My Suicide Note (To My Soul)A Story by keloth A story where I'm the Good guy and The Bad guy!! My Suicide Note (To My Soul) Hello, if you are reading this then God is truly really great, coz he has just granted my last wish. You might not know who I am and I don’t know where you are but there is something I want to tell you. We were once inseparable. My body housed you in a planet called Earth for almost 22 years (Earth years). I know that you are clueless and have no idea of what I am saying. All your memory was left behind with my body the moment I died (left to rot in with my brain and body) and you were bound to continue your eternal journey. You (I) had a name �" Vishnu Keloth and within moments after finishing this letter you were to start that journey. Yes �" I have decided to end my life. This is my suicide note and God, I am writing it to my own soul. Suicide notes are meant to be my last message to humans but considering the situation I am currently in, I have no other choice but to write it to you. What is the point in writing suicide notes to humans when all humans are going to die in a matter of time? I am writing this on December 21, 2012 �" the Mayans were true. It has been officially confirmed that the world is going to end; something which we thought would never happen but in movies. Two major continents have already been torn up by earth quakes, tsunami, and volcanic explosions. Right after the government aired the too late farewell message to all people, the power failed. It seems my government knew everything beforehand. But I am not disappointed with that. I have already forgiven everybody for every undesired act of theirs on me. The sky is brown, its 10 am. All communication facilities are down. Distant sounds of great explosions can be heard and the sky is slowly being darkened by fumes that seem to originate from infinity. The disaster is on its way, ready to strike anytime. I am completely alone. My parents are in another state. My calls wouldn’t get through. My native state may have already fallen victim to the cataclysm. This place is supposed to be my temporary place of stay. But due to a series of misfortunes like train delay, strike, vehicle damage etc. I have eventually ended up in this rented apartment building. I had a flight scheduled for tomorrow to catch for a business meeting. The situation is really different from what I’ve thought it would be. At first �" when the tragic news became official there was a lot of cries, mourns and chaos but within a few minutes everyone including myself were in Kodak moments - hugging strangers as if they were the best buddies. People accepted the fact and now it had turned into an environment filled with love. Places of worships are now being flocked by people, beggars being invited to homes, restaurants serving free, people making love on the streets… everything is pure selfless. Some are cherishing music/materials while some are happily ending their lives. This is the one day that is entirely different from any day the earth has witnessed. I thank God for giving us this uncertain precious time to realise ourselves and enable us to taste the purest form of selfless love unlike the unfortunate people of other continents that have already been crippled without any warning. If all earth days were like today then the noble peace prize would be meaningless. I guess ‘Could‘ve’ is the one phrase being wildly thought about now. We could’ve lived like this but we lived like robots programmed by desire. At this point all my desires and aspirations seem so silly. A startling truth that I now realise it that most of the desires which I rooted on to my mind carry the essence of advertisements. God!! they were so misleading and largely unnecessary. Those who have chosen to sacrifice are the real successful ones. I could’ve used the time of my life to capture the wisdom from the holy books. It is the Message of God that humans are bound to realise through their life and all those who have done it up to how they could would have felt more accomplished right now. We could’ve found a way to at least ensure the continuity of our species; we’ve already landed a probe on mars. Given about 20-30 years we could’ve colonized in to moon or other planet. But we wasted a lot of precious time fighting world wars. An unfulfilled wish of mine worth mentioning is that I’ve always craved for a romantic relation. �" To find my true love… I deeply regret for not asking out any of my crushes merely due to fear of rejection. I could’ve tried. I wonder if I’ll find my true love after death. Dear soul, are you in company of your loved one? You may have arrived where ever you are with over 7 billion souls which included that of my parents too but I am assuming neither you nor them were able to recognise each other provided our memories are gone. Try asking God to show them to you. The one other true aspect in which I found solace on this planet is FRIENDSHIP �" just ask God to show you all the brothers/sisters that he planned to give me through other mothers.( too much orders to God huh? I guess bringing this letter to you would be threshold of what he could do for me.) Everything on earth was pleasurable if only one could’ve attained the egolessness to enjoy it. It took the end of the world for people like me to realise that pleasure is the synonym of love and that desire is its antonym. Writing was one thing I really enjoyed. Earlier this year I had also started a blog. I considered it as a means to reduce the burden of emotions that I carried, including this letter dear soul. Weather it reaches you or not, you have no idea I relieved I would feel. It would help me to suicide with a much lighter heart. Writing was my late-discovered talent. I believe talent is eternal and that it would remain with the soul. Do you write? If my belief is true and in case you’ve never done it then start... you could feel much better. As I write to you I am going through a tornado of emotions and doubts. What if you don’t/never exist? What if death is just like ‘SWITCHING-OFF’ with nothing beyond that? What if heaven, hell, soul, afterlife or even God never existed and the cosmic manifestation is just a result of mere set of events that happen to coincide under probabilities of permutations and combinations? What if life is nothing beyond the biological conditions that favoured it to flourish? Did God really descend on to earth? Are the holy books His message? I am aware of the possibly true rumour that many holy books have been biased/edited by man in his will as he passed them to generations. Didn’t God do anything about it? What if the entire belief that man and holy books have held on regarding after life is all false? Gosh!! That would be an unbearable fact especially for those who suicide. Every suicide is indeed an attempt to ‘escape’ to somewhere else and hence everyone who suicide expects some form of continuity and I am not an exception to it. Yet this doubt of ending up in ‘Point Blank’ is giving me huge fears about suicide while the isolation that I am currently in and the fear of a horrible, uncertain, untimed but confirmed death is prompting me to suicide. This is one hell of a great dilemma that I have found myself in. But I guess I’ve made up my mind else I wouldn’t be writing this further. I conclude though I could write pages about the life you lived in my (our) body. I bet you are pretty curious to know more but the truth is �" none of what I’ve written or write would ever matter to you. Not anymore!!! Yet, I’ve written it to tell you the one valuable lesson this life was ever capable of teaching, perhaps the most basic lesson in God’s textbook. TO LOVE SELFLESSLY… My sweet dear soul, always remember to do so, no matter where you are or whichever form of life you would take up next in whichever planet that God has granted the gift of life.
With the last hope, prayer and wish that God will bring it to you… Bye! The Reply (From the Soul) Hello Vishnu Keloth, owing to God’s greatness I happen to read your letter. Though you gravely failed God by choosing to end your life, He was kind enough to grant your bloody last wish. He never thought you would suicide because you really were unique/special to him. The very fact that I am writing this letter proves that afterlife, hell, heaven, God… exist and it is God himself who descended down to earth to spread his message among humans, His children. No man would ever be as wise and as spiritual to write the holy books himself. But man did alter it over time with the illusion that he was greater than God. Devil persuaded the man, ignorance and vice increased and thus it was God’s decision to bring about an end to the life of man, conceive all the souls so as to purify them and send them back as man and woman to a purified earth thereby destroying all of Satan’s efforts. He did purify the world each time when he preached as Krishna, Jesus, Nabi etc. the population of humans on the planet back then were very low compared to the 7 billion at the time you lived and so He united them under various religions (which is why all religions preach the same message and all mentions about afterlife in some form.) A religion, according to God would unite humans there by countering CHAOS (The devil reigns over chaos.) it was a better alternative than conceiving all souls by bringing about disaster. But then as religions grew, so did satanic temptations which led people to love their religion more than God. Vice, Hatred and Chaos began to prevail once again until it reached a period of breakdown. It was not that God was unaware of it. If so, no holy book would have mentioned about the end of the world. He however did leave a clue of the exact date when he descended down as the God for the Mayans. But Mayans prevailed like a civilization and not as a religion and therefor it wasn’t given much importance by Humans. Purification of the world by descending down as God to create another religion would only cause more discrimination and therefore, he decided to end it all to start it all again. I assure you that every manifestation in the cosmic material universe is by the will of God and not anything like your probability theory. But there is always the existence of Evil against him. You were right about the memory though and yes, all souls who arose out of suicide are subjected to a situation similar to ‘Point Blank’ like you feared and so was I. (Wondering how I came to know all this? An imprisoned angel told me.) The moment you died, I had no idea where I was or how I got there. The soul of a person who ended his life before you pointed to a body and said: “Looks like you came from him…” I turned around to see a corpse with bleeding wrists and pierced through the steel bars of the building entrance gate. Those gaping eyes were what I noticed first. “I saw you jump out from that apartment over there...” he said pointing to an apartment that was quite high. I asked him who he was to which he said he hadn’t the slightest clue and that’s when I realised that I too have no idea about who I am. A chilling shiver of the fear of the unknown passed through me. I met around 30 souls like me. Completely lost and wondering what was happening. There were people everywhere with all sorts of emotions. We were invisible to them though we could hear them. They passed right through us and from their talks, cries, and prayers we came to understand the situation and the possible reason for our suicides. Our numbers were rising as fresh souls sprouted out of bodies every now and then. We watched a couple standing at the edge of a tall apartment embracing each other so deep before leaping out of the building, but the worst part was that their souls barely recognized each other. Love seems to vanish after death �" it is not eternal but hormonal… We as souls couldn’t wander off to anywhere we pleased. As though an invisible wall blocked us from going beyond a certain distance. We were stuck. We wondered with great sorrow if this was the situation to be in after death �" being caged at the place of death for an eternity? We waited for the disaster to strike hoping that it would bring a change to our situation or finally bring in all the people to our side. The situation was quite similar to the ‘Point Blank’ you mentioned. (Obviously I had no idea about that term until I came across it in your letter.) About 2 hours later, nature’s fury began to strike. It couldn’t harm us anymore but we witnessed it.. First, a huge earth quake shattered everything into crumbs. A chorus of screams and cracking sounds lasted for about 30 minutes. Vision was being blocked by dust and smoke and then… about 5km away, a volcano erupted. All noise seemed to reside under its blast. Everything went pitch black due to tons of ash. I couldn’t see anything; screams of people burning under lava were being heard. I called out to other souls but no one responded. Several hours later everything slowly settled down to a deathly silence but it was still darker than dark. I kept on calling others but nothing happened. All I heard was the echo of my calling out. Then slowly with time (about 2 month I suppose) the sunlight began to sneak through to show the post-apocalyptic world. A sight that will remain forever in me �" a chaotic layout of debris and ash. There were no bodies �" perhaps melted down or buried deep in the ash. No human would have survived such a fate. But where are all their souls? I tried to wander away but the ‘wall’ seemed to be intact, unaffected. I was worried and puzzled for I didn’t understand why am I the only one left behind? Was I forgotten? I wandered through the same place, desperate and hoping for something to happen. That’s when I discovered the one thing I now wish I never discover. The building from which I jumped out shattered down like glass but there was this single apartment that remained relatively intact. It happened to land safely on the debris. Sandwiched by debris of another building as well. It was in a protected circumstance. Safe and the only structure that wasn’t buried, or ripped apart. It was certain that any person who was lucky enough to choose to stay in this apartment would have survived. I ventured inside to find that all the commodities inside it were a bit shaken/displaced but undamaged. There was a mirror with a crack and which reflected everything but me. Taped on to the table was a note with the portrait of the person who wrote it stuck on it. At first I didn’t recognize but it was terrifying to realise that the eyes of the person was strikingly similar to the dead gaping eyes of the person from whom I came. The leter gave me come clue about my life as a human on earth. A surge of guilt passed through me. I would have killed myself again if I could. I could have survived it all. For months I circled around with remorse and frustration; cursing myself a million times. But one day the unexpected happened. She came… I couldn’t believe it when I saw her coming. Clothed, and therefore not a soul but a human; alive in flesh and blood. A blissful happiness came to me. Life has survived after all. A ray of hope for a new beginning. She was young and beautiful. In her face I saw loneliness but no sign of fear. She was determined to fight to survive. If I had a bit of the courage she had, I would’ve survived aswell. All my screams or attempts to establish contact with her were in vain. She was trying to survive, perhaps scavenging from place to place for the means to do so. She was surprised as well when she spotted my secure apartment. Expressions of relief in her as she found my undisturbed belonging. She replaced her torn backpack with mine. She saw my suicide note and said: “coward a*****e, he could’ve easily survived.” She used to wander off to far off places by day and return before dark. The skies were getting progressively clear though there were no seasons, clouds, rain. I saw her calculate the date, it was 2018. My calculations were nowhere near her or perhaps, time went slow for souls. I enjoyed watching her. She had this deep desire of meeting somebody. After staying for about 8 months she left one day, with her bag packed and never returned. Perhaps she found a better spot. I really wished she meets another human. I couldn’t stop her no matter what. She took with her your photograph which you stuck on to your suicide note. With her departure my life (after life) turned back to isolation but I had something to counter the guilt that your letter gave me �" her! I cherished the time she stayed, over and over again, wondered how heaven would be. I hoped deep within that she or some other human or at least another soul might return. But none of that ever happened. I continued to haunt the very place you put me in to for so long that I lost track of time. I strayed for decades of nothingness; when one day an extremely bright white light appeared for some moments and vanished… I found myself at a different place. I had finally reached the eternal world. I wanted to ask God why he left me behind for all this time. But, to my horror it was the devil that welcomed me. He was happy to see me. “Ah, so you finally returned after spending 44 years dead in earth! I have been waiting to meet you which are why I myself came to welcome you to my empire. I am so grateful to you.” he said with a roaring laugh” “Wow, 44 years �" till 2056!!” I thought. “You are special and so I am imprisoning you with angels. You will not be punished like the 7 billion souls of earth but you will do a task for me.” “Would you show me my parents? And all the brothers and sisters that God had planned to give me?” I asked. “How dare you speak of God in my presence you cursed soul!!? Your parents and those unworthy brothers and sisters shall pay the price for your utterance.” His face was so dark that i couldnt see his eyes. I dared not to ask further about my late summoning, about God, about what happened, if I would be sent to heaven or not, about the girl left behind on earth, about the future… All those questions dwelled in me all this time and yet I couldn’t ask… He never showed me anyone. I was put with an angel whose wings were cut and she explained everything to me. After I came to know everything, Dear Vishnu Keloth �" you are the one person I despise the most. I wish I wasn’t born in to your body. I know you love me but I hate you for what you did. I wish I had known nothing at all. Why did you write to me? Here is the sad truth… You were the person that god chose to ensure the continuity of humans. �" You were the next Adam of the new world. You were the one person out of 7 billion people on earth who shouldn’t have died. You were destined to live until 2056. It is the punishment for all souls (who shooses to end their lives against Gods decision) to remain at the place of their death till the time they were really meant to die. That is why all souls perished but you remained when apocalypse struck. It was Gods calculated move that led you to the place which you considered to be you last resort so that you would remain safe for it was the 1 out of the 2 places on earth that would remain untouched by apocalypse. The other place was meant for the female �" the next Eve… the only other human to survive. She was brave enough to not suicide and it was her who took away your bloody photograph from the from your suicide note.She was the true love that you always wished for and was chosen by God for you. Together, both of you were destined to restart the human civilisation but thanks to your decision, she is still roaming the planet. You could’ve received the first hand, unbiased, unaltered information of the holy books from the very hands of God to pass on the upcoming human generation. You ruined it all. Apocalypse was also a war between God and Devil. He was fighting to protect you and the devil was fighting to get you killed so that the end of race of the ‘children of God’ would enable the devil to conquer Earth �" God’s favourite planet, the planet which He chose to be born into. With your suicide, it all became easy for the devil and that was why he himself came to welcome me. 7 billion souls including that of you parents and friends are suffering in hell merely because of a fault that’s solely yours. He now plans to deploy me into a life where I will promote vice as a saint of Satan. You true love will be the slave of the demons.She was meant to stay with you for ever in heaven and earth. You betrayed God’s trust which he bestowed upon you. Satan is punishing me by not punishing me for a sin I committed but punishing the innocent souls who have no idea what they’ve done to receive such a fate. You wrote a letter to yourself but it eventually reached me.Now, I am writing a letter to myself. I know it will never reach you coz by now you are a decomposed off corpse. But still I write coz the talent, like you hoped is with me and I am using it to reduce the burden I may have to carry for the rest of my afterlife. It is not you whom I have to thank for the talent, but God… as He is the one who gave you that talent. I conclude by telling you that earth and its inhabitants are doomed because of you. With the last hope, wish and prayer that God will return to save us. Bye! © 2012 kelothAuthor's Note
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In case you’re wondering how I look, I’ve attached my photograph (the one on my passport, though there were better pics at home and on social networking site profile which I couldnt access). And here is how I am going to suicide (it is of least importance and doesn’t deserve to be mentioned here) �" I will cut my veins and jump out of the apartment balcony. This apartment �" 'my last resort' that God/fate put me in is actually 22 storeys high and I am going to utilise its high altitude. Perhaps this would be how God would have wanted me to suicide.
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