Letter To My World

A non-traditional poem-type letter to a very dear friend of mine that I wrote a long time ago when I was much angrier and still capable of feeling things on a deep and profound level.

There is darkness in me, as you well know
Yet you accept me, you are the very deepest heart of me
I cannot understand your kindness, your love for me
I can only understand my need to protect you, keep you happy
All I understand now is the rage of love and fierce protectiveness I have for you
I know I am capable of gentleness
But now is not the time
Now, I would shred any man, woman, or child who thought to stand in my way
Of getting to you
You are all that matters now, no one and nothing else
I would throw my life away for you, die for you"and this you well know
I would kill for you, destroy the world for you, if only to see a smile upon your face
How long has it been?
How long since the warmth of your embrace has touched me?
How long since I have seen your smile, heard your voice?
How much longer must I be forced to live this way"with only you to keep me alive,
Knowing, knowing that at any moment you could be taken from this world
From me forever, and I could do not a damned thing to stop it?
This is a half-life, a half-existence,
Having only one person to make me feel anything anymore
And yet to be away from that person for what seems like forever
Who devised this torture? This nightmare of the worst kind?
Who wants me destroyed this much, that they would do this to us?
One day when we are back with each other, I will never
Never let anything or anyone separate us again.
I will keep you safe,
I will keep you happy
In my embrace you will stay
Forever loved
Forever protected
My life, it is yours
Do with it what you please
My heart"you have barreled past all my walls, to the very center of me
My core"it is wrapped around you, and cannot let go
To lose you…it is to destroy me"the one who cannot be destroyed
Even the strongest of our kind have limits
Even the best of us falter"break.
And I, my friend, am far from the best
I am no saint, no angel
I make no pretense of that
How can I, when everyone can see
The hard, cruel edge to my features,
The set of my jaw?
Hardened over years of dying, crying, trying
But nothing was ever right
I could never come alive
I could never stem the tears
And oh, how I tried"and yet it was never, never good enough for anyone but you
How did this come to be?
That you would possess the very core of me?
How can it exist?
This love, this need, that I possess?
At times I worry it is obsession
But I have no wish to harm you
Your safety, your happiness, is all I need to see
The darkness in the heart of me,
The shadows in my soul
You see them, yet you love me"how can this be so?
Sometimes I would weep for wishing that I had known you as a child
Perhaps, perhaps then I would not be as I am now
Though some part of me knows that I was always meant to be this way
I do not think that if we had met, had come together any other day, in any other way
That our friendship would be this strong.
This was our fate, our destiny, always meant to happen
My only question is why?
Why must it be so cruel?