The Joys of Suburbia

 

 

I am one Mary Kay party away from becoming a homicidal suburban wife.
Sue Ellen, the Mary Kay representative (are they ALL named Sue Ellen?)
droned on and on about the benefits of joining this fabulous organization.
She almost had me snowed.
She spoke giddily about her new Pink Cadillac which was proudly displayed
outside of my neighbors home, her reward for making these aging closet alcoholics
look a little less drained.

Last month it was a Pampered Chef party.
Hours and hours of tasting appetizers
prepared with overly priced gadgets
that you never realized you needed before.
Maybe that explains why your cooking sucks.

Usually,

I sit and I grimace, watching my neighbors
stuff their faces and agonize over the obligatory
order sheet that must be completed after face stuffing.
I had been to one of these before , so this time, I got smart.
I downed a bottle of wine before leaving my house
and brought another two with me to the party.

Perhaps not the best of ideas.
I've managed to alienate all of my neighbors
after making indecent comments about the phallic symbolism
of the hand mixer on sale for $48.95.
They didn't get it, so I had to utilize it as a prop to bring my point home.
You should have seen their faces.
I laughed so loud, I wound up vomiting all over the pizza squares
prepared on the $100.00 magic stones, guaranteed to give a perfect crust.

I doubt I will be invited to the next neighborhood gathering.
Although, I am considering crashing Mrs. O'Malley's next one.
She's pretty cool.
She's having a lingerie party.
Think I'll bring the hand mixer.

Reviews

[Doctor JKC]

I would like a pink Cadillac for reasons I could never understand.

You got the whole picture down and did it riotously!
I think ER nurses have a few stories about hand mixers.

The Amway mind-set is close to what allowed Hitler to come
into power. No joke.

I lived in Cutchogue Harbor for two years and my very Protestant
and conservative neighbors were very scared of me because I wore
a Kung Fu uniform all the time and from the beach they could see me
working out with bizarre weapons. My next door neighbor had a black-faced lawn jockey (that just made my s**t itch), which I repainted white during the night. They knew who did it.
F**k 'em where they breathe!! That includes Mary Kay.

I loved this piece!
Jack

[J.P.O.et]

Holy s**t, I just squirted Dew out my nose all over my screen
This made me laugh so hard, you sum it up so well
The picture in my mind of you demonstrating the use of the 'phallic' hand mixer is too much
Always checking my friends for new posts and glad I checked this one as I know a few people
who will relate all too well. Be good, my friend and take it easy on poor Mrs.O
J.P.O.et

[Shara Faskowitz]

Oh this resonates with me. I've been to Pampered Chef parties, Longaberger Basket parties, I could go on. The image of vomiting on the perfect little pizza squares is priceless. I think I wouldn't be above that if it got me out of the next ten invites. :-)

Thanks for the smiles.

[Tim McGovern]

I recognize the spirit in which this was written, I feel your pain and loved this piece.

Thank you
Namaste'
Tim