Demons

I don't know how to explain it...sometimes it's voices...different
versions of myself...some scream while others cry and some pray and dream
with me always moving me forward...but the sorrowful voices...their
tears drown me...suffocate me and immobilize me...those are the worst
voices...they make me think of the voices of the dead...there's no way
to ignore it...they pull you down and keep you away...they let you
become their only safeguard...they want you to hear them and be sad just
like them...mourn for them...and on those days, I know I haven't
slept...I know that I spent the night stuck in nightmares tossing and
turning trying to find relief...and maybe they aren't voices, but I can
tell you it's real...that I awake exhausted...that I awake only wanting
to sleep...and even though rest would sound nice it isn't...nightmares
haunt me...so whether I am awake or asleep I am plagued by emotion,
subconscious or not. And on those days it becomes hell to others if I am
not left alone in peace, and it only makes me more sad and frustrated
that I confuse and hurt them; when I am just as confused  myself. On
these days, my head aches, not physically just to capacity...like I've
suffered years of tragedy and must recover in only a day...it is an
overwhelming feeling....a sensation to be nothing to not exist...it is
both terrible and inexplicable how these days work...I can never tell
when it'll b one of those days....only until I awake...listening, trying
to block out the thoughts that consume my will to survive just but one
more day....those days make me feel like I can't do it...that there's
just no point...but on other occasions the opposite happens...I awake
feeling I can conquer the world...that everything is in my reach and I
can make it so...I feel dangerous when my confidence reaches this
high...it makes me feel more experienced, I feel clearer and I motivated
by the simplest of notions on those days...sometimes I even fear these
days because I am not me but rather the me I wish I'd always were...on
those days I smile and I am open to anything and everything....on those
days I think everything out, sorting out my dreams and ambitions
deciding things I'd never say or do...on those days I get everything
done...I sing and write and read all day...I talk and talk, babbling my
ideas and saying things even before Ive even thought about saying them.
And unlike the darker days, I don't wear black, don't wear sleeves,
don't keep my hair in my face...on the brighter days I wear color, use
less eyeliner; I give up the short coming goth look for something more
approachable and less mysterious...something that makes me feel
vulnerable knowing I'm prepared for anything. Sometime I feel like
everything that I come into contact with is stored in me
somehow...reminding me of a song or another person...creating dreams and
poems in my head....the stimulation, or rather how I perceive it
becomes overwhelming...and sometimes I Think it's a blessing but on
these days that I'd rather be comatose I feel it's a curse....and I both
hate and love that about me...because sometimes I think I will never be
truly understood and for some twisted reason that gives me a weird
sense of satisfaction.