Suffocating

Looking for acceptance and not finding it

                         Suffocating

I can't breathe, there is no air,
You stand there wearing your condescention,
Like a sickeningly sweet perfume,
Sucking out the air ,
From my traitorous lungs.

 

I  kneel, mute, like a million times before,
Struck dumb in your presence,
A force of habit,
Lessons taught their legacy remains,
My need for your acceptance cuts me off at the knees.

 

I have stood in this graveyard,
Of my dreams,
And chiseled recognition on every tombstone,
That you demanded I put up,
To remember to never forget that I am not worthy .

 

How did I end up here,
Choking on my own bitter existence,
I have courted this conclusion,
With reckless abandon,
My pride flayed by your scathing tones.

 

What has life bourne me,but a mirror held to my face,
Guaging my inadequacies ?
I will be better than this, better than you,
And you will see me and acknowledge,
If only  to yourself, if never to me.

Author's Note

Battling with my demons

Reviews

[m.s.early]

I kneel, mute, like a million times before,
Struck dumb in your presence,
A force of habit,
Lessons taught their legacy remains,
My need for your acceptance cuts me off at the knees.

We can be addicted to certain kind of sadness. Emotional dependency? Are we born to inherently recognize that we are not all that we could be? If so does that inspire us to become more than what we are for ourselves, or seek validation in others for a facade of qualification?

What has life bourne me,but a mirror held to my face,
Guaging my inadequacies ?
I will be better than this, better than you,
And you will see me and acknowledge,
If only to yourself, if never to me.

It takes an unimaginable amount of strength to escape from the emotional abuse we become dependent upon. But the last line is an acknowledgement of a hurdle that must be understood before the escape can occur. We must recognize that what others internalize may never be expressed. We must use the love that we have for ourselves as a qualifier, and not what we assume to be their disposition.

This write will be great inspiration to those that have experienced the emotions you have so well penned.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you so much for this remarkable review Xavier.It is deeply appreciated :)

[Lyn Anderson]

This is so powerful and so apt a description of the demons that stay long after the source is gone.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you KL.Your reviews always mean a lot.Also the added fact that my apostrophe's and commas seem to be in order or do you not do that any more ? lol

[Lyn Anderson]

they are. There are a few errant spaces, but I didn't think it was necessary to point them out.:)

[Vidya Bacchus]

That is truly big of you I know how hard that must have been lol

[icelandicblue]

Wow this is an extraordinary poem Vidya! It was mesmerizing to read and your word choices and imagery only added to the grays and blacks that color this piece. There is no pleasing those who refuse to be pleased but moving past it can feel impossible. I was especially struck by the tombstone stanza:

I have stood in this graveyard,
Of my dreams,
And chiseled recognition on every tombstone,
That you demanded I put up,
To remember to never forget that I am not worthy .

Like Sisyphus this pas de deux feels never ending. It's an incredibly strong write.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you Blue your words meant a lot :)

[David Scott]

I'm stunned by the power if your poetry!
For me, this was about my past trying to please my impression of who my father needed me to be...
I could see more here as well.
Very string poetry Vidya! I have tears...

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you so much David :)

[Saddam]

BEAUTIFUL words used by you, as the face stand. This was a very sad dear..but soon will be alright. loved your writing.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you my friend :)

[Saddam]

you're welcome dear.

[Raymond Federle]

Absolutely wonderful I can relate as well...how have you been my friend? Hope all is well for you. Sorry I have not been by sooner. Again well done! :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you Raymond and I have been fine as I hope have you .Thanks again always glad to see you .

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Beautiful poem..........
I could relate to this.
Amazing!!!
:)

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hello Pushkar haven't seen you in a while .Thank you always your words are appreciated:)

[Ahena MK]

wonderfully crafted... beautiful words
ahena

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you very much:)

[Ahena MK]

Welcome ...

[Frieda P]

Ooh graveyard of my dreams, what a chilling thought...the entire write did knock the wind out of my sails, felt like suffocating indeed. Excellent read Vidya!

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you Freida you are always so kind:)

[The Hampstead Poet]

Amazing! You write so beautifully, and express this understanding and trying to accept life and its cruelties perfectly.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Thank you very much:)