You are not here anymore

Reflections of seeing someone I love pass away

The moment I found out, my gut told me to go see her immediately. I had to see her. The moment was more shocking for me than I ever could have imagined. Seeing her in another state, her soul elsewhere. Dead. I don’t think I’ll forget how she looked. Death and slow decay. Silly as it sounds, I thought I was prepared. I imagined there to be more life in something that was dead. I had to look away in uncontrolled unhindered shock. This was actually her. Not a patient or a stranger. I could feel this black void of weary and depleted energy that lingered in the room. The smell. It hit me like a wall. I had to prepare myself once more to face her again. It was almost terrifying. I don’t want to look but I want to. So I did. And I’m so grateful I could intercept that moment. I could be present, take a moment and handle the sight. I was alone with her. I could feel anti energy. Her eyes that once looked at me with unconditional love, her eyes that once carried warmth and felt like home and shed tears of joy, shed tears of sadness, that truly owned unbridled empathy were sans life. I kept repeating out loud, ”You are not here anymore. You are not here anymore.” I imagined a flame. She was the chemical reaction seeping out into the atmosphere. Something that has formed beyond the limited visual capabilities that we know or have. Where she is now, elsewhere, I don’t think we are capable of imagining. A dimension of existence we’ll never understand. I was afraid to touch her. I didn’t know why but I was. My hands were shaking but I did. Come the f**k on, Lou. Don’t be afraid. Why am I afraid? She was cold and stiff. It was valuable for me to witness it. The remaining flesh that once carried ”her”. I’m crying. I’m finding my sensitivity, something I once lost. When Emir abused me, took a knife to me. When Sammy died. When Alex died. When I felt completely without worth. I’ve severed myself from that Louise. I forgive her. I’m now empowered. Love f*****g truly inexplicably conquers all. Grief is illuminating my life. Loss is a life adventure. Maybe I’ll be a mess 5 minutes from now. That’s okay.