A way of Life

A way of Life

I lost the path of my existence
I seek an answer to my birth
I love the sky's forgiveness
I cry to see mother earth.

I see the roads are filthy, still
I know the slums behind
I speak my words to express me
I wish you feel my vibe.

I plead to change the way you think
I please to live a life
I cross my heart to believe you
I step to take another life.

Author's Note

Look around..Look around and watch all of it, Everything! What do you see? What do you feel? Just for once think who you are!

Reviews

[JayG]

If you begin with a rhyming stanza the reader expects you to repeat that in both structure and prosody throughout. So your first stanza structure is ABCB, but the second lacks structure, and the third, while it is ABCB, you rhyme life with life. Not illegal, but it is a bit of s cheat.

You also need to be certain that the context is there for a reader. I have no clue of how the sky can forgive anything, or how anything in the poem relates to the meaning of someone’s birth.

In general, I’d suggest you read the excerpt, on Amazon, of Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of language is something every writer needs.

There's a LOT to writing poetry that's not obvious. So a bit of digging into areas of structure and presentation may help.

One poem I recommend, because it show how a strong structure gets the reader involved, is The Cremation of Sam McGee. It was written over 100 years ago and not only made Robert Service a LOT of money, it's held up well, and is still popular at campires for the way it gets the listener involved with e beat that has you tapping your foot, and for the ending.

When you finish the poem, look at the analysis of it in the pages that follow.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html


You did ask...

[Vidit V Kumar]

Hello Jay,
Hope you are good!

Well I've a lot to say but someone has already replied to you. That Someone is the closest person in my entire life.
I'll let you know her thoughts about this poem too. Hope you don't mind! At last I'll share my views too.


A poetry is spontaneous over flow of thoughts & emotions. Where everyone is free to express his thoughts and feelings.
Even a lame man can understand the feel of the poem. It's the feel that touches one's heart and seems to be most important. One should have a heart to feel and understand its beat. Wordsworth was not Robert Frost and Frost was not John Keats. Frost was Frost and Keats was Keats. Every individual bears his identity. Had Frost accepted the criticism in his life after writing his first poem, he wouldn't have been what he is today to the world.
I suggest you read his - 'Road Not Taken' when he was disapproved as a poet by the Americans the English appreciated and lauded his work and that made all the difference in his life.
What matters is the feel and originality of thoughts. Otherwise there are poems written in Blank verse as well. Read 'Dust of snow' and Fire and Ice' of Robert Frost and go through the rhyme scheme you would get the answer to your questions.
The poem is basically based on the various sufferings and plights faced by the entire world today. I here represents the common man of today who is combating with this sensitive situation of today. Because of 'Lockouts' every individual has turned jobless. So in the second line I just want to seek the answer to the existence of mine. There is a 'silver lining in the dark clouds' So I Believe if man is in distress because of this pandemic God(Sky) would forgive our sins and show a way out to it.

[Vidit V Kumar]

The first stanza speaks;
I am Lost and tired. I don't know where to go now! Even I don't know why I am here! But still I walk and walk to an unknown path, searching for answers, Answers of my existence! When I see up above, I just smile, I feel peace like the sky is forgiving us for all our mistakes without complaining at all. But, when I see down Below, Tears starts to flow from my eyes, All I feel is pain.
The second stanza speaks;
The path I am walking on is so dark, filthy and uneven too. But, I also know there is life somewhere in between, deep inside into the roots. That's what I feel. And I hope you can feel me too.
The third one speaks;
And If you don't! And If you're afraid! It's okay. So I am. We will walk together no matter what comes, we will face it together, because all I want is to live. so do you right! All I need is to find somebody with whom I can share this path. The path I've been walking on, alone. Can I believe you? Can you Believe me?
Let's take a step together then.

[Vidit V Kumar]

You go for verse and I go for the version. Thanks to express. Your Comment was no less than an encomium to me. Talents differ all is well and wisely put in this world. One requires the vision and perception to comprehend one's heart and emotions.
Thank you :)

[JayG]

• The first stanza speaks;

Now if you were there to explain when the poem is read that would leave them informed on what the poem didn't give them. But you're not.

Clear communication is your JOB. Never forget that to a reader the words mean what they suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background. When we give our words to other we, our intent, and everything about us becomes irrelevant—and unknown.

[Vidit V Kumar]

Well jay_ I really appreciate your analysis but you need to think out of the box sometimes. When we clap, we use both hands right! So to make it easy and understandable, So that you can reach where you want to.
Thanks for reviewing my poem. Means a lot.
Lots of Love
Vidit :)

[JayG]

• but you need to think out of the box sometimes.

Ahh...in that case here's the ultimate poem:

The

It's out of the box, and the reader gets to fill in all the detail they care to in any way they care to.

Never forget that the reader comes to you to borrow YOUR imagination. They expect your words to make sense TO THEM, as-they-read. You "get it" when you read your own work, of course. But you cheat. You have intent guiding your understanding. You hear the emotion in the narrator's voice. The reader has only what your chosen words suggest to them, and the emotion the words evoke in them, which means you have no choice but to write with their understanding foremost in your mind, and edit as a reader who is apt to misunderstand, and who will miss what's not clear TO THEM. Someone a bit stupid...like me.

And need two hands to clap? Not really. Someone with one hand may use a hand on their leg to make the noise...or the chair arm...or snap their fingers, which, if you look at what makes the noise, is in reality a one handed (or perhaps a one finger) clap...if you think outside the box.

But all that aside, bearing in mind that our goal is to communicate our thought to the reader, always do your editing from the seat of the reader.

[Vidit V Kumar]

Ahaha, That's funny actually. I can debate on this forever but, I won't. Because no matter whatever say you will not get it, you'll stay the same with your own methods. It's a comment box dude, not a podium.
THE END :)

[JayG]

• It's a comment box dude, not a podium.

Ahh...then perhaps you should add, "Praise only," to your posting, since you're already perfect—and not send me a request for comment.

Someone you don't know took time they didn't have to give you, to help you become a better poet.

Your response to that is to blame the reader for not "getting" your intended meaning. Seems a bit short-sighted as a way to improve.

But that being said I'll bow out.

[Vidit V Kumar]

That's what you think mate, I didn't mean that way. You sounded like debating, that's why I said 'It's a comment box dude, not a podium'.
And I'm not blaming the reader for not getting the message I wanted to convey.
I apologize If you think so, I didn't want to let you down.

[Lavi]

Strangely, I feel like your poem is the opposing force of my own thoughts I've just written down. Ultimately, I am glad I read this because I needed it. Thank you for sharing :)

[Betty Hermelee]

It seems like you are reaching for a better life; that you acknowledge what troubles you and that you can change it. You are a seeking answers and perhaps have found them. Nice write!

[Vidit V Kumar]

Yes, trying to fine one Betty. Hope will get soon. Thank you Betty:)

[barleygirl]

I glanced at a review by Fader . . . "too much I" . . . so I went back & read your poem as if every "I" at the start of every line were omitted. I love it like that so much better! Without "I" each sentence can be considered from many points of view, not just first-person. All in all, I love the way you depict life as an up-and-down struggle to find meaning, to keep the faith, to not look for perfection, but to try to just acknowledge that all progress comes in barely-noticed hops & being dragged down in between. Your poem makes me think about how we must focus on what little positive differences we can make in this world, not go looking for the big splash that makes us feel special (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Vidit V Kumar]

Hi Margie,
I Hope you're doing good!
I really appreciate the way you read thoughts, each and every word is like magic. You go deep inside the imagination to feel it. I love it.
It means a lot to me Margie. Thank you very much:)
Lods of Love
Vidit