INITIATION ULTIMATE, Chapter 18.1: Narrated by Tharseo

Tharseo tries to justify all the sacrifices people have made to keep him alive, including the most recent sacrifice. He's blaming himself, even though it wasn't his fault.

"Is it really true?" I whisper to Unari's grave one night after a daytime filled with guilt.  "Did you really die for me?"

        "They want to speak to you...  They need... They need you... And warned me to leave... Wanted me to abandon you... You and the house...They warned me... Leave you be... And it’s watching you…"  Unari chokes in air, letting out a long wheeze, hands fluttering away from his wound and resting on his chest.

"You did die for me, didn't you?  You died to keep me alive, because you knew that I wouldn't make it on my own?"

"They want to speak to you...  They need... They need you... And warned me to leave... Wanted me to abandon you... You and the house...They warned me... Leave you be... And it’s watching you…"  He chokes in air, letting out a long wheeze, hands fluttering away from his wound and resting on his chest.

"Am I that much of a failure?  That people always have to give their lives to protect me?  Why is it so important that I must be protected?  And to be protected by one who doesn't even know me!"  The frustration and grief weighs me down like the rock tied to the feet of a drowning person.  I am truly underwater.

"They want to speak to you...  They need... They need you... And warned me to leave... Wanted me to ab..."

Stop reflecting on the past!  I scream to myself.  No use.  No use reflecting on Unari's sacrifice, and Ionracas's sacrifice, and my parents' sacrifice...  No more sacrifices!  They needs to stop!  Nobody else can die for me.  Nobody else can die for me.

With my heart continuously emitting guilty pangs, I go back inside of Unari's house, climb the ladder into the upstairs, and unlock the safe.  Inside of the locked, hand-built wooden box are rifles and pistols, neatly lined up against each other at the bottom of the safe.  On the top shelf, knives and swords are lined up in a similar manner, the swords near the back to give them more space, and the knives at the front for convenience.  For a moment, I wonder how Unari acquired so many weapons, but then I get back on topic.  The guns give off a feeling that reminds me too much of their owner, so I choose the sharpest knife I can find instead.

I carry the knife to the center of the room to a hand-woven rug, where I kneel down in front of the open window.  Raising the knife's blade, I steady it in front of my heart.  Right before I end it all, a light crosses my vision.  My attention is diverted to my tool of deliverance, and I realize that I can see the reflection of the moon and stars shining upon the sharpened blade.

"Aww, my little darling," a tender voice says, picking me up and setting me upon her shoulder.  "Look up!  Look at the stars!"

"Mamamama," I burble, pointing up at the stars.  "Mama bwight lights.  Bwight lights!"  I beam into my mother's gentle face.  "Stas, mama!"

"Aren't they beautiful," my mom says, bouncing me around in her arms.  I giggle and throw my head backward, happy to be in my mother's arms, bouncing in the moonlight.

"Hey!"  A shout captures my attention, and I swing my head around to see twelve, almost thirteen year old Ion running up to us.  "Mom, there's going to be a meteor shower tonight!  I'm going to capture it, okay?"

"Go ahead, 582," my mom nods before going back to bouncing me around.  I yawn, suddenly tired, and bury my head into that spot beneath my mom's neck and shoulder.  Surrounded by a mother's love, I fall into a deep, peaceful sleep.

Hands shaking, I lower the blade.  No.  These good people have sacrificed their lives for me.  I cannot... I cannot let these sacrifices go down in vain.  That would be such a selfish thing to do after these selfless people have given up their lives for my miserable life to continue.  But then, I don't want anyone else to die for me.  My mind returns to the day Sofos had discovered me after I had punched a tree until my hands bled, and I remember the quotes of wisdom he had imparted.  Perhaps I should continue to live on and prove myself...  With a shout, I throw the knife down, and watch as it spins to a stop.  How could I ever have considered ending my life after all of these sacrifices?

I walk back outside into the moonlight with my katana.

***

The chirps of crickets go silent as I proceed through the grass alone, thinking about my predicament.  How I miss the ones that I will never see again.  Saudade, Sofos called the feeling once while he was trying to justify my feelings.  "The melancholic longing for something that will never return.  You love your family, but their deaths and your longing for them brings you so much pain."

"Tharseo," a little voice whispers behind me.  I turn to see Demon Unari staring at me through the bushes.  He gives a cheerful wave before leaping out into my path, lips twitching as he tries to hide his laughter.

"Is this a cruel trick that you are playing on me," I say, "coming here after yet another person has fallen victim to my life?  Especially when this victim is the one you are impersonating?"

"Don't worry," the demon says, grinning widely, his sharp teeth showing.  "It's not your fault, so why do you bother?  Go.  Drink some of the juices Unari has stored inside the house you are using.  Eat a large meal, it will make you feel better!  Don't mourn his death... Party!  Unari is at peace."

"Unari is dead because of me," I state firmly.

Demon Unari laughs, twitching his tail.  "Oh, you poor Tharseo.  Mourning every little thing.  Sulk, sulk, sulk.  Mwa, Mwa, Mwa.  Do you really think it's because of insignificant little you that these people are giving their lives?  Unari died because he was protecting his friend in his mind, the friend he couldn't save the first time.  Ionracas died because the Creatorians were experimenting on him.  And your parents died because they were traitors!"

I raise my sword, pointing it at the demon's neck.  "My parents were only doing what was right!  Unari refused to let me suffer, regardless of the consequences!  And Ion... I could have been experimented on instead of Ionracas!  I would've been, too!  You see these scars?  They would have killed me, first!  But no!  Ion pleaded for my life!  So don't you ever say such things about them.  Don't you ever put the blame on their memories!"

"Idiot," the demon laughs.  "Your scars were just used to help torture Ionracas for the experiment.  They never would've killed you.  They need you, Tharseo!  Your brother sacrificed himself for the good of the world!  He made a difference, so be happy!"

I lunge forward, cutting the demon through the neck.  Unaffected, he lets out a stream of raucous laughter, darting away from me.  "Be happy?" I cry.  "Be happy after these innocent people have been killed?  Take that back, you're messed up!"

Crossing his arms and twirling in the air, Demon Unari evades my blade once again.  "Sulk, sulk, sulk," he mocks.  "You must reconsider, Tharseo.  I'm only a part of you.  You're the crazy one here!  I'm a figment of your imagination, and I don't even exist!"

"Is that so?" I murmur.  "Then if you're a figment of my imagination, I can do whatever I want to you!"  I slice again at the demon, imagining blood spurting from his wounds.  This time, my cut slices through his wings, rendering him unable to fly.  He crumples to the ground, then frantically crawls away to escape my wrath.  "Disappear!" I demand, destroying the Unari-impersonating demon who is ruining the memories of the ones I cared for.  "Disappear!  And never return!"

When the demon is nothing but a bloody mess on the ground, I feel relief, like a weight has been lifted from my spine.  Time to stop sulking and placing the blame on myself, and move on.  My goal from this point on is to avenge and repair the misdeeds of the past.