19 november 2023

the numbness he felt after the disappearance of the girl who he was not supposed to love. her comeback.

One day I decided to meet up with this girl, whom I'd met before but couldn't remember when or where, at a cosy cafe in the centre of the city. She gave me her number on a receipt and I thought I'd thrown it away, but when I put on the jacket that I was planning to wear the day before, I found the piece of paper crumpled inside of a pocket.
Being with somebody that wasn't Sadie didn't sound even slightly appealing to me, but she was dead and I was probably going to die as well if I didn't stop grieving. It didn't sound so terrible, but I wasn't ready to pass away just then. I had no idea how to get out of that endless misery, but when I saw that phone number, I thought that maybe that's what I needed - to talk to somebody.
It was always hard to do something without Sadie, and this was far worse than anything I'd ever done because it felt like I was cheating on her. I tried to convince myself that it was not cheating, telling myself that it was just "healing" or that we never even dated to begin with or that, you know, she was dead.
Nonetheless, it hurt me terribly to meet up with that unknown woman to talk about unknown things and do unknown things just to try to forget the only thing that mattered. As I got to the cafe, I got the urge to go back home because, really, what was I doing? I didn't want to get over Sadie. I didn't want to not think about her and I didn't want to have anything from what we had with somebody else. She was the only one for me, but now she was gone and there was nothing and nobody left. Not even myself.
I'm not sure what kept me from turning around - curiosity, maybe. I got to the restaurant and realised that I wasn't even entirely sure who I was looking for. Sure enough, as I was looking around, this woman raised her big brown eyes to meet mine and waved me over. She was a clean, slim woman and her eyes and gestures instantly told me that she was intelligent. Her hair was brown and fell to her shoulders and she wore business attire even though she was a student - which she revealed to me later. She never told me her name - maybe she thought that I still remembered it, or maybe she just liked her privacy in case nothing happened between us.
She did most of the talking. It was hard for me to even look at her because it was the first time since Sadie disappeared that I sat at a table with someone. It was odd to look at this woman and not see a blue-haired girl. She talked about nothing in particular and I had to fight the urge to walk away over and over again. I guess she saw how uneasy I was feeling because she asked if I wanted to hang out another time, to which I replied more harshly than intended:
"Actually, I don't think this is working out".
The nameless woman didn't look even slightly appalled - it was like she'd been expecting this.
"I agree. But can you tell me one thing?"
I nodded, still not daring to look at her.
"Can you look at me when you answer this time? And, please, be honest. We'll never meet again anyway, but I'd like to know the truth."
I looked into her deep brown eyes as I, once again, nodded.
"Is there somebody else?" she asked.
Not entirely certain of how to answer, I stared at her for a few seconds. Then nodded once more.
"Why did you ring me up, then? Do you not care about them?"
"I do care."
"Then?"
"She's gone."
Her eyes seemed to warm up, and she put her hand on top of mine, which was on the table, and squeezed. I was trying not to cry because it's so unlike me to cry. But, really, everything that I'd become after Sadie died wasn't like me.
After a while of staying in silence, she asked me if I could wait until the dessert she ordered arrived and I agreed because now she knew about Sadie and it felt like I couldn't leave her so soon. She was sipping her coffee and staring out the big window at the heavy traffic when she suddenly looked thoroughly focused on something in the distance. I didn't look - it was probably unimportant anyway. Then she took the cup from her lips and said:
"I think somebody should help that woman..."
Interest got the best of me and I looked outside, following her gaze, on the other side of the road. There I saw her - only she looked nothing like the girl I knew.
"It's her," I said, but I'm not sure if the words made their way out of my throat.
Outside was Sadie.
I couldn't think about anything other than Sadie as I took some money from my wallet and threw it on the table, then rushed out of the cafe. I ran directly into the traffic, not caring about the cars or the honking or the drivers' yelling. I ran to her, and only her.
Once I got to the other side, I couldn't see her anymore and I felt my whole world crumble into pieces. I looked around desperately, tears filling my eyes and I felt like my body would give up right there. Then I saw her blue hair again, in the middle of the hustling and bustling of that f*****g city. I made my way through the crowd and she was there, staring at her feet in what seemed like confusion. She didn't see me, I didn't see her face, but I could recognise her even by a strand of hair at any minute.
I walked up to her slowly, unsurely, and as I got nearer she raised her head slowly and what I saw in her eyes and engraved on every bit of her face was pure terror. For a second I was certain she was dead and that that was the last step towards my descent into insanity. She looked terrifying - her skin was, in fact, as pale as a ghost's. Her face was dirty and bloody, her eyes bloodshot, her hair way too long, tangled and dirty and her clothes just as messy. There were wounds and bruises all over her body, some of them still bleeding. But the worst change was her weight. She had always been thin, but then there was simply nothing left on her body other than bones. Truly, she looked like a rotting corpse and, as much as I hate to admit it, I felt like throwing up at that sight.
When she understood who I was, a major change happened in her eyes and in her features. It looked like all the fear had been washed away. She looked at me and tried to say something, but couldn't. "Sadie," I whispered and took her bruised hands in mine as uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks.
"Karma," she replied, but it was nearly inaudible. And she collapsed.
She fell in my arms barely breathing, and it felt weird to hug her withered body, but also so familiar, because, despite everything, she was still the one I'd held countless times. I knew so well that Sadie's the only one I'll ever be able to love. When the look of terror vanished, I saw that she was still so beautiful and I remembered all of the times when I'd clung onto the hope that she'd come back one day. How did I manage to live without her?
Right there and then, holding her limp body, I promised both of us that I'll never lose her again.

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[Relic]

(One day I decided to meet up with this girl, whom I'd met before but couldn't remember when or where, at a cosy cafe in the centre of the city.) This sentence sounds like you couldn't remember where at the cozy cafe in the centre of the city you met her, which doesn't sound right.

One day I decided to meet up with this girl at a cozy cafe in the centre of the city. I'd met her before but couldn't remember where or when.