27 march 2022

yes, i wrote this in 8th grade.to this day i still love how raw his feelings towards her are in this one. sadie and karma have my heart <3

Have you ever met one of these people who have an overwhelming amount of potential, money, and strength, but decide to live out their lives in so much vice that it becomes unbreathable and you have no choice but wonder how can they wake up every day to a life like this? And you wish you could help them take a breath and wake up, but they don't realize that they need help and they keep shrugging it off like "it"s not that bad, I can stop anytime", and you know that they are desperate for that f*****g breath of air that they are, in fact, too miserable to get alone, but their pride will never allow them to ask for help.
Well, I have come across one of these people, and she's laying in my bed, intoxicated. Drugs. And I could not stop her, because I am, as well, vicious. But she, Sadie, takes an impossible amount of substances at once, an amount that would probably end me quickly. I know this is not a life to live. I know she can not get by for much more until finally falling apart. I know she needs help. And, again, I'm unable to do anything for her cause.
Though, I was awake enough to basically drag her to my house, to my bed. I would never let her outside, no matter how much I want her to wake up one day, alone, in the cold, and this "Wow, this really must stop". I would not, because who the f**k leaves the person most important to them by themselves, at night, filled head to toe with drugs? It doesn't matter how much you want them to realize that what they have going on is not a life to live, you just can't physically leave them like that, no matter how hard you try to bring your body to just walk away.
And then you bring them home, change them in your clothes and lay their head on your pillow.
And I am here, staring at my ceiling in the pale moonlight, hating both myself for feeling something like this and Sadie for not waking the f**k up from whatever is taking over her because the Sadie that came into my classroom that day was not a f*****g drug addict. She was who I described at the very begging: a person with a lot of potential, money, and strength. But now she's here and I wish, I truly wish, she wasn't here. I wish that neither of us had to deal with this s**t.
I turn to my side to face Sadie. The moment I do so, she shifts a little, groans, and tells me in a raspy voice that comes from drugs and sleepiness, without opening her eyes "stop looking at me". That's how she has been since the very beginning - able to sense someone taking even a glance at her even while she's asleep. I'm relieved to see that that part of her is still here, but I'm disappointed when she falls right back asleep, even if I'm still looking at her. Usually, I could tell she was not sleeping unless I have turned away.