ode to a chance i never took

I know you wanna leave. High school is finally over and you can feel that intoxicating rush of freedom in your veins. I know, trust me. I feel it too. But can you stay for a little bit longer, just so I can tell you something? I know you'd rather just go, but we've got our whole lives ahead of us babe, so come on, sit beside me. I've got some things I need to get off my chest, even if it's only on paper, even if it's too late.

1) I don't know what I was waiting for. I don't know why I had got it in my head that sooner or later you would come up to me and strike up a conversation. Why would you? If we're being brutally honest here, things like that only ever happen to pretty girls. I'm perfectly average myself and yes, I have been told that I am a very interesting person to talk to, but how were you supposed to know that?

We did talk a few times, nothing too deep, but it was enough to keep me going for days, pathetic as that may sound. One time, you read me a silly little poem that you had come up with in class. Another time, we were joking around and I said something that made you laugh really hard. I felt so proud. So irrationally, stupidly proud.

A few months later, you called me by my best friend's name. Oh well.

2) I've dyed my hair hot pink and I think it looks f*****g great. People tell me I don't even look like myself, how cool is that? Tonight at graduation, when I went to shake the principal's hand, the overhead lights fell on me and my hair was pure fire. I hoped you would be watching. Maybe it wasn't too late after all.

You didn't look at me once, not even by accident.

3) If someone asks me what I like about you, I'll probably say it's your eyes, or your smile or even your great a*s (you should wear sweatpants more often, trust me on that). But do you want to know the truth? I wanna talk to you. You seem like you have so much to say, and I can't pinpoint exactly why that is. You're a mystery, I think, and that intrigues me to no end. When I told my best friend that, she laughed at me. I realize I sound absurd. I realize that you and I are very different. I just feel like you would get me.

I'm sorry, I really can't explain it any better.

4) I'm not just jealous of your girlfriend. I'm jealous of your friends as well. Once, on a field trip, your former best friend told me about how you two would stay awake at night and talk for hours on end. I didn't ask her what you talked about. Now I kinda wish I had.

5) Do you ever just sit and think about how the universe is endless? I don't know why, but I've always wanted to ask you that. Stupid how your views on the universe would seem so important to me. If you even have an opinion on the universe, that is.

That's it I think. I don't really feel any better, there is not even a hint of the closure I was hoping for. I'll kinda miss you, you know. Not in a romantic, heartbroken way. I think it will be more like the uneasiness of an unsolved mystery. Serves me right I guess, for expecting that the universe would take care of things for me.

Thanks for listening anyway. You can go now if you want. I think I'll leave too, there's nothing left for me here. I think I'll take the long way out, the one that wraps all around the school. You can come, if you'd like. I'll even tell you a secret. Next to that half-dead tree, the one you and your friends used to smoke under, is where you can see the most stars.