I never knew

How did I never know? She was enchanting, she was wonderful and I let her go. Or rather, I never had her. Because I never knew.

I never knew I loved her. You know, she was always there, always a given. She'd been in my grade since first year. I knew her, and as the years went on she just became more and more invisible to me, because she'd always been there. Or so I thought. I think it sounds cliche and I never thought I'd say this one day but it's true, that you never know what you got until it's gone. Now she's gone. Walked out of my life, like it was the easiest thing to do ever. Well, I know for a fact it wasn't, but that's another part of this story.
I feel like I should introduce myself, but I don't know how and to be honest, I don't know if I want to. But I can describe her. She was just incredible. Her hair almost golden, or so it seemed in the sun. She was small and really funny. Her laugh was loud and contagious and I had to smile every time I heard it. And she laughed a lot. Her eyes were blue like the deepest ocean and I swear you could stare into them for hours. Not that I ever did. She was a mystery, and she was one of the kindest people I've ever met.

But she also seemed very sad at times when she was alone or when she thought nobody saw. I don't know if anyone else noticed. She had that empty look in her eyes that made me want to hug her tight and tell her everything was going to be alright.
It wasn't of course. Not for her apparently.

When I first met her she was that tiny first grader with the most ridiculous clothing style. Ridiculous but also kinda cool, because, you see, she didn't care what other people thought of her. Not until seventh grade. She was cute, she was funny, everyone couldn't help but to like her. I fell for her too, not that I knew it. That's why I'm writing this in the first place.

I accepted her as something that had always been there and that always would be in my life. After sixth grade we stopped talking altogether. New friends, difficult times, figuring yourself out. She got sad. I didn't really notice. She slipped out of my mind like water. Seemed like the most normal thing. Which it probably was, but I'm still shocked when I think about it. I didn't care for her, not really anyways, and I didn't think of her. In ninth grade I had my first girlfriend. It only lasted a few weeks, because it didn't feel right but I didn't care because the most important thing back then was having a girlfriend, no matter how long. After the breakup she first came back into my mind since seventh grade. I caught her staring out the window with that utterly sad look in her eyes. I didn't ask what was going on. I didn't even know her.
I walked away. Maybe this was my first mistake. Maybe I should've stayed. Maybe everything would be different today. I wish everything was different than what it is now because now feels like the worst time of my life.
In tenth grade, she got a boyfriend. That hurt. I didn't understand why, I hadn't talked to her in years, I didn't know her anymore, she wasn't part of my life. But it did. It felt like a wasp had just landed on my chest and stung me a few times where it would pain me the most.
Her boyfriend treated her like s**t. She didn't deserve it. I knew that, her friends knew that, I think even he knew that. She didn't. We didn't say anything.
It was a messy breakup. She cried a lot, he hit her, she cried even more, he just screamed louder. But she was free again. I promised myself to talk to her, to comfort her, help her and to make friends with her again. I really liked her. Safe to say I broke that promise.

When we were seventeen I caught her again. This time she wasn't staring out a window. She was hurting herself. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. So I walked away, slowly. I know. That was one of the worst decisions of my life, but I didn't let her get away with it. I cornered her that next day and asked her what was going on. If she was okay. She obviously wasn't. She lied. She told me her grandfather had died two days ago. She was a good actress, she could've fooled me if I hadn't seen her the day before and if I hadn't known that her grandpa died last year. I knew because she'd come to school shaking that day.
I let it go. I couldn't get to her, I was just a stranger; a stranger with whom she'd been going to school for more than ten years, but still. I didn't know her, I didn't know I loved her. I never knew until now.

She had another boyfriend at the age of eighteen. He was just as bad as the first one. I think he was hitting her, too. Sometimes she'd look so scared and sad that I feared for her life. At this point, the little girl with the ridiculous style and the sparkling eyes was gone.
I talked to her again and again. I told her to break up with him. I told her to get help if she wanted to be free and if she wanted to get out of this hell she was being held in. I don't know if she wanted to, though. That was the hardest part. Seeing her break one piece at a time, knowing that she could get out, that she could become that happy girl again, with the laugh that made everyone else laugh. But she didn't. She stayed with him.

Two months ago I was at a funeral. It wasn't her funeral. I hope I'll never have to go to hers. It was that of her boyfriend. He got drunk, he got in a fight, he got stabbed. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I think it's for the better. He wasn't a nice person.
She seemed sad today. I mean, she'd looked like that for the last two years, but this was a different sad. I think she loved him very much, even though he was cruel.

I haven't seen her since that. I talked to her but she walked away with tears in her eyes. I wrote her a few letters. I didn't get one back. I hope she's doing okay.
She's got a therapist now, and she moved to New York. I still live miles apart from her in this town that we went to school at.

Sometimes life doesn't play out the way you want it to, I think she of all people knows that best. It hurts, knowingg that she is living a life without me, somewhere miles away from me with other people comforting her, being her friends. But maybe she needed that. To get away from everything that happened. Cut toxic people out of her life. To be truly free, to start again.

Maybe I need that too.
Do you?

Author's Note

Do tell me if you have any criticism, reviews are always wished for!
Thank you so much for giving this a read!

Reviews

[AmandaFuller]

This is truly an amazing story! I love the detail and how real it is.

[Velvet Angel]

Thank you very much for reviewing my story! I'm glad you liked it.

[AmandaFuller]

I love all of your writings. Sorry if I reveiw it a lot though.

[Velvet Angel]

Thank you very much and don't worry, I love every review I get and try to answer all of them!

[Michaela Moerke]

fantastic piece of work. if i may recommend, try delving deeper into her personlity and its contrast to when she was becomming sad. also if you could linger longer on when you caught her hurting her self thatd be awesome too. cant wait to read more!

[Velvet Angel]

Thanks for reviewing! I'll try to keep your recommendations in mind next time, I really appreciate your criticism!