the happening

 

Milli was just a normal 14 year old kid, she lived with her mum in Glasgow and rarely visited her dad, mainly because he was off on important business trips. Her parents were divorced but she didn’t mind because she led an easy going lifestyle, she went to a normal high school and had a few friends who she sometimes had sleepovers with. She was an only child and she liked it that way not only did she get spoiled by her mother but she also liked her privacy, she heard from her friend Evie that little brothers and sisters never give you time to think because their always coming into your room and annoying you all the time. To our story, Milli was just about to go out shopping with her friends in the town, she had decided that she wanted to have a shower and style her hair before picking out her outfit that she would wear. As she opened the shower door, which screeched, she heard her mum calling her and telling her to remember and take the new shampoo and conditioner into the shower with her,” Yes mum I’ve already done that!” she shouted down stairs to her mum. She stepped into the shower slowly, to prevent from slipping on the wet surface beneath her, when she finally entered the shower she slipped on a rubber band that her mum had obviously left in the shower because she was the only one that used them to tie her hair up instead of using bobbles, she fell with a thud and an excruciating pain ran up her leg. “mum stop leaving your stupid rubber bands in the shower I almost slipped on  one “ I lied, I didn’t want her to know what had really happened because she would exaggerate a little more than she should but then again she was always like that because after all Milli was always accident prone. Suddenly, she was forced onto the wall of the shower, she tried to pull herself back but it didn’t work, it was as if she was on the sticky wall ride that she always went on when her mother took her to the funfair. This however was much worse, about 40 times worse than when she was on the funfair ride, it was much more like gravitational pull as if she could feel the earth moving. The pain went on for about 5 more minutes, she called for her mum several times but it was as if she was invisible. When the pain suddenly stopped she fell to the ground hurt, in pain and hardly breathing, she was so confused, she didn’t know how it happened or why.

 

Opening the door, Milli fell out of the shower on to the towel that lay beneath her, “Mum, help me Mum” she whispered, you could hardly hear her for she could hardly breath, somehow her mother came running up the stairs to tend to her half-dead daughter, who lay screaming on the soaking wet floor, “Hush now honey it will be ok what happened here are you ok, are you breathing” as any mother would she asked too many questions, that i didn’t know the answers to. How would I explain that I felt the earth move, but the question that was buzzing through my head was, was I the only one that felt it...

“Sweetheart it’s time to go, if you don’t come downstairs and get out the door you’ll miss the bus.  

Reviews

[lolfiary]

this is good but I thought that she was going to the cinema not school or shes taking the bus to get to the cinema? plus what sort of sad mother tells there half-dead daughter that your going to miss the bus when she needs to get to hospital unless that was supposed to be a difrent day or something?

but it was relly good! :{D

[bethany cullen]

Well it is good but there are a few errors like;

- You didn't always use question marks, commas,full stops and speech marks.
-Some of it didn't make sense like To our story.. or the last part because if she was on the floor and couldn't breathe her mother wouldn't be saying " you'll miss the bus."
- You also changed from 3rd person to 1st because at the start you were explaining how Milli did this then you changed into "I didn't know" instead of "Milli didn't know"

You did write a good piece though because it leaves readers in the dark however be sure to use more descriptive words that make your chapter more gripping.

[jillibeanx]

btw this isnt the whole chapter x