How to Move On

            Weeks had passed. Weeks filled with laughter and tears, weeks filled with going out with friends and meeting new people, weeks filled with sunrises and sunsets. Weeks filled with searching.

Searching for peace.

Searching for answers.

Searching for the blue-eyed monster.

Paige had gone every Sunday afternoon, as usual, to visit Walter’s grave. Each time she went with the hope to meet the mysterious man in the trench coat once more. Each time she left disappointed. She wrote a note addressed to him and would tuck it each Sunday safely from the wind within her new bouquet of flowers. No one ever picked it up.

It was Sunday again, and Paige was internally debating whether to go to the cemetery that day. Outside of her bedroom window, the sky was silver with hues of white. The clouds tucked the sun away and flurries began to flutter down to create a thin blanket on the ground. Paige looked back at the meteorologist on tv, taking another sip of her morning coffee. Its steam caressed the apple of her cheeks and tickled her nose. The hot liquid touched her lips, bathed her tongue with a taste both bitter and sweet, and warmed her chest.

Ah…

Her phone rang. Paige leaned over the kitchen table to see who it was. It was her best friend, Tatiana. With a tap of her finger, she answered the call. With another, she put it on speaker phone.

“Well if it isn’t Selena. How you been mama?”

“Oooooh like I haven’t heard that one before,” Tatiana’s grainy voice answered, “I’ve been cool. How about you studs?”

“Just here watching the news,” Paige replied, unconsciously feeling her studded diamond earrings.

“Excellent. You’re not doing anything. So, I thought I would invite you to a get together that’s tonight⸺”

“Get together?”

“Rules: BYOB⸺”

“You mean a blind date?”

“Well, blind for you. Not for me.”

“And how exactly is that fair?”

“I didn’t exactly say that it was going to be fair, Paige.”

Paige could hear the underlying snicker in her voice.

“I can’t make it anyway,” Paige stated flatly as she turned the tv off.

“What? Why?”

Paige paused for a moment before answering.

“Tatiana. It’s Sunday.”

“Oh.”

There was an awkward silence. Paige decided to do dishes. She took her phone with her and placed it next to the sink. There was still no response. She turned on the faucet, let it run until there was cold water, and then began to scrub the pan she used to make her breakfast.

She finally heard a sigh from the phone, and she put down the pan and put her hands on the edges of the sink to brace herself for what Tatiana had to say this time.

“You know,” Tatiana began, “don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

Paige didn’t respond, she just scowled at the water rushing out of the faucet.

“It isn’t healthy,” Tatiana added.

Paige turned off the faucet. She could feel the heat rushing up to her head.

“I’m sure Walter would’ve wanted you to move on to have a full, happy life⸺”

“Well, you know what Tatiana? You couldn’t be sure of that, and if you couldn’t be sure of that there’s no way you could possibly find out because Walter is dead!”

Tatiana fell silent. Paige immediately felt guilty for snapping at her. She dropped her head in her hands and took a deep breath. But before she could apologize, her friend spoke again.

“Hey. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to snap at me like that.”

Paige cursed through clenched teeth.

Let me apologize first, stupid…

“You’re right. I don’t know what Walter would’ve wanted for you in a situation like this.”

The guilt continued to eat away at Paige with Tatiana’s every word.

I didn’t want to be right, d****t, just stop talking…

“But,” Tatiana continued, “I want you to move on and have a full, happy life. I want you to stop hurting. I want you to be okay.”

“He was like a father to me…” Paige muttered, just loud enough for Tatiana to hear over the phone, “I already lost one. I…I hate losing another one…”

“Paige…” Tatiana sighed, “You have to face the reality of the situation. You’ve already lost your second one. And you have to see that it’ll be okay…That everything is going to be fine. That you’ll be fine.”

Paige then remembered the blue-eyed monster. His words echoed in her mind.

“Walter…is…dead…”

“I’m sorry.”

Paige wiped the tears that had already made their way down her face away with the sleeve of her pajama shirt. Tatiana could hear her sniffing over the phone and understood that she was crying now.

“Paige. Hun. Listen to me.”

Paige steadied her breathing and looked up at the cream-colored ceiling to force back her tears.

“Go to his house.”

Paige’s head snapped forward. Her brows furrowed in confusion.

“Go to his house?” she asked.

“Go to his house,” Tatiana repeated, “I think it’s time. If you’re going to start getting better and letting go, you have to start, I don’t know, some sort of journey. I think going to his house is a good place to start since you’ve already visited his grave so many times.”

Paige thought it over for a moment. Going to his house… What if it hurt her more than it would help her? She was nervous. But then again, what if the answers she was seeking were there? What if she was able to make her peace?

She wanted to be okay.

And if this was going to work, she would have to go in determined.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Good. Call me if you need anything or someone to talk to okay? Let me know how it goes. I’ve got to run. Take care studs.”

“Thanks, Tatiana. I mean it.”

Tatiana hung up. A silence filled the apartment, yet made it feel so empty. Paige’s feet were planted on the kitchen floor. She willed herself to get moving.

Move.

C’mon.

She counted to three.

On three, she rushed into her bedroom to get dressed.