Elderly Couple

This is a short playlet. I hope you enjoy it!

[There is a garage and a house, there is a door, which leads from the garage to the house (which is on the other side of the stage). In the house, all you can see is the living room with a rocking chair and recliner, and part of the kitchen where there is a sink and counters. Lights up to ALFRED and GERTRUDE who are in their garage about to head Christmas shopping. It is dark out, late November early December.]                               

ALFRED

Give me the keys. I’m driving.

GERTRUDE

No, Alfred, you are not driving.

ALFRED

Why not?

GERTRUDE

You’re as blind as a damn bat, Alfred!

ALFRED

Well, don’t go thinking you see any better at night.

GERTRUDE

Oh? Well, how many accidents have I been in?

ALFRED

Five, you have been in five accidents, Gertrude.

 

GERTRUDE

That is three less than you, my dear.

ALFRED

All right, three of those dents were from shopping carts in the parking lot. Two more were people behind me not using their god-forsaken breaks fast enough, and the last three (beat) they were just not my fault.

GERTRUDE

Those dents could not have been from shopping carts, they were much too big. Second, you shouldn’t have stopped at the yellow light thinking it was red so the people behind you hit the dang bumper of the car. And lastly, you were driving, how were they not your fault?

ALFRED

Gertrude, listen. Those dents were from shopping carts.

GERTRUDE

Those were not little dings from a shopping cart, those were full-blown dents.

ALFRED

No, they weren’t, they were just a little paint chippings. For Christ sakes, Woman.

GERTRUDE

We have to go see Dr. Jones. Your eyesight must be going because there is no way in hell that those full blown dents were little dings with some chipped paint.

ALFRED

No way, I am not going to no doctor. I am fine, I can see fine, you on the other hand are the blind one.

                           GERTRUDE        

I agree that my eyesight may not be as keen as it was back in the day, but it is much better than yours is. At least I can see the steps without falling on my fat rump.

ALFRED

For starters, I didn’t fall, I slipped, the stairs were wet from rain.

GERTRUDE

There wasn’t a damn cloud in the sky, Alfred. There is no way that those stairs could have been wet.

 

ALFRED

It was Gertrude. The neighbors must have left their damn sprinklers on again, I can see perfectly fine, I don’t go tripping down no stairs for no reason. But you on the other hand, you can’t even see the damn TV without putting a chair two feet in front of it.

GERTRUDE

It is much further away than two feet, my eyesight is not that poor. At least I can see at night to make my own way to the bathroom without stepping in Mittens litter box!

ALFRED

That godforsaken cat moved it’s litter box in front of the damn bathroom door.

GERTRUDE

The CAT moved it’s litter box? Brilliant story, Alfred. What are you going to tell me next? The neighbor’s dog changes the clock so you can’t tell the time?

ALFRED

For all I know that thing does, that clock is never right!

GERTRUDE

The clock is always right, you just can’t see it to tell the time!

ALFRED

Why does that matter, I got a watch to tell the time from.

 

GERTRUDE

The only reason you can tell the time using that watch is because the print is so gosh darn big.

ALFRED

(grunts)

GERTRUDE

You know I am right.

ALFRED

(Grunts louder)

GERTRUDE

Now where are they keys, I am driving.

ALFRED

How the heck am I to know, you had them last.

GERTRUDE

No, they are not on the hook! That mean you have them.

ALFRED

No, it means you have misplaced them.

GERTRUDE

What does that mean?

ALFRED

It means exactly what I said. YOU-HAVE-MISS-PLACED-THEM.

GERTRUDE

What are you talking about, you had them a second ago when you said you were driving.

ALFRED

Your memory must be going too because I asked you for the keys so I could drive. I never had them.

GERTRUDE

My memory is fine, you are just losing your mind!

 

 

 

ALFRED

I am not losing my mind, Woman. I am fully functioning, and so are my eyes now give me the keys so we can go shopping for the grandkids.

GERTRUDE

I told you I don’t have the keys!

ALFRED

Then where the heck are they?

GERTRUDE

I don’t know, you should know!

ALFRED

It wasn’t my day to watch the dang keys, now was it?

GERTRUDE

It should have been because you never watch anything around here.

ALFRED

Go back inside and check the counters. I’ll stay right here and wait.

               GERTRUDE          

(Sighs) (Under her breath) The man can’t do anything around here.

(GERTRUDE exits stage right to go itnot the house there is a slight silence.)

GERTRUDE

(From inside the house) I can’t find them, where would they be?

ALFRED

On the counter top, like I told you.

GERTRUDE

(From inside the house) They are not there, where else should I look?

ALFRED

I don’t have the foggiest idea.

GERTRUDE

(From inside the house) Come in here and help me look.

ALFRED

For good God’s sake. (Under his breath) Can’t do anything for herself.

(ALFRED exits stage right to go into the house.)

GERTRUDE

(Goes and sits down in her rocking chair) I don’t know where the keys are, I don’t know what to tell you, Alfred.

(The grandfather clock chimes 8 times, thus meaning 8.)

ALFRED

Well it’s 8 now, it is too late to go out shopping.

GERTRUDE

I guess you’re right, we will have to look for the keys in the morning.

ALFRED

Yup (Yawns) we will (sits down in his recliner)

GERTRUDE

Well (picks up her knitting) Let’s settle in for the night.

ALFRED

(Snores)

GERTRUDE

(To audience) Well that’s one thing he can’t do, stay awake when he’s in his recliner.

(Lights fade while GERTRUDE is knitting in her rocking chair and ALFRED is snoring in his recliner.)

Author's Note

Tell me what you think, please!