Free Me.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to, simple as that. I just don't know what to do about it. With all the things going on, with everything that's ever happened, living each day is horrible. I just want it to all end. 

"Hey." Alanna said behind me.

"What's up?"

"The same old same old, I really just want to not eat over the summer. Like ever again. I hate my body, i don't get it. I do everything. I eat healthy, i exercise, nothing ever works, i'll just always be fat." She started in the continuous type rant conversation we have everyday. "You know, one day i just want to get sick, will myself. Just die, so it doesn't look like it's my fault, maybe someone will care if that happened."

I thought for a minute while she stared blankly at me. Thinking about how i've thought the same thing for so long. Though about my past attempts at suicide. How i had taken a s**t ton of pills but only passed out. How i've tried to get run over, or drown. About how i've thought about willing myself into getting sick. Maybe do something dangerous to give myself cancer, that way it doesn't seem like i did it myself, that way people would care. People only ever care about you if you're pretty or dyeing. And i was neither.

"What are you thinking about this time?" Alanna asked me.

"Same thing as you." This is when we started disguising ideas, it was so sick to other people passing by, but to us, this was our escape, this was our way of communicating, we were the only people to talk to each other about these types of things. Everyone else had left me. I had no one else to say these things to, no one else to save me except the people on Tumblr would i would never be able to see anyways.

"I have morphine pills." I started.

"Or willing yourself into sickness."

"I thought about this a while back. Buying a tank of carbon monoxide, and getting a mask and tube, and letting it loose, breathing it all in, just to slip into death."

"Or you could just shoot yourself."

"I've thought about that, but you know what? It may be the quickest, least painful way to do it, but it's so messy. I mean, someones gona have to find you eventually, your body that is, and i don't want someone to find it all covered in blood and guts, that would be horrible. I'd rather make it look like a heart attack or something. Less painful for other people."

"That's true." She said.

"You could ever go the car route."

"What's the car route? Crashing it or something?"

"No. I can't drive. Taking a tube, putting it in the exhaust pipe, leading it into the window or another opening in the car, turn on the car, and sit there and die. I watched it in a Billy Talent video."

We would have kept talking about this conversation if it wasn't for a couple of other people decided to show up, so we quickly changed the conversation to something lighter, as to not make the others uncomfortable. But it's all i ever thought about. How i just wanted it to go away. I've already got most of it planned. What the last words i would say to everyone would be, what i would leave people, the last thing i would see, the last thing i would hear. The only thing i couldn't decide on was how. I was mostly set on pills, just not knowing what kind. I want it to be as painless as possible, i never wana feel the pain of this world again.

Reviews

[MoriartyMesa]

Is this part of something bigger, I kinda felt like i walked into a room. Not between two people fighting but kinda just shootin the s**t. Is there more or is this gonna be in the book?