Alone

This is what really broke my looooong writer's block I had gotten over the summer and well into fall. :D

"I felt the water fill my lungs despite my effort to keep my mouth closed. My body and mind panicked, causing me to attempt to struggled and use up the little oxygen I had left. I desperately tried to somehow claw my way to the surface, to rid my lungs of the water and fill them with air. Suddenly, the chaos subsided and I felt a calm come over me. Everything seemed peaceful and the sound of the water in my ears was far away. I began to realize that this was a situation I would beat, but instead of be angry I was content. It was as though I had reached a state of bliss-where all matters didn't bother me. I had no enemies or bad memories. Everything was just perfect. A small speck of darkness appeared in my vision and I felt it getting brighter. I didn't move toward it, but it instead came to me. I thought of the irony of that, but it made a strange sense in my current state. Once the darkness engulfed me, though, my conciseness faded.  That's my earliest memory." I said.

"What happened after that?" I replied.

"I have no idea what happened afterward, but I awoke on a small bank all alone. I wasn't wet and I wasn't hurt. It was though I had fallen asleep in some strange forest. No memory except for the one of what I thought was my death. This happened over a month ago, though. Since then I've managed to realize I'm in a forest and all alone. The solitude drove me crazy at first, but I eventually learned to ignore it by making myself walk daily and try and reach and exit. I never felt the need to eat and haven't eaten since I have awoken. Nor have I needed to relieve myself. It seems as though I need nothing to survive, like I was a ghost. Still, I have a heartbeat and breathe. I try not to question the strangeness of my predicament, though. It seems to make things harder. " I answered.

"You shouldn't worry about simple things, but bigger things, like your name. Speaking of your name, what is it?" I asked myself.

"Well, I can't remember…" I answered.

"It's okay, you can make one up! I call myself Blue because the first color I saw when I woke up was Blue." I replied.

"Well, then, I supposed I should be Sky because the first thing I saw when I woke up was the sky," I replied to myself.

"I really shouldn't be talking to you as though you're a different person, Sky." I remarked, noticing how truly insane I was to have named myself two names and act as though they were different people. It was though I had multiple personalities, except I was quite aware of my actions.

"No, you shouldn't, Blue," I answered, "but isn't it going to make you less crazy when you can actually talk to someone?"

"I suppose your right, but we shouldn't talk often. I want to retain some sanity in this insanity." I decided.

With that said I closed off the conversation and continued walking. The truth had been in the words-I knew nothing and had nothing. All I had was my jeans, red tank-top, sneakers, and broken phone. I wasn't quite sure why I was wearing this, but what concerned me was my phone. I felt it held clues, but it seemed water-damaged and wouldn't work. Still, I kept it with me. It linked me to something; proving that this wasn't where I belonged.

Casting those thought aside I focused on my path. The setting sun shined dimly through the trees and the forest floored contained little vegetation. It was like every direction was a path and I had to pick the right one. It did make it a lot easier for me to walk, though. I watched as a squirrel darted across a few feet in front of me and smiled. Living creatures here always seemed to dart about and never come near me, but they were so fun to watch. I wished to follow the creature, but I knew it would veer me off my path. Instead, I continued forward, searching for a spot to sleep. I wasn't worried about being cold, but about being comfortable. In this forest the weather was always picture perfect, even if little vegetation grew.

I settled for a small indent at the base of a tree. It wasn't the most comfortable spot, but it was a spot nonetheless. I had also grown used to the uncomfortable sleep. I sighed, curled up, and allowed sleep to come to me, knowing full well I'd have the same dream I had every night. That dream would be of my death.



My feet crunched the leaves beneath my feet, providing the loudest sound I could hear. The sound of animals always sounded distant, not matter how close the animals themselves were. The solitude hit me, and I began to long for a companion. A real thing, anything, that lived and moved. Something I could touch and hold. I needed a human, to be exact; someone who I could just see. Even in my last memory I was all alone. It wasn't as though I didn't remember life; I just didn't remember what my life had been like.

"You aren't alone," A familiar voice said.

I turned to stare at a perfect clone of myself. The same green eyes, golden hair, full lips, and waifish figure stood right beside me. It was as though I was starring at a mirror cut into my exact shape.

"Hello, Blue." I smiled.

I had personified her. My insanity had grown drastically, and it seemed to be growing the longer I remained here for I cared not that she stood beside me. In fact, I was glad for her companionship. It was as though my wish had been granted.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I plan on finding an exit somehow." I answered truthfully.

"That'd make more sense if you were actually going somewhere." Blue announced.

I gazed at her in confusion. What could she possibly y mean? I had been walking for months? How could I not have gotten far? I let her led me backward, retracing my step. What I saw I was not prepared for.

Right there before me, only a three minute walk away, was the very bank I had woken up on. My mind couldn't-no, my mind wouldn't register what had happened. It wasn't possible! I couldn't have walked nowhere for so long. How, just, how? There was no answer and this scared me. On top of the fear I was angry. Angry at myself for not have noticing and angry at the fact I was trapped, truly and utterly trapped in a land all alone with no purpose to be. I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could, the force causing my body to tremble. I felt my throat hurt, but I didn't care. I continued to scream as I feel to the ground, unable to keep myself on my feet. A pair of arms circled me, and looked up. There was Sky, a sad look on her face.

"I followed you after our conversation yesterday and noticed you hadn't gotten anywhere." She sadly explained.

'You aren't real!" I screamed. "Jesus Christ, just yesterday you were in my head and today you're on the ground!"

"That may be, Sky, but here I am and you need me. I cannot go away. Please let me help you. I may be you, but I think differently. Two sides of one mind."

Her logic made sense to me, and it was true that I needed her. I sighed and closed my eyes. When I opened them I felt I had become slightly calmer so I allowed myself to stand.

"Thank you." I whispered.

She did not respond, but I knew she was grateful I hadn't gone insane to the degree I was unable to function. Taking a deep breath I inched myself closer to the water. It looked so calm and peaceful. Not a single sound could be heard coming from it, nor could a single ripple be seen-almost as if it didn't exist. I decided to test the water for some unknown reason. Almost as if it wasn't really I that reached out. Instantly I let out a quick yelp and pulled my hand back.

"Are you okay?" Blue asked with concern lacing her voice.

"I'm fine," I replied instantly. "The water was just colder than anything I'd ever felt; almost as if it instantly froze my hand."

"Let me see." She demanded and I held out my hand for her emanation.

My hand was red, clearly showing how cold the water had been. What startled me most was the pain, though. Not once since I had entered this world had I felt any pain. This instantly made me fearful of the water, as though it was the demon that condemned me to my forest prison.

My hand began to tingle as Blue slowly rubbed it, warming it up. I pulled my hand away after I felt it was safe and wrapped my shirt around it. I hadn't been frostbitten, but it had been put in extreme cold temperatures. I smiled at Blue, silently thanking her. I knew I'd be lost without her.

"What now?" She asked.

"I don't really know, but I guess we could just explore the area we have and make best of it. I don't believe we'll be leaving anytime soon." I answered.


For weeks on end I lived in a simple harmony. No longer alone I spent my days investigating with Blue by my side. She was far more quite and cynical, but she was also wiser. It was as though she was the more mature side of my mind, and I was the child. Still, I could see that she did indeed enjoy most of our day. Sure, there were hours of boredom and loneliness that caused me to contemplate the meaning of my prison, but I found joy in the everyday events. It was as though I had found a way to survive and live in this non-living yet living world. Every day I'd wake up only to explore it farther. My range was limited, but my vision was not. Many things seemed to be in need of investigation. I followed everything closely and studied it. If I saw a squirrel run I no longer saw it as a distraction, but instead chased it and observed it. Every plant I saw was immediately under my scrutiny. All this taught me was that the things lived, but they lived as I did. I never saw a single animal eat or plant grow. It was as if every little thing was frozen.

Things weren't always so investigative, though. I am human and I still require a good joke. Blue and I spent time playing mindless children's games and questioning each other. Such simple and boring games became a great form of entertainment for us and provided us many answers to questions we had about the other. It was as if I could see my mind laid out before me and could find out anything I desired about how it thought.

The only thing that I dreaded was sleep. Every night I still relived my death, over and over. It never yielded any answer, just more and more questions. It also frightened me greatly. Every day I became more and more frightened of the water until I could no longer even look at it. Blue, instead, visited the pool daily. She always came back with a large grin upon her face which would turn into a frown upon seeing me. When I inquired about this she simply informed me that it was because she wanted me to share in her happiness as well. Even though I wanted desperately to, I was terrified of the water and kept myself away. To combat the dream and fear I would stay awake as much as possible, but I had always been one who needs to sleep ever night, so I just lessened the hours I did sleep. Blue never questioned this, but I told her of my dreams nonetheless. There were no secrets between us.


"Sky, hold on." Blue called out. She was panting and nearly out of breath.

"Come on, Blue. You always had more stamina then I did, what's wrong with you?"

"Maybe it's your damn carelessness, but I like to look at hour surroundings and make sure we aren't headed into anything." She growled back.

I laughed and hurried forward. She was getting slower every day, or maybe I was getting faster. Even though she had always been the better of us, as though she was the athletic and brainy side of me, this didn't bother me. In this world I felt as though nothing was strange and that nothing was deadly.

I heard the crunching of leaves behind me cease and turned to see Blue gasping and bent over, her hands on her knees. I ran over to her, tapped her, and put a taunting smile on my face.

"That's twice in a row I tagged you." I laughed. "If tagging gave you points, I'd be winning."

Instantly Blue lunged at me and tackled me to the ground. We playfully rolled on the ground pretending to punch each other. Together we laughed as our fake punches and kicks turned to tickles. I squirmed in her arms as I tried desperately to break free. Eventually we both rolled away and laid on our backs, gasping for air.

"You know, I really am glad you came, Blue." I announced.

She reminded silent and I turned to see a worried look upon her face, but it faded into a smile so quickly that I doubted it had been there.

"Did you notice that it's always sunny? Never rainy? Not even a single cloud?" She asked, changing the subject.

I felt an uneasiness grow into a knot in my stomach, but I assured myself there was nothing to worry about. What could there be to worry about? I had told Blue that fact so often over the course of the past few weeks that she hardly ever replied. I pushed the thought away, into the back of my mind, and looked up at the sky. Sure enough it was clear and bright, despite the fact it was twilight.

"Now that you mention it, yes." I answered. "Almost as if this place is frozen in time."

"Frozen in-between life and death, you mean." Blue corrected.

Instantly, I knew this was true. I had denied it, but now that it was spoken I could no longer repress it. It all made sense. The reason the trees seemed to be dying, the reason animals seemed so distant, the reason I didn't have to perform necessary functions was all because this was a place where nothing was alive, but nothing was dead. This fact would not be so troubling if it didn't mean one thing. I had died. That drowning had indeed killed me, in a way. If it had not I would not be here, caught in a limbo between life and death.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, but it didn't work. I could sense that there was more to come.

"Sky, there's something you need to understand." Blue announced. "You made me for a reason. I'm your subconscious. I don't know any more than you do. Your knowledge and mine are one and the same."

My heart instantly sank. I couldn't bear to hear her talk ask if she was me. I need her as my companion, and that was why she was here. She was my companion. My mind could not accept that she was something else, for that was what I needed her to me. I felt myself internally argue at the insanity of her words.

"What are you talking about?" I whispered, despite the fact I was screaming inside.

"Sky, listen to me, I'm telling the truth. I'm not just your companion."

"No, no. I made you because I can't stand being alone."

"No, you didn't." She sternly insisted. "You may not accept that fact now, but in time you will."

"Stop it, Blue, and let's go to bed." I laughed. She was obviously joking with me.

"I'm not kidding, Sky."

"I-I know, Blue.  It's just; I think I need to sleep on it. You know, think about it alone for a little bit." I lied.

Blue bought into it, and I knew I was tricking my own mind. No, I was tricking my companion, and I need to do one last thing to convince here. Blue and I usually slept side by side, but I need to maintain a distance of a few feet between us to make this lie believable. It hurt, but I knew it'd work.

I closed my eyes, erasing all that had just occurred.


I started into my reflection. It looked back at my distantly. I distorted it with my gloved hand and watched as the ripples faded. I felt a heavy sadness in my heart mixed with an intense feeling of loneliness. As I watched the ripples quit and saw my reflection come back this feeling intensified. I could no longer take it. I felt it tear away at me as I plunged myself into the water.

I felt the water fill my lungs despite my effort to keep my mouth closed. My body and mind panicked, causing me to attempt to struggled and use up the little oxygen I had left. I desperately tried to somehow claw my way to the surface, to rid my lungs of the water and fill them with air. Suddenly, the chaos subsided and I felt a calm come over me. Everything seemed peaceful and the sound of the water in my ears was far away. I began to realize that this was a situation I would beat, but instead of be angry I was content. It was as though I had reached a state of bliss-where all matters didn't bother me. I had no enemies or bad memories. Everything was just perfect. A small speck of darkness appeared in my vision and I felt it getting brighter. I didn't move toward it, but it instead came to me. I thought of the irony of that, but it made a strange sense in my current state. Once the darkness engulfed me, though, my conciseness faded.


I woke with a start, gasping for breath. I had realized one very important fact. I had killed myself. Instantly I needed to tell Blue. Someone needed to here of this or I'd surely go insane. I looked around for her, but saw nothing. Instantly I bolted up and circled the area widely, but I saw no sign of her. I felt the panic set in, causing me to fall to my knees, groping the ground for something, anything. I felt the trees stream down my face. There was nothing on the ground, but I kept looking. When I realized the search yielded nothing I frantically scream her name. The silence that followed was as deafening as it was frightening. I continued to scream her name in order to avoid it. I felt my throat begin to burn form the effort, but I continued calling out. Soon my screams became whispers, but I couldn't stop.

She couldn't have left me. No, it was impossible. I needed her. She was my companion; the sole reason I remained alive and partially sane. Where was she? She had to be somewhere. Blue hadn't disappeared. No, not now. I needed her.
I stood up and ran blindly. I didn't know why I was running or where I was going, but I needed to do something. Through my sobs I could barely see, and in my current state of mind I ceased to comprehend direction. I knew not if I turned or what direction I faced, but I pressed forward. I let my feet carry me wherever they wished. Suddenly the ground beneath me became soft and I felt my legs lurch forward, faster than the rest of me could keep up. In an instant I was lying on my back, but what I was lying on terrified me.

I felt the mud through my thin shirt, but what was far more terrifying was the fact there was a sound emitting from the water. Instantly I froze, as though that would somehow save me. Somehow, though my madness, I identified the sound as the bubbling of water. I trembled at the thought of why it bubbled. It couldn't be, no, it just couldn't. I pushed myself slowly onto my knees, fighting every nerve in my body that screamed to me to run away. I slowly crawled over to the pool, the termers growing far more violent the closer I got. I forced my eyes to look at it, despite the fact I could hardly see from the force of my shaking. Instantly I convulsed. Regardless of the fact I no longer had tears to sob or any food to vomit my body made the motions.

Staring back at me was not my reflection.  I let out a long and painful scream. The scream calmed me just enough to notice one thing. Her mouth was tightly shut. The bubbles were coming from her arm, which was thrusting violently to my left. I turned and saw a sight so unexpected, and yet so clarifying. Standing right beside me was a single budding flower.

With the flower brought a sudden realization; an enlightenment of sorts. I accepted the fact that Blue was not my companion, but my subconscious. I was not strong enough to know everything so I repressed it. What I needed to know but refused to except Blue kept in her memory. Now that I knew this I knew I no longer needed Blue and all my thoughts slowly came back. Every day Blue would visit the pool she would watch the flower grow. It s growth was swift, but it was proof none the less. Life was beginning to form in this world, causing it to shatter. It showed that it was nearly my time to leave. This had caused Blue's happiness, but her sadness came from the fact that she would have to leave me. Proof was in her dilapidating strength. It wasn't the fact she was leaving, though, that caused her the sorrow, it was the fact she knew how I'd take it.

I knew I no longer needed my schizophrenic delusion, and I also knew what I must do. I came into this world through water, and that was how I had to leave it. I looked into the pool, but this time it was my reflection that gazed back. I saw the look of fear in my eyes, but my face looked strong and stern, betraying no hint of my madness beyond my ruffled hair and tear stains. The feat I had to do was terrifying, but it was my only way out. I couldn't stay in this world and expect myself to not live in daily agony. It wasn't Hell, but it sure would feel like it.

I stalled by removing my clothing. This act oddly seemed to help me, though. As I slowly removed each article of clothing I slowly came to terms with everything. I needed to die. It was my only escape, and it made prefect since. In order to leave this world I had to die once again or be reborn, and the only way to do either was to go out the way I came in. As I stood naked based the pool I took a deep breath.

The first step caused my toes to feel the icy pain. I ignored this and took the next steps quickly to avoid backing out. Once the water got up to my knees I felt the cold had numbed my feet, but the pain in my knees was intense. Still, I pressed onward. When the water reached up to my waist the pain was nearly unbearable, but adrenaline kicked in and I felt the strength to continue. I wasn't prepared for when the water was up to my chin, though. The pain was excruciating, and the cold so intense I was breathing in short gasps. I took a long breath, clamped my chattering mouth shut, and s**t my eyes. I made the last steps with as much dignity as a possibly could.

Once submerged, I opened my mouth and let the water in. The cold was nearly unbearable, but I knew it was necessary. I forced my head to remain under until a familiar peace came over me.

Instantly all my thoughts came flooding back. I had been a fifteen-year-old named Alice, and I was lonely. Despite all my friends and family I felt all alone in the world. I put on a mask and pretended to enjoy life, but every time I wasn't near them the feeling surfaced. It was as though I was distant no matter how close I got. The feeling was overwhelming and powerful. One cold winter night the loneliness climaxed. I had gone outside and sat on the dock. As I gazed at my reflection I felt a distance from myself. I tried to distort the image by wiping it away, but when it came back it was far worse. Unable to bare it any longer I took my only escape and plunged into the frigid water.


I awoke to see a man staring wildly into my eyes. I heard a beeping noise close by. It took me a few second to register I was in a hospital, but I didn't expect what happened next.

"She's alive!" The man shouted, causing a frenzy of people to rush toward me, but I ignored what they were doing and searched the crowd. Instantly I saw her familiar face and a huge grin spread across my face. I let the tears of joy flow, not caring that there were so many watching. I saw my mother burst into tears as she saw me and break into a run. By now the medical team had finished their task and let her hug me. I held her tightly to me as she kissed my face.

"What happened?" I asked as we parted.

"You fell of the dock and into the water, honey. Dad tired to revive you, but when the paramedics came they told us you'd probably die" My mom said, trying to hold back tears.

"It's a miracle you're alive." The doctor I saw when I awoke said. "It's been five months and we thought we lost you there, but suddenly you came back."

It all made sense. I had just died in the other world, so I died in this one. I had also been in a coma, hanging between life and death. Everything fit perfectly. Still, I allowed my mother and everyone else to think I fell in. No one needed to know of my insanity, or how I overcame it with more insanity. Somehow I knew I had entered my mind; that I had forced myself to see true loneliness so I'd realize the truth.


A few days passed and many visitors came. Family, friends, and even people who had only seen me once or twice came. The whole hospital and press knew me as the "miracle girl". I had apparently defied all their knowledge and somehow came back to life. I would need physical therapy to get my strength back, and I looked like a drained and tiny mess, but the point was I had somehow lived. Some used me as living proof of God's miracles, but in all honesty I don't know why I came back instead of dying. Either way, it made me appreciate life greatly.  

What bothered me, though, was the psychologist that came to see me. Apparently, she was convinced I killed myself despite all the nursing staff telling her it was impossible. They had seen patients who attempted suicide and none awoke as happy to be alive as I did. Still, she came daily. Somehow, though, she began describing her life to me. How her husband left her, she had no kids, and her family was far away. I knew she was a psychologist, but I also knew she needed help herself.

"Hey, what we see is confidential, right?" I asked.

"Unless you threaten to harm yourself or someone else, yes." She answered.

"Well, there's something you should know." I whispered. "I, too, felt alone like you do know, but I experienced loneliness you can't even image."

"What do you mean?" She asked, putting down her notebook and staring intently.

I knew she was begging me to say the words she already knew were true.

"You're never alone."

Author's Note

Eep, grammar again. D:

Reviews

[Anthony]

Haha, grammar and misspellings EVERYwhere. XD worse than the other one. But still makes for an excellent read.

Though it may seem odd, I again know how this feels like, not to this point, but in a way i know.

Excellent write.

[ICE]

I liked this story a whole lot. There were time where you could've phrased somethings better. Your grammer wasn't too bad, but you did have quite a few gramatical errors. I liked the concept of this story...the more I read it the clearer it became. Some of the conversations between Blue and Sky were a bit confusing because...it seems to me that at some point you might'veconfused them in the dialouge. Unless it was intentional because Blue and Sky are the same. If so Ignore what I said. Overall it was a nice piece of writing with a wonderful message .
~Ice