Lost

I feel abandoned by humanity. By human beings of all sorts. They betray me and misunderstand me. They cast me down as a black evil thing. As a piece of dirt to be trodden on. They see me only as someone to be used, to be hated, to be rejected. When I have given everything and have nothing left to give they keep coming back asking for more. I continue to try my hardest to stand up for good and no matter what maintain what is right and good. But I feel to people I am just not enough. That I will never be enough.

My one true love, broke my heart but I have been trying to trust that this is not the end for me and that we will both find our growth through this. That we will survive as we always have. I maintain that I pray he find true happiness and the same for me.

In the wake of this sorrow...I find myself questioning everything about this world. I feel the black death back again and again in my head. The thoughts of goodbye words I would write to my loved ones and even to him. Wondering if I was better to have bartered with the devil than with the heavens. I won’t turn back but I struggle to keep my faith.

My trust in human beings, my trust in anyone is perhaps damaged beyond my repair? I don’t know if I can ever love again like that. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m too damaged. On the one hand I think becoming empty and devoid of love would not suffice but I cannot change the ice that is forming around my heart. It feels better to feel nothing because the pain is too much. I can’t anymore.

All I want is to be heard. To be seen. So badly I long for this but when I am seen I am rejected. I am misunderstood. I am pushed away. I am told I am not enough or too much. To live my life I must wear a mask of being okay so that I won’t have to be rejected but I cannot live like this. I cannot. I feel like I’m drowning. And I while I know no one can save me but God I still need people’s help. Their kindness. Their understanding. Their forgiveness even if I have not done what a liar said I did. I just want to be loved. To be accepted for who I am. I feel like I cannot be myself and I would rather not be a part of humanity if I must be forced to wear a mask. To be rejected for being who I am.

What joy is there without Love? What hope is there without love? What passion is there without love? Love brings so much beauty and freedom. God is love. I cannot reject love without rejecting him. So I pray for the ice forming in me. I am powerless to change it. I am powerless to make myself heard, seen, known. I am lost and feel more pain than I can express with words.

On my knees I ask for guidance. I am lost.