Battle J.O.U.R.N.E.Y.

As the battle brews and you stand accused of recklessness and selfish regard. How does one find strength when your allies turn on you? 2007 Poem.

Battle journey...

Sitting here in this dark corner of my mind 

I’m savage in my evaluation of what’s to come

Of what is

And what was

Life is not a battlefield it’s a hit and miss 

With no exact starting point 

Or ending point really

At least to me

I’ve been brought to battle now

Gouge my skin away

Cleave the hairs on my thigh

Scatter my ash on your Filet Mignon

Dazzle your fancy lives with the bones of the fettered 

I know rambling it is a specialty of mine 

So yawn away

I don’t see things clearly

I make assumptions

Though I tend to deny it

I’m selfish, cruel and cold sometimes

Lately it’s become a habit of mine

Thoughts drift softly in my mind

Past breezy, summer days

Do I miss them sometimes?

Concepts vast and complex 

Places and People’s faces swim around the kaleidoscope of memories

Would I trade it all for Peace? 

Genius is hard to come by 

But am I just kidding myself?

Is this creative streak all in my head?

Am I really worth as much as a priceless heirloom or Grandmother?

How is worth determined?

By a measuring stick?

By one person’s perceptions versus another’s?

Look around I see nothing but material things and broken shards

Peer into my hideaway you’ll see a ravaged and desolate soul

All Shadows and liquid black within

Drifting away on this impediment that has become emotions

I cry out to God to save me

Me, the fool without a care

Or maybe a fool with far too much care for good

You can scoff at me but this is my resolution

I will stand up for what’s right

Sliding in and out from shade to sunlight

Silence the mind from this unwholesomeness

Tempting me from the path and making me see 

I am lost in this delusion that is life

Got to claw away out 

Take my time to free this scared child inside

Gothic bell tower tolling 

Sirens wail in my ear

I shriek away into my own little world

Japanese pop music roaring in the background

Animals on television 

Laptop in front of me

Navy sweatpants, Furry pillow

White gold band of silver ring and sterling

Flashes with light as my fingers stab the keys 

Leaving bloody streaks on my white page of life

Reckless fault of mine 

Am I so careless not to see this path is damaging?

Sweating when the music stops 

Pounding heart and mind

What can I do to this one-track marathon of mine

So many things left unsaid 

Got to find away out of this bush I’ve climbed into

I’ll look to another day 

Never mind the chickens eating scraps on TV

Or the ringing in my ears

Find the strength to stand upright and grab hold of the line just ahead

Find my strength and run as fast as I can beyond this hurt that I’ve caused myself

Myself

My fault

Mine alone

Of what was 

What is

What will be

God save me now

So much more 

To fight

Mine alone

So…much…more…to do…

Author's Note

This was written as a song of mine, April 14, 2007. I was in my first marriage and this was the second year. I was really struggling and felt like I was completely alone.