Saving Grace

A physical wound takes a lot of healing but it can't get better if the one person who should understand continues to violate that boundary.

You know my history. You know how much I’ve just been through. How hard I’m trying to seek healing and forgive the wrong doing against me. How far I've come. You've seen my pain written plainly on my face. 

Yet it seems you don’t think. Its a game to you or at least it seems that way. You just don’t know how much misery he put me through. The more you know the more you seem meaner. Try as I might you won’t hear me. 

I’ve tried. I’ve cried. Nothing I do or say gets through. The wall of stone is too thick and your too stuck in your own world to hear me, to understand my simple request. I spoke to you with honest words so that you may hear it and change your ways.

Instead you chose moments when I’m least expecting and touch my neck. It was a violated physical place. He took the safety from me. Only I get to say who touches my neck. You keep violating my boundary I’ve stated clearly to you. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of having flashbacks.

I’m tired of the pain that trails in my memories when you do that. Why won’t you just listen and stop doing it. Why can’t you see how much it triggers me? I want to forgive you. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t wanna worry when you’ll do it again. But it seems no matter how much I work on me you are the one violating a boundary with me.

I swore the next time to call you out on it. Instead you took me again by surprise only this time I jumped and said MOM loudly. You acted like it was no big deal. Like I was just being a brat and acting out and that you didn’t have to hold responsibility for what you just did right now.

No matter what I love you but you don’t get to violate my boundaries like you violate my need to privacy when I type and when I talk to my boyfriend. Which reminds me I never understand why our family has no doors on the rooms except mine. Why we don’t respect each other’s privacies and why you act like its normal to talk to someone when their showering or using the restroom. My own saving grace is my room has a door. That my restroom has a door. I have headphones and I got a car to leave. 

You violate not just my boundaries of physical but other ones too. This is about all of that. I want to forgive you but you keep doing it. I sometimes hate you. I sometimes wish I never had to see you again. I don’t mean it. But it hurts. You don’t understand how much it hurts me. 

To see you don’t care. You don’t understand and there is nothing I can do to make you understand. He took everything from me. A careless, cruel, evil person with no regard to my feelings and how to be a decent human being. I faced almost dying many times during the time I was with him.

Last night I told you he choked me twice and no more. I told you I stood up to him. You seemed to understand. You found compassion for once. Then today you put your finger on my neck and laughed. What cruelty is this that a mother would behave like this?

I’m tired. I’m drained. Nothing I say or do is ever enough. Nothing I try to make you see is changing this. I want to forgive. My whole being craves for something true, healthy. I don’t understand why you don’t want the same. 

It doesn’t seem normal to be this way. You may not be what I think I see. Perhaps I did get some of this wrong. If I so offend you I do not apologize. No, I really don’t. This is how I feel. This is what your doing. 

My goal was never to bash you. Only to sever this emotion from my being. Only to find a place of healing and peace. Somehow heal from the scars of the past and from what you continually do.

The next time...there won’t be a next time. You will find yourself in a situation you ought not to be. You asked for it just know it. I’ve tried to be still. I’ve prayed. I’ve talked. I’ve done all I can. Now what happens next is of your doing. If I end up punching you or screaming at you I shalt want that but it will be of your making. 

My right to my boundaries of my flesh is top priority. If you won’t respect it than I can’t respect you. I love you but this is it. It may be tomorrow. Later today. Sometime next week. Whenever it happens just know I’ve done all I can. There is nothing more I can do. I will pray again. I will try and speak with a councilor. That is all I can add. 

I pray you know what you have gotten yourself into. And I hope one day soon I can forgive you. I hope one day soon you will stop. You won’t do it anymore because the flashbacks I can’t do. I can’t.