Lake Lake

Sometimes what once brought you help becomes the demon you run from in the end. Only after much time and effort may the demon be addressed and the grace of God take its place.

Today I decided. It was the day to face it. 

I asked you to come along. You said you would.

Together we drove looking for a place.

Then on a chance turn we found a park.

I remember this place. As a kid I walked my dog.

I chased ducks and swans chased me.

We parked and I tucked the blade away.

Slowly we walked. You held my hand.

The wind was soft and the air crisp.

The leaves had fallen. I heard them crunch.

There was green everywhere. People walking.

Ahead I saw the destination. The sun was out.

Bugs flitted up from the grass. I found them gross.

Slowly I saw where I wanted to be. I left you behind me.

I sat near the edge of the lake. And I crossed my legs.

I told God my thoughts. I asked him to help me.

I asked for courage. For guidance. To take away the bad.

To take away my self-destructive need.

I spoke more quietly of my longing for love.

And I told him what I was after. I spoke of my fears.

Of not sure if I could let go of my past. I feared it.

I felt nothing but the warmth of the sun on my face.

Like God was touching me with it. And I felt only tender.

I felt his smile and his grace. The touch of forgiveness.

And I knew no matter what that this was the end.

There was no more blood. No more cuts. No more scars.

The pain. The addiction. It would be no more.

I said my final prayer before I called you over.

You sat beside me and I told you what was going on.

I showed you my blade. Ichi. My curse. My addiction.

My escape from hell but also my doom too.

You said little only listened. I snapped pictures.

I wanted to burn this in my mind forever.

You watched as I stood and I felt my knees weaken.

I couldn’t do this I was too weak but you were watching. 

God held me up and pushed me forward. I drew my hand back.

I imagined the blade would rust and fade one day. 

And with that I threw it. So little strength I had but it flew.

It flew into the lake and I watched it splash. With terror.

With remorse. With hope. With sorrow. With love. With life.

I looked up and I absorbed the lake. The birds and sunlight.

I felt free. There was a warm new skin that had formed.

In the wake of the nightmare wound only now sat new skin.

I was free at last. A part of me stayed at the lake. The bad part.

The part that wanted the blade back. And I was fine to leave.

I was fine to leave that me behind. And we talked and walked.

Somewhere we found time to sit and wait for awhile. 

That day the blooming trees I’d parked under sparked my eyes.

And I wondered what life would be like without the blade.

Now that I’d truly left that part of me behind. Was I truly free?

You looked at me with love. With adoration. With awe.

You said many things but of them all I remember one.

You said you saw a glorious thing that day. And it was amazing.

You felt touched to be there and to have shared in the moment.

Forever will I remember that day. The day I left my past behind.

The day Ichi left my grasp never to return.

 And I closed that door for good.

Author's Note

This is for him who sat with me. For those who need encouragement and to thank god for that moment.