Someone I can be Proud of

 People will hate you but how strong you stand is what makes you.

I want to be a woman that can say despite it all... 

Despite...

The pain, the madness, the suffering, 

the darkness of my impulses, the despair,

the anger, the hate, the emptiness, the indifference.

That somehow despite it all that I stood up!

I said no I will not lay down and die!

That even when all of my being craved death...

That by God’s grace and his strength I smiled.

I said no I will not die. I will not accept this.

Call me a million things but I am not that. 

I refuse your labeling, your damnation and taunting. 

I have lived and I have made may mistakes.

I am human. It does not excuse it.

But I will not live as though I am a mat to be stepped on. 

A door to be slammed. 

A paper to be shredded. 

A light to be put out. 

I have erred and surely I will err again. 

But because I have erred I will change and grow. 

I admit this willingly. 

I never pretended to be anything but human. 

The truth speaks for itself.

You may chose to accept it or not. 

I am a earnest human being. 

Who pretends to be nothing but messed up.

Who is struggling to find truth in life.

 I shall not bend for you or anyone.

I will be only what God has asked of me.

Nothing more can I be!

For I am a simple being with lots of love.

I own my true mistakes. 

Not the ones you say I did.

Like badges on a suit.

Cookies in a jar.

Scars on my face.

I accept my faults. Many they be.

I regret only that I didn’t know.

So now here I am.

When truth and lies collide.

What will you do when lies...

Well they are shed away?

Life gets heavy. People die.

Death is final. And you are pointing at me.

So busy you are with lies you think truth.

You don’t see the real me. Don’t even try.

I want to be a woman I can be proud of.

That my kids one day will be proud of.

Children that I don’t have but hope one day to.

I will sit back in a rocking chair. It will be wooden.

They will ask about why I stood up.

I will say because courage takes a step.

When I feared I was a coward. God said stand up.

Dice rolled not in my favor.

Holes in my socks.

Water on the floor.

No change to spare.

And despite it all I endured.

Endurance. Courage. Honor. Truth. Love.

All of these things I wish upon you.

Upon your children.

Upon your husbands and wives.

Upon yourselves. And upon your kin.

So that they may see that it is truly daring.

To chose to live despite mistakes. Despite pain.

Despite what others think of you. Approval is nothing.

It is there for a moment and gone the next. 

People are fallible. So look not on them. 

This is what I want to be as a woman.

And I’d still want it if I was a man.

And this is what I wish for you!