Through the Fire

Story of my Life. A visercal journey from my first love until now.

What I am and what was I and what will I be? The convection and convolutions of this world. I am sweltering in this damnation I sense from others. The heat is turning up and I’m only getting hotter. I stare out across the pathway...like neurons riding a stormy branch in the brain and I ponder life and where I’m going and where I’ve been. 

For moment I could see the possibilities and the sense of my past. Why I suffered so much at the hands of one human being. A man. A monster. The demon. My heart beats rapidly and I run my tongue over my teeth, the taste of ribs still in my mouth.

What have I done to become the villain? I am by far not very capable of harming...though I certainly know what harm feels like. The threads of my tattered canvas sway in the wind and I remember the times I was whipped. The times I cried myself to sleep. The times his words, the monster’s, bulleted me in the chest as I sat on a ledge teetering, wishing I was somewhere else, someone else. I remember the times my white canvas was violated and I was denied the very things I longed for...love, respect, compassion.

To survive I went through the web. In my mind I could fall away from it all. I could fly. I could smile. I could laugh. The darkness surrounded me but I was suddenly in Fantasyland. The preceding days grew only darker until time stopped and he said those bitter words. Static through the phone lines and his cold, calculating responses ripped through my heart which had just shreds left.

Finally ALIVE I felt. My broken heart beat! As I flu down the highway, cat in the back screaming like a banshee. Then I broke. My shreds broke like glass and I was fading. Death surrounded me and the thought of a blade against my skin, the rippling red glory of my life blood spilling against the earth more appealing than the hell I found myself in.

I could not see the future. I knew only I was lost in darkness and there was no escape. The monster had put me through more than any had ever done to me and in the end I was ready to end it. My innocence lost, my heart broken, my soul breaking. Then on that fateful night God was with me. He sat beside me and held me. I breathed in and out and I put the knife down. I looked up at him and demanded something. Though I could scarce figure out what it was I wanted to demand. The silence stretched on that quiet, cool night.

And I saw a glimmer. I spark. And I cried. There was hope. It began. I struggled as I clawed my way up until I hit the plateau. God was with me but I had allowed him to work in me enough, I was done or so I thought.

I flaunted and bragged. I danced. I partied. I drank. I grew powerful in my sex. I was female. Hear me roar! And I met him. That charm and smile. I knew it was not meant to be but he offered hope an aspect...I believed in something other than me. I stood beside him but a flash from the side made me question things. 

I was confused. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? God won’t you answer me? Stood beside and beyond and above and the answers never came. Then the dream prophetic and clear but the meaning unknown to me. So I stayed to the path. I remained faithful and honest. I let the flash subside. Suddenly violent the art, the chaos life became. Where and when did I go wrong? I could not see or foresee events as they came along. 

Suddenly the atmosphere filled with Music. God spoke to me. And I felt the rage, I felt the emotions and I suddenly saw where I was going wrong and I begged him to help me. I knelt at the grave and I prayed that whatever my purpose be that he make use of me because this world was cruel and dark. My prayers floated above me and God was there. In that moment I swore to give up my ego and my pride. To be a new canvas. Paint of me as you will I asked.

But still I was on the path. Charm sometimes ahead, sometimes behind...sometimes gone. I saw not what was to come. I could not think of it. Then Spring came and with it the fire. And on a quiet day after many fears and many thoughts...the charm spoke and wounds opened up pouring and gushing. 

For many nights I saw darkness again to a lesser degree. Though the web was gone. No more Fantasyland to free me. And God sat with me. He said my pride was a weakness. My stubbornness my wound. I contemplated and I begged for freedom from charm and the list of desirable. I begged for an end to this all. At the foot of my bed, God said no. And I wished to grow so I stayed.

Those weeks as I sat on my rock and I gazed over the past and the future. As I watched, listened, learned...I saw a path open...and I feared it with all my heart then God shoved me down it. He took my choice from me and I gasped as the decision came and I was unable to go back against it.

More static and another phone. Fearful as I was, I spoke true and I prayed for hope and wished the best of charm who later I realized was actually broken.  As I healed I sat with God and wished only for knowledge, purpose...I betrayed myself in the past and I feared to do it again. I had taken a path towards what I knew, towards a charm, to only find myself captured again in the web for a time. Lost again to the void and falling prey to the dark desires and impulses of this world.

I sat in my room and asked myself hard questions. I grilled my fibers of my being. Demanding knowledge, truth, love, compassion, grace. God sat with me and he judged not. I remained in his arms until I grew haunty and disobedient. He let me go and watched. 

As I scrambled for a bit up a river bed, the path I had avoided suddenly met me. The glow, the flash. Confused for a moment I was stunned and I saw God smile. Fear gripped me as the apex moment of knowing the path I’d avoided was now thrust upon me. I took some time to demand knowledge of myself. To know if I’d gone wrong. To see where my faults lie and what truly was the shards embedded in my flesh. To ask of myself the truth did I allow myself to become a betrayer? Many days I grew angry with myself...and God silenced me. He held me again and told me the truth. I was weakened but betrayal was not my name.

God walked me along the beach and when I growled at him, he knocked me to my knees. He said stay. I was a fighter it took several more times of knocking the wind from me before the newness as if I was suddenly awakening again...where’s I was alive before suddenly I was more than alive...I was awake!

The flash and I met at the beach. God standing beside us and God continued keeping his hand on me...pressing me to my knees and pressing the flash to his knees. We gazed up at him and begged the questions asking and asking.

God smiled and said stay the course. Together we looked up before back down to one another. Fearful but true we joined hand in hand and prayed. And the slow rise begins where it leads is unknown. Only that God brought me here...and here I am. The worst in my life happened with the monster. The charm who was really broken to begin with was only a puzzle piece, a mystery of God’s design. To what I can not know the purpose. And now the flash...a possibility that frightens, amazes and swoons me.

Wish I do for the knowledge of God’s design. The tests he forces me to face at times. I gather only to venture beyond God’s grasp would spell disaster. So I remain hand in hand with the flash, God’s hand on my shoulder...and when I need God forces me to my knees...even to tasting sand if need be. 

I shalt NOT go back to the web and the darkness. Whatever future there is...I am here make use of me God.