Trapped

I've spent countless years

Wasting all of my tears

In the darkness of my abyss

There's always something amiss

I've taken many pills

I've gotten very ill

In my head I am weak

I watch my energy deplete

Months go by and I don't even notice

I've been entrapped by my own hypnosis

I have a faith that I've left unfulfilled 

And a thirst that continuously rebuilds

I'm sorry that I stopped taking my pills

I'm sorry that I've gotten this ill

The pills were a lie 

They made me obliviously defy

The one thing that gave me hope

Now I've nothing to do but mope

I feel immense guilt everyday

For the things I wish I could say

But I've already retracted so far

I didn't have a chance from the start

I mourn what I've lost

I ask God what it will cost

To be in control again

Just like I was back then

Who am I really?

I question my morality

Am I deserving of this life?

Or am I deserving of the knife?

I don't want to die

I want to regain stability

To say I think I can would be a lie

I'm tired of my inability

I want to earn my place on this earth

I want to actually have worth

But it's all been flushed down the drain

I just lay in my bed like a stain

My parents must think I have no place

They must think I just take up space

My son must think his grandma is his mom

And it crushes me so, I feel like everything is gone

I'm not in control

SHE is

She's taken and stole

What's left of me as a whole

I wish I could fight back

I wish I didn't lack

I have potential but I show none

I want to be someone 

There's a stronger part of me

Aching to be free

To finally come out

And be a part of the crowd

But I'm stuck with myself

As I am right now

I haven't truly found the light

I'd have to put up quite a fight

I am my own worst enemy

It's clear as day for anyone to see

How I live should be a crime

I know I'm running out of time

So please don't be like me

Please try to set yourself free

I don't wish this on anyone

And god I hope it doesn't happen to my son

Author's Note

just a vent