The Monster

 

The Monster

A poem by Kristen Currie

 

He wanted me under any terms

Searched me out, cautiously probing

scheming against my innocence

He lived where I lived

Behind closed doors, under suspicious noses

Behind the scenes, maybe

But he lived…

Calling

Cajoling

Pleading

Begging

The invitation stood

For whenever

I needed him                     He

Promised to be my

Eternal friend,

a pick me-up like no other

 

Bone white fingers, reached

With no shame, tempting, teasing

It was difficult to

Keep a relationship built on

Trust

Honor

Faith

Love?

When he was so charming

A gentleman who

Knew exactly what I wanted

He knocked politely at my door

Sweetly coercing, and then

Pounding, smashing it to splinters

But he apologized.

So I listened, riveted

By every word he    Said

 

Treasures lined my shelves

Spoils of war, petty trinkets

I later learned

There were prices to pay for

Sticky fingers,

It was naivety that made it easy to

Stop

Listen

Unwind

Expose

Myself to his skillful touch

His masterful teachings

And for the first time         Relax

Into someone else’s care         

 

His hunger was insatiable

Eyes followed me

Burning

Watching

Undressing

Degrading

Already deciding how best to

violate my body, claim it for his own

I couldn’t back up

Couldn’t stop now                                        So

I gave up, gave in

Let it happen and reveled

In the sin of it

 

I was in love, free-falling

Off cliffs, diving into black

Water, suspended in an

Ultra-sonic

Technicolored

Razzle-dazzled

Impersonation

Of life and once he had me

We both knew         I

Would never wander off

I would never stray far from him

 

My very first time left me breathless

Edgy, and wild-eyed and

Hungry

Starving

Ravenous

Greedy

For more than one taste

I called to him, offered myself

Bending me to his will, he  Took

More and more, leaving me

Pathetically following behind him

…until the next time

 

I didn’t care, had no shame

willing to do anything, even dying

Seemed like such a small price

Dirty

Scared

Small

Lifeless

Except when he came around

My meetings with him left me

Bold and powerful, alive with                         A

Wonderful sense of freedom

I was living in a squalor

Fit for a King

 

The power he gave me

I came back again and again

Flying

Floating

Finally

Falling

Who knew? I was tumbling

Head-first into a sweet oblivion

That threatened to

Consume all that defined me

I was in way too     Deep

And wasn’t even trying

To claw my way out

Yet…

 

He had me by the nape

Of my neck, scolding

When I stayed away too long

Praising me when I came

Crawling in every hour, giving

Pleasure

Pain

Ecstasy

Torture

But weren’t they the same?

I couldn’t tell, gasping for                              Breath

I desperately struggled to bed

Wondering what I did to

Deserve it, and was rewarded with

A pat on the head

And a kick in the gut

 

He called me back to him

Promising never to hurt me

Again, assuring me his wrath

Was appeased by my

Obedience

Loyalty

Devotion

Slavery

But behind those sugared words

My conscience sobbed and died,

his greed magnified, mushrooming into mountains

Frantic for one more session

I heeded his voice, tail

Tucked between my legs, eyes

Wary- but oh so eager                                And

Ready to prove myself

 

Our love affair was violent

He drew me in, sending me away with

Treasures

Riches

Imitations

Nothing

I bowed at his feet, overcome

With my need to have him

A need that blinded me,                                Shook

Me to my very core

I was confused, where was the

Gentleman? The savior who had

So sweetly promised me the

World?

 

Him from me. Me from him.

It became impossible to tell where I

Belonged

Began

Stopped

Ended

Which part was me

And which was him, my eyes saw

What he saw. Holding                                   Hands

(Which was mine I didn’t care)

He led me in whichever

Direction he favored and most of

the time he favored

D

O

W

N

 

Rock bottom had me

Trying to claw my way back

To the top of the well, that perfect circle

Of golden light,

Already half a million lifetimes away

Climbing

Half-way

Falling

Failing

And he always caught me

Rocked me to sleep, bandaged my

Bleeding knuckles, sliced fingers

Replacing external wounds                                     With

internal ones

I was worthless, a multitude of

interchangeable orifices

To be used with indiscretion

And I liked it

 

Sleep came rarely, most of the time

I was soaring with him,

Keeping company with skeletal lines,

jaundice yellow wicked breezes

Through my nose, my mouth

Through every pore

Indifferent to the calls from below, their

Noise

Interference

Alarm

Concern

Swept through me without lingering

In one sugar-slicked ear, and out                            The

Other.

I pitied them for not knowing

Him as I did, intimately, expertly

Fatally

 

The slightest touch could knock me down

One small gust of uncertainty,

I was balanced on the edge

Loving

Hating

Slipping

Tipping

Waiting for the newest accusation

To deny

Waiting for the newest hand

To refuse

I was careening, slowly coming undone

bouncing back and forth

And losing ground each time I returned

Wondering how on Earth my sweet

Talking gentleman had become the                         Monster