So apparently my first poem got quite a few positive reviews, so i thought i might try another to see if it was just luck that the first was good. Anyways, this is a poem about the mental tormentation (that's a word, right?) going on inside someone. It's also going to be my first contest submission so wish me luck! Please enjoy and don't forget to comment and rate! I feel like I'm missing something or one of the lines isn't quite right, but I can't put my finger on it. If one of you peoples do, it would be greatly appreciated if you could point it out so that I can fix it ASAP.
My Review
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I don't know about what you mean by missing but it's vague. Fear, darkness and sadness aren't sins and since you didn't hint what the sins are, it's very much open to imagination(not interpretation) and if you had any in mind while writing the poem, I would suggest slight hinting of them in an added verse or verses.
I would suggest you remove the 'and' before 'forever isolated' and change 'sins' to 'sin' in the line 'within these empty walls of sins'. For better flow, other than that, it's beautiful. You should definitely keep writing. Cheers.
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Well I wasn't sure what it was that I thought was missing. My friend actually helped me out /w that... read moreWell I wasn't sure what it was that I thought was missing. My friend actually helped me out /w that. And i know that they aren't sins, but that was the most emotional word that I could think of at the time, and it just sort of stuck. And thank you for the critiques! I'll try to think about how to apply them to my piece.
Aww thank you! I feel so honored! (although what does adding to a library do? I never quite figured .. read moreAww thank you! I feel so honored! (although what does adding to a library do? I never quite figured it out.)
9 Years Ago
It means that you like the poem that much that you want to add it to the library ( a number of writi.. read moreIt means that you like the poem that much that you want to add it to the library ( a number of writings that you might want to reread.)
well.. i don't see anything wrong with it. i wrote, and read tons of poetry, in the past seven-eight months. I'd say this one is a beautiful demonstration of dark poetry. nicely done.
i give maximum rating :)
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it. I know that i can sometimes be a it harsh towards m.. read moreThank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it. I know that i can sometimes be a it harsh towards my own writings, so when positive reviews start coming in, it really makes me happy.
It is plain to see you have a philosophical mind as well as a knowledge of words and their usage. I also enjoy the dark nature of your poem, if you have never known pain how can you really appreciate pleasure? Bravo! I look forward to reading more of your work :~)
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thanks! I'll definitely try to keep posting if I can find the time.
This is very darkly-beautiful in a way. I couldn't find anything wrong, not all poems have to be the same or follow some kind of rules, though I really liked the structure you used in the first verse. It has a good flow and sounds great out loud. Good job!
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
I'm glad you felt that way. This was my first try at a dark piece and only my second poem, and judgi.. read moreI'm glad you felt that way. This was my first try at a dark piece and only my second poem, and judging from the comments, it turned out pretty good.
The poem took the reader to deep thoughts and places.
"Drunk with the insanity
Obsessed with the madness
And forever isolated
within these empty walls of sins"
I liked the above lines. Insanity, madness and sin. Good place to create a story for the ages. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
I really liked those lines as well. Inspiration strikes me at strange times, and sometimes it can re.. read moreI really liked those lines as well. Inspiration strikes me at strange times, and sometimes it can reveal something that i find pretty cool. Thank you for reviewing!
So, I haven't been writing for very long, but I definitely hope to improve. I prefer to do stories and novels, however my main purpose here is to work on my poetry. Other than writing, I love reading .. more..