The Sins of Myself

The fear

The darkness

The overwhelming sadness

These were the sins that led to my downfall

The sins that led to my end

I was devoured by the shadows

scattered by the wind

Drunk with the insanity

Obsessed with the madness

And forever isolated

within these empty walls of sin

Author's Note

So apparently my first poem got quite a few positive reviews, so i thought i might try another to see if it was just luck that the first was good. Anyways, this is a poem about the mental tormentation (that's a word, right?) going on inside someone. It's also going to be my first contest submission so wish me luck! Please enjoy and don't forget to comment and rate! I feel like I'm missing something or one of the lines isn't quite right, but I can't put my finger on it. If one of you peoples do, it would be greatly appreciated if you could point it out so that I can fix it ASAP.

Reviews

[Eliot Knight]

I don't know about what you mean by missing but it's vague. Fear, darkness and sadness aren't sins and since you didn't hint what the sins are, it's very much open to imagination(not interpretation) and if you had any in mind while writing the poem, I would suggest slight hinting of them in an added verse or verses.
I would suggest you remove the 'and' before 'forever isolated' and change 'sins' to 'sin' in the line 'within these empty walls of sins'. For better flow, other than that, it's beautiful. You should definitely keep writing. Cheers.

[Rachel McLean]

Well I wasn't sure what it was that I thought was missing. My friend actually helped me out /w that. And i know that they aren't sins, but that was the most emotional word that I could think of at the time, and it just sort of stuck. And thank you for the critiques! I'll try to think about how to apply them to my piece.

[Eliot Knight]

Your welcome!

[Pete]

this is so raw but beautifully expressed. we all struggle with regrets and you've captured it so well. we can all relate. great imagery.

[Anindita Janhabee]

The 11 lines led to 1100 thoughts of mine...
really wonderful to read this poem,
only 11 lines speak the complete sins,
well, i'm a bit late to wish luck and also to welcome you here, but still; its not my sin!!
i think we are of same age as i'm also a student of high school, grade 10, so basically, we can be friends without any formality of requests right??
anyway, i enjoyed your poem a lot with complete sentiments...
well done, keep writing in order to improve as i started writing poems at the age of 11 and continue till now... I found a great difference in my writing at the age of 11 and now, 15.
all the best for more writings!! i would be glad if you check out mine too...
Anindita

[Rachel McLean]

Thanks! I always appreciate a new review. And it's nice meeting another writer close to my age. I'd love to be friends, and I'll be sure to check out some of your writing :)

[sinNsincerity]

I like the antithesis of being within emptiness!

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

You have described the feelings in a very strong way. Most of us get lost into the darkness of our own sin. But remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep Walking, Keep Writing! I really like the read :)

[Alias]

this is fantastic, speechless, this is perfect. I feel this poem, it perfectly describes my actions that I've never been able to articulate.
You should definitely keep at the poetry, this is really well written and thought out.

[Imperfection2aT]

I think you've done really well with this poem. The vagueness of your words really portrays the mental decay that the narrator is feeling. Great job!

[Insight "MH"]

Nicely written! The imagery is sublime, which shows how great your mind is.


Insight.

[Sally Hope]

I loved this, and I think it's fine just the way it is. What you said is true: Our own fears will be our downfall. Since this poem is quite good, I can assure you it wasn't just luck your first piece got positive reviews. Keep writing, keep posting :)

[nightshade]

really liked this poem but I feel like to get your point out it needs to be longer and for you to elaborate and explain yourself more