gone && memoirs of a murderer.

Love is a funny thing.

It sweeps you off your feet. It sweeps out your insides. It sweeps away everything else, whether you like it or not.

Falling in love is similar to falling into a cloud.

At first, it's not scary. Rather the opposite. It's beautiful. You're up high, with billowing pushes and pulls of gorgeous white surrounding you. At first, it's the most amazing thing you could ever think of.

You could ever feel.

You collide with a beautiful array of a winter wonderland: a world of soft, divine dreams. An end to your hardships. Suddenly anything is possible. Suddenly, everything is possible.

But then, you keep falling.

You don't realize it at first. Your vision, your heart, your life- it's laden with the fabric of glee and carelessness and no problems at all. And then it starts to thin. Things are still bright, though; they're still amazing.

But then, all of the sudden, out of nowhere, they get worse.

Maybe a wistful glance from Him, maybe a little less comfort of the downy mattress of sky pressing against you. Maybe a sour word or two, maybe a dark hole plummeting you deeper into that white snowy world.

And then it's all blue.

And you realize you're going down.

It’s mesmerizing. It’s beautiful. It’s heartbreakingly sad.

But you're falling.

Not in love.

Not out of love.

Away from love.

So you curse the cloud and its illusions, you curse the world and its misery, and you curse Him. You curse Him with everything you have. You say things that shouldn't be said.

And then He's gone.

And you realize it's all your fault.

You wanted this.

So why does looking at His body, dead, limbs splayed out on either side, torn off, make you sick? Why do the writhing white demons that overtake His carcass make you angry? Why do His glassy, beautiful eyes that no longer see make you want to cry?

You wanted this.

I wanted this.

And yet, standing there, looking at Him, in a pool of blood and sorrow, I could not feel one pang of satisfaction. I couldn't feel anything. Life is bittersweet. I had gotten my wish.

I wanted this.

And now He's gone.