I Am An Anathema

Shouting until the echoes
Become hoarse and coarse
In my acid filled throat
The heaviness is unbearable
And tearing me down
I breathe, think, feel
Heavy.
Pounding head, nausea
All feelings I’d sooner like to forget
Love to forget.

And to think
When I was gone inside myself
So many times ago
How I felt never faltered
And it still hasn’t
I just have another feeling
Now.
One that is a little stronger
But, after all, I am impulsive
And I retch, love, buy, feel impulsively

Obsessively, unwanted
Just as a passionflower
Bloom, one day, die at the end
Although, it restarts
And re-tortures me each and
Every day
I can’t turn this off
No matter how I etch the
Regrets of my love
From heart to body

Never. NEVER have I doubted
What I felt
I put myself on automaton
Just so I could numb the malaise
In a trance, my life became
So wrapped around one simple
Substance. You.
I morphed the emotions
To be more acceptable
Must everything I feel be two?

Insubordinate
Odium, to the point of
Near auto phobia
Yes, self-afflicted
Believed to be from others
As well, although
My facts aren’t always straight
And neither is my repugnant mind
I loved, love, and will continue to
Plague myself with this guilt, doubt, and love