LoveHate

Sitting here thinking of how simple things were; it makes me chuckle. I can’t help but smile when I think of how much I love hate life. No, that’s not a typo. I love hate so many things. And I do not understand how such a contradiction could exist. I love hate life.
   I love hate her,
   I love hate him,
   I love hate you.
   I smile and get a headache because I want to cry. And yet, somehow I cannot. I am incapable of crying. Did I tell you that yet? I just thought I’d let you know. Since I won’t be here much longer, I figured I might as well come clean about some things.
   I wish… I wish there was some sort of invention out there, one that could transfer all my emotions, thoughts, and feelings straight to a disk which you could then play and instantly feel and hear all of them. But then you could quickly turn it off if need be.
   I would never want you to suffer, only understand. Because I always screw it up with my big fat mouth. I never say the right things when it comes to how I feel.
   That’s why I generally try to avoid things like this. But… I thought I shouldn’t leave you without a clue.  
   What a rant this is going to be. And if I could, I would write this a million times over and send them all to you because such a machine, in fact, does not exist therefore I cannot express what is necessary to say perfectly like I’d love hate to achieve.
   Perfection. Something I strive to attain, impulsively so.
   Considering I lose sight eventually and am tumbled into a dark suppressing hole which I can’t seem to find my way out of.
   I love you impulsively too.
   Both of you.
   Sadly, I am now strewn about inside myself. Mildly confused? Yes, you could say that.
   Because I honestly do not know why I am here. And yet, as impulse explains to me once again, I love things.
   Until I hate myself more.
   And once this occurs, all hope of the once-love is lost. Hopelessly, helplessly lost. Unattainable, until my laid-back nature forgets and attempts to forgive and bear all the burdens of everyone else.
   I would take all the pain in the world with me, on my way down. I’m going soon. I can’t believe the time.
   It’s gotten me so far, and yet I somehow feel incomplete. I’m missing something and I wish I could solve the mystery for I, well, you know.
   And oftentimes I find myself wondering why people can’t love everything and everyone. I wish you the best. The bluest most fluffy-cloud-filled skies. And, of course, the warmest purple-crystal rain to fall only when you find it most aesthetically pleasing.
   Because if I could take all of the pain you’ve ever had with me, I would live as the pain embodied. I would take the torture.
   Because I don’t love hate you.
   I love you.