All in good time

I dunno know

It's a weird thought to have, while I'm inside my flat, contemplating on life.

As a 9th grader in high school, I supposed I should be going out with friends, sneaking out at night to party. But that's not it. Right now, I hate everyone, and for once I have no idea why. Probably because almost every person around me, vain and conceited, trying to fit in with the it crowd, some of them trying to be misfits. Most of them wanted the same things. 

Money, superiority, knowledge, and popularity.

I already have all of those and probably even more, but it never helped me in life. I have adapted into such a dull and soulless life, still I have- and wanted- no personal gain out of it. I have adapted to a house of madness -my own.

Maybe if I didn't fall in love, maybe- just maybe I would've been enjoying the high school life. But no. I couldn't. Not anymore.

Love is stupid, and all that there is.

I have seen the effects of love, and I have forbidden myself from such dull fantasies. Only my own ethereal madness is the only love I'll let myself embrace.

I am- but a cruel, cold guy in this vain and malicious world. I am also a cynic, and I have lost faith in humanity due to the little things, like how all of them wanted the same things, and I am not going to deny those small facts.

I am this because I don't expect nothing out of anyone, and I expect them to expect nothing of me. It's my duty to make people think the worst of me.

I'm so lost in my own little world, I feel like I'm ready to die, and that's my life in a nutshell, just waiting for my time. But I guess if she was still alive she wouldn't want that.

I can still recall that time back at the hospital room.

It was quiet, just the buzz of the machines and the slow, steady beep beeps of her heart on the monitor. I took hold of her hand, because I know there will come a time where I wont be able to cling onto her. She was breathing calmly, while I barely was.

"Hi." She said softly.

"Hey." I responded. 

I was looking deep into her blue eyes, looking for that certain fear. The fear of death. The fear of losing someone dear. But it wasn't there, it was filled with hope. Her hazel eyes said it all. She was fighting. And she wasn't going to give up just yet.

I took hold of her hand, and started to sing that song she loved.

"I promise that one day, I'll be around I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you sound.

Right now it's pretty crazy, and I don't know how to stop or slow it down.

Hey, I know there are some things we need to talk about.

And I can't stay, just let me hold you for a little longer now.

Take, a piece of my heart, and make it all your own, so when we are apart, you'll never be alone.

You'll never be alone.

When you miss me close your eyes, I may be far but never gone.

When you fall asleep tonight, just remember that we lay under the same stars."

"I can't do all of those things with you, you do realize that right?" She said softly, facing the sheets trying to stop the tears that were trying to force themselves out.

"Why." I asked, my heart shattering.

"Because I'll be gone, before the stars even show." She choked on her words, and it shattered my heart to see how hard it was for her to get the words out.

Once she said those 8 words, it finally sank in. The reality of it all sank in. 

"You don't have to stick with me. Because I know that one day, there wont even be a 'me'. I don't know when, it might be in the next twenty-four hours or the next two to four years. I don't know and I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry." She confessed, tears streaming down her face.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I won't leave, you know. You're all that I want now, and you'll all that I want in the future, and I know that after you're gone, I will miss you every single day. So please, please, these last seconds are all we have. So let's not make it sad, okay?"

I moved closer to her, our face just a few inches apart.

"I have all the time left in the world to be sad about losing you." I whispered.

"I love you." She said.

"I love you too." I replied, before kissing her.

That was that night I last saw her, saw her breathing, saw her being alive, saw here fighting, she tried and so did I. But the thought of her leaving me was too much for me to handle. 

And it was the great and horrible truth that I feared to believe.

Only now have I just realized that love is erratic, just like life. You don't know what comes next, you breathe air like love, you consume it naturally, but in a way that's ineffable. You can't explain, can't deeply understand, the feelings that appear. You just do it, you follow the path that doesn't have a necessary reason to end. 

People think love is the most strong and powerful emotion in the world. But what they don't know is that love is filled with fear. 

Fear of something going wrong, fear of someone cheating,

Fear of someone getting hurt, fear of someone getting into fights.

With each love that's found, comes another fear. 

Fear overcomes love and that's what I have noticed.

Remembering her shattered my heart, and only now have I realized that I have tear stained cheeks, and red puffy eyes. 

If only I knew, maybe I could've done something.

But it was too soon, and I was too late.

I chuckled, knowing that it's been years since she died, but my world still revolves around her, just the thought of her smiling makes me feel unstable. This is my life without her. 

I think that without her with me, I'm gone. I'll probably disappear for do long that I might just adapt to the whole controversy of it all. But at the end of the day. I'm still here, hating on people, trying to study hard for my future. 

To be honest, I have never felt love ever since she died. And, I guess that's what I want. I was fooled by my own vanity, and so here I am.

I'm still own, and I want to keep it that way. Because, I know that my emotions would get in my way of life, and so, I have masterminded life itself. 

The idea of love scares me to death, it always have. So I built myself walls, which I built brick by brick over the years.

I feel so superior to those people around me because I feel like I'm too cynical to see what they couldn't. 

My life is nothing without her. There was not a single thing special about her, not like we've been together for years or anything. She was just there, and I couldn't stop thinking of her. Maybe that's how love works. Unpredictable.

I haven't accepted her death, but I have moved on. I pulled myself together, and I am in a good university, excellent grades, a few acquaintances, if she was here, it would be better. 

It's not going to be now, it's not going to be when you think it is, it comes in all good time.

I walked over the window and opened the blinds, the sun immediately shooting ultraviolet rays through the glass window directly at my fragile irises. I blinked a few times before my eyes re-adjusted from the brightness. 

As I regained vision, I looked over the scenery, the white sandy beach, the crystal clear waters, sapphires at the rear end. She would've loved it here.

I glanced at the picture of me and her, and thought of everything we could've been.

Author's Note

I SUCK AT WRITING BYE.

Reviews

[AE]

Well... you don't suck. You have courage because posting this up here is opening a way for criticism, constructive criticism, so you can get better. It can use a crap ton of work, but it doesn't really suck. It's actually a pretty good basis for an interesting story. I like how you don't know any of the character's names, shows how guarded he is, he's too cynical to disclose that kind of information. It works.

"But it was too soon, and I was too late." Love this line by the way.

It starts off with him being a ninth grader in high school "As a 9th grader in high school, I supposed I should be going out with friends," but then in the end it says this, "I am in a good university, excellent grades, a few acquaintances." What? I thought he was just remembering stuff. Did time suddenly pass? Do you want him to be a freshman in highschool? I'd be very interested to see how that works out. Do you want to make him a college student? That'd probably be more appropriate for the tone that was set.

I started noticing that the character wasn't really a 14 year old boy when he started talking about his girlfriend as if she died forever ago and then he says, "not like we've been together for years or anything." How'd he get so attached so quickly? How long did he actually know the girl? Was he friends with her before?

Your character has the tendency to describe himself a lot. I know it's a monologue, but his personality should mostly be shown through how he talks and what he talks about. For example it wasn't completely necessary to write that he was a cynic. All the things he said about losing faith in humanity shows us that he is cynical.

This line here, "I feel so superior to those people around me because I feel like I'm too cynical to see what they couldn't," doesn't really make sense to me. I understand that he thinks he's better, so he's contemptuous, but it doesn't really need to be said. This makes him seem arrogant, but that doesn't make sense because he's also self loathing. If it's really so deeply rooted in his personality, then it should show through.

Then there's the cynic thing again. The way he states it makes it sound like it's really something he hates about himself, saying he's, "Too cynical to see what they can't." Does he wish to not see the world the way he does? Does he wish to see it in a brighter light? Is this the direction you were trying to take it in, because if it is, I like it. It just needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

Overall, this was an interesting read. Just keep working at it.

AE

[unprcdictablw]

thanks for pointing out most of the mistakes I made, I'll change it soon enough, and I loved that line as well, thanks again