![]() From Conception to FailureA Story by zach lyons![]() My autobiography.![]() “From Conception to Failure”
An autobiography by ZACHARY LYONS
I started out as most of us do, except the Christ and the holy figures among us of course, as a sperm inside my dear papa’s testies. See in my mind my first real challenge was to fight through all the other thousands of sperm to be that lucky productive liquid to fertilize my mother’s egg. Now that’s a true accomplishment! In a way you could say I was a success story even at the beginning of my existence. Actually before we start this story I’d like to apologize, cause you see I already lied… I’m not really the success story I claimed to be. In fact, for the most part I’m what most people would call an “under- achiever.” With that out of the way lets let this tale unfold, this is my life from conception to failure. PART 1 – Destined to be a retard or a child prodigy?
Even as a child I tended to stray away from the bland things in life. I wasn’t the kind of kid to be amused by things as bland and simple as balls and bats. For me any thing fantasy related was right up my alley. (i.e. Star Wars, Pokemon, Digimon, the works.) You see while my sports fanatic dad would attempt to make an athlete out of me I would simply run around pretending to be a number of things and I would usually avoid the ball because, you know, it represented the bland. Family has and most likely will always play a very important role in my life. It is these people who I both learn from and get teased by. While my mom’s side of the family was always tolerate of me my dad’s side was usually a different story. For some reason they just couldn’t grasp the idea that a seven year old would rather fill them in why it might be a bad idea to tempt a wild gazelle than to play catch. Aside from that they would always try to convince my parents to put me into programs for “special kids” due to the fact that they were convinced a child like me must have learning disabilities. I wonder if they still thought that when I had surpassed most of them in knowledge by the age of 11. Aunts and uncles weren’t the only people who deemed me undesirable however. In my preschool days I was marked as “rebellious” and “beyond help” by the obviously satanic cult in the guise of the Danville Montessori Preschool. According to them any 3 year old who wouldn’t pick up his puzzle pieces when told, or sit on their designated mat was unworthy of their superior learning style. I was kicked out of preschool, no joke, oh well I guess I missed out on learning how to conform to standards. It wasn’t long before I found a new preschool that was more adept to dealing with my unique personality. Instead of kicking me out when I growled at the other children they simply gave me my own room. With the unique mindset I was given there are certain setbacks. Take for example an incident that almost got me re-familytized in second grade. You have to understand that my second grade mind didn’t quite understand that certain subjects could cause concern among adults. Although, why adults would take the crazy ramblings of a giddy second grader as truth is beyond me, especially when it concerns what I told them. I said that due to my father being a police officer he would often make me drive him home drunk. Which is completely lacking in logic I know. And on top of this I claimed that a hundred bodies were under my bed and I would have to climb up them at night to go to sleep. As a result my family was called in for a meeting with child services. When my mother was questioned about my childish claims she responded to the teacher, “Want to hear the stories he tells me about you?” Needless to say they backed off. So looking back I guess I wasn’t really a retard or a child prodigy. I was just weird. I take pride in that.
PART 2 – This is the part where everybody loses their soul. AKA Middle School
Oh my, looking back at those years makes me want to puke an unsightly amount of blood. Middle school should be renamed, instead it should be called “Guess what everything you thought was awesome probably isn’t, so you better change fast or else everybody will hate you.” (and of course you do…) See, if I had known this general idea earlier in my middle school career maybe it would have been a little more fruitful. Throughout sixth and seventh grade I was shunned, I didn’t know about these “awesome “ things like “cool” bands and “tight” lingo, and on top of it all I just couldn’t understand why nobody else thought my gazelle jokes were awesomeness. As embarrassing as it is by eighth grade I myself was a tool. Oh yes I was a “skater punk.” I guess in the end it turned out okay though due to the fact that I ended up really enjoying skateboarding even after my middle school phase. Thankfully middle school ended, and high school begun. Here you just kind of realize you might as well live like you want, because those people you thought were tight in middle school are losers just the same as you when you’re a freshmen.
PART 3 – The Tragedy of Interlochen, badly thought out consumption of illegal drugs and Zombie.
So, back to the success thing. You see it’s not necessarily that I don’t intend to succeed, it’s just that I tend to screw things up. Point in case, Interlochen Arts Academy. Ever since about 9th grade I wanted to be a filmmaker and when I discovered Interlochen I thought I had found my first step. I applied, got accepted, paid the multi-thousand dollar fee and attended the camp. It was awesomeness! Top-notch facilities, awesome people, beautiful campus, great professors, and drugs… Two weeks in, when the height of production sets in, I get caught smoking weed in a cabin with a couple of fellow Loches’. Needless to say, I was kicked out. Mom and dad, not to happy. So I learn my lesson that drugs = bad situations for me right? Wrong. About 2 months later my better judgment fails me again and I smoke a little too much cigarettes and weed. Doesn’t agree with my asthma, pulse goes extremely high (180-190’s) and I nearly die. Lesson learned: Maybe smoking, whether it be cigarettes or illegal substances isn’t the right thing for me due to my health conditions… From this many more bad things come, but one thing tops it all off in an oh so tragic way. The day is my birthday, and also my first day driving to school, the day has actually going really well. I pull into the drive way and every thing goes to hell when I hit my 6 month old puppy Zombie. He dies… I cry… life sucks. The moral behind all of this: I have really, really, really bad luck/karma. REALLY BAD. CONCLUSION
Ah my life, interesting huh? Well I hope you enjoyed it, I have occasionally, with the exception of part 3 that is… I’ll leave you with this, my current situation. Migraines almost constantly and a bad outlook on life, and on top of it all I’m a loser. Oh well, it’s bound to get better eventually. THE END
(But not really…)
(You know… cause I’m still alive… yeah…)
© 2008 zach lyonsReviews
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1 Review Added on October 17, 2008 Author![]() zach lyonswaddy, KYAboutIm a modern man. I like film (makin them and watching them), skateboarding, video games(nintendo fanboy), writing, hangin out, and whatever else sounds good at that moment. how would i describe myself.. more..Writing
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