My Time

I was 9 years old

when I first felt insecure about my weight,

It was the first but definitely not the last.

It was simply the beginning

of all the self hate and mental turmoil

that came with being different.

I was age 11

and it was clear that I didn't look like the rest of the girls from my school

and I did not look like the girls on TV.

Nor did I know anyone who looked like me

so there must have been something wrong with me,

right?

Because this world was made for small bodies

and I just took up too much space.

Or at least that's what the

boys and girls who had lockers by me

said that I was blocking their lockers

with my mile long body

and made fun of my favorite shirt,

which led me to forever hate that shirt

To me it was simply just a symbol of looking different

or in my case ugly

and everyone wanted to make sure I knew of it.

As if I didn't already know.

I looked at my body trying to find

something to like,

anything at all

I never found it

I was age 13 and i started to wrap my fat

with tight cloth in the morning

Making sure I could hide something

Anything,

Everything

Starting from then

I decided to starve myself

Giving into society

Age 14

An eating disorder is put on me

I’m labeled

terrified

someone will be able to take the fake sticker off

of me seeing all the imperfections that i

Loathe about myself

But to feel beautiful was to be skinny

And skinny is something that I’m not

I existed in a world where

The only thing i heard was

“Don’t eat that second granola bar,

You already passed your daily amount of calories

Don’t you want to be pretty?”

And until I feel hungry all the time

It’s not working

I felt that

Society showed me

through movies and books

that all I could ever be was a sidekick

or a punchline to a joke

Because that’s all I am

A joke.

A joke of a human being

Because I am not society’s definition of beautiful

Because I’m fat

F

A
T

A word that shouldn’t hold people back

F

A

T

A word that is the problem

A three letter word that bothers me

And it shouldn’t

That word

Our society puts such a negative connotation to that word

It’s not the people who use it or the word itself

It’s the way we use it

F

A

T

A three letter word

that made my 9 year old self tear up

And that 9 year old deserved better

F

A

T

A word that could make my 11 year old self

Cry about at night

F

A

T

A word that I wanted to get rid of

Get rid of that horrible three letter word

That perfectly described me

And i despise it