Work

There are times when I wish I could draw.  That I was capable of producing the images and scenes I see inside my mind on to paper so that maybe you could understand my soul.  Then I doodle a stick figure and remember that art is not a talent I posses.  I get these urges to draw while I sit at my desk in the front office of the law firm in which I work.  I picture drawling an office in black and white charcoal, stacks of folders that need to be worked on, a computer screen that my eyes are stuck to from 8-5 Monday through Friday, maybe a coffee mug with the spoon still in it.  The center focus of that piece however would be the young woman sitting behind the desk.  She wouldn’t be in black and white.  She would be drawn in vibrant colors using pastel crayons.  A girl who doesn’t fit in sitting behind a desk working of paper work and watching the clock tick until it was time to go home.  I wish I could draw this so that maybe my co-workers would understand how much I feel I don’t belong here.  That I just don’t fit in and then maybe they would realize why I am so shy.   However, I can’t drawl.  So, I sit and I work on the files and watch the clock tick until it’s time to go home.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like my co-workers.  They are nice and they are funny.  I can hold a conversation with them, well at least most of the time, as long as it’s about superficial stuff, which I hate.  I want deep conversations discussing the universe and weather or not there is more out there.  Is the universe infinitely large or infinitely small?  Is it like a rubber band and at some point is it going to reach its limit before bouncing back creating a new big bang and starting life all over again?  What about god?  Is there a spirit world? What do you believe to be true?  There are no wrong answers in these conversations.  Only opinions that are held true to each individual who chooses to believe them.  Questions whose answers would only produce more questions.  These are the thing I enjoy discussing.  However I can hold a conversation about a TV show that means nothing to me or weather or not the Kylie Jenner lip challenge can cause permanent damage.  

Truth be told I would be perfectly content at my job if I was at least to interact with people and clients more then just a phone call or answering the door.  Not to mention the maze of automated phone systems whenever I try to call a provider to get a hold of a bill.  I need human interaction.  The lack of it as I sit behind my desk is enough to make me want to scream.  

But this is my job and it is a good job for a 21 year old, like myself, to have.  It’s a job that fell in my lap.  It’s a job with steady pay. It’s a job with steady hours.  It’s a job that doesn’t involve cash in my hands, which for me was poisin.   It’s a good job for many reasons and in many ways and I have to remind myself daily that I am lucky to have it. 

When I say this job fell in my lap I mean I wasn’t even looking for a new job when this offer came along.  My current boss was a regular of mine at the restaurant that I worked at.  He would come in for lunch at lease once a week and I was always his waitress.  One day he looked at me and asked if I would like a job.  I came in for an interview maybe three days later and have been working as a receptionist ever since.  Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.  At times it feels like just yesterday I was working at bostons and feeling like I was at the top of the food chain. Other days it feels like that time in my life was put away a long time ago.  That time in my life is a head ache to look at.. a mixture of the darkest moments in my life and some of the happiest.. often with in a couple of minutes of each other.  But I try not to look back for too long.  Plus I need to get back to work and stop day dreaming.  

“Did you get the records in for Nichole Smith yet?”  Kaytie asks me as she walks over to my book case that hold all the files I need to catch up on.  She starts to fumble throught them trying to find the Smith file.

“I got those records in on Friday and I have already filed her back away in your filing cabnit.”  She looks at me slightly confused.  To be fair lately my work ethic has been slacking so to already have something done is proberably slightly shocking to her right now.  

“Oh.. Thank you Rye-Rye.” She turns and walk out of my office.  It makes me smile to myself when she calls me that, even though it does make me feel like a small child.  A feeling I am often used to.  Expecially around my co-workers, I am the youngest and I don’t have any kids, but its so much more then that.  I look at Kaytie who is absolutely stunning.  Her milk chocolate hair that’s shoulder leangth with soft blonde highlights shapes her pale face so gracefully and yet still with a little bit of don’t f**k with me sass.  She accents her ice cold blue eyes with dark eye liner making them pop like big doe eyes.  Her lips a soft pink and, for lack of a better way to describe them, kissable looking.  She stands tall and confident.  She knows she is beautiful but she doesn’t rely on her looks.  She knows what she is doing and can express herself in a way I can only do in my mind or on paper.  

“Hey, you okay” Shawna asks as she stops in front of my office door. I must have been lost in thought again.  I pull myself back to reality.

“Yeah, sorry just lost in thought.  I didn’t get much sleep again last night.” I give her a smile I mastered years ago to hide my true thoughts and emotions and it works wonders on her.  She smiles back at me and lets go a soft chuckle that shakes her whole body.

“You need to stop staying up all night Rylie. Mike is going to start worrying that you are up to no good again.”  To this I gently laugh but that’s harder to fake.  That’s something I am always afraid of.  I always fear if I come in tired or sick or just out of it that they all will assume the worst.  My eyes go to the stacks of folders on my desk and I grab on at random.  She takes the hint and walks away.  My work mom.  Or as she intrudces me to people her little sister.  I am not sure what type of relationship she thinks we have but it’s the closest thing to a real friend I have at work.  Even if she is 18 years older then me.  

This is my life.  Every day is generally the same.  And it is drowning me.

Reviews

[terry smith]

Sometimes in life we do what we must, take a chance and look for a job that will make you happy, in the meantime take consolation that you are looking, it will help. And when you are not at work do what you truly love!! I have had jobs that it looked like my job was to tell time...that's how much I looked at the clock.oh and great write by the way,check your spelling:)

[underthemask]

Haha thanks spelling and grammar has always been a real weak point for me. I really should double check though before posting 😖. Also I'm working on getting a different job which I'm excited about but for now this job at least gives me time to write. Even if I'm not supposed to be haha.

[terry smith]

I truly hope that with a new job you still have time to write!! :)