For Chris

needs work.

Rations and pacing doesn’t exist

When you’ve got a werewolf heart

That turns wild under a full moon.

Once in third grade

I stuck my fingers into sockets

To see if misery had a color.

And even through the several pages of blues

Of coloring books that I stole from the grocery market

Never compared to the color you make me feel.

You give me distant eyes and leave me with shivering arms

because even those with wild hearts

feel color.

I wear my loneliness the same way you wear your pullovers

Three sizes too big, because it shrinks in the wash

but mine never shrinks in the wash

it just comes out as stretched out and full of sorrow

as it went in.

you make me want to break every plate in my cabinet

smashing them against the wall

listening to the sound of them shatter.

so I will know what it feels like

if I try to jump from my window again.

At night
 

I sometimes want to fill my pockets with bricks

And go float in my grandmothers pool

To see how long it takes for my lungs to sink to the bottom

And fill with chlorine

But then I remember

That it wouldn’t be fair

Because you never liked pools anyways.

When I cant fall asleep

And its 2 in the morning

I sometimes like to think if you’re awake too

Counting the stars that only exist on my ceiling,

drawing pictures of what you want tomorrow to look like

or just staring at the wall

wondering how all those weak girls

were able to break your little heart.

Or maybe your thinking of me

And the several imperfections that can’t be hidden on my face

And all of the disgusting flaws in my personality.

When I think of you

I think of the way your eyes look when you say you’re tired

And the way you comb your hair back with your fingers

And the way your lips pronounce my name.

Author's Note

i need to work on this. if you have any advice it would be so greatly appreciated you have no idea. it needs work and id love some recommondations!
thank you!

Reviews

[Rob Santana]

I really really like this piece. I have so many favourite lines here. It does look a little cluttered maybe take out some words or add. What I do is read it over again through out the week and you will eventually see what needs to be changed or what you feel you like or don't like. It works for me.

[under-the-water]

i didnt think anyone would comment! thank you so much! ok so take out some words and shift stuff around, got it. thank you so much this is such great advise!!!!

[Leigh]

Divide it up into stanzas 1st stanza end with 'feel colour' and put that onto same line as 'because even with those wild hearts'. 3rd stanza start with 'at night', just an idea, sorry if this is annoying,

The content is just fab.

[under-the-water]

nonono thank you so much!!! if you have anymore ideas id love to here it! thank you so much your review means a lot!!!

[Leigh]

i hope i mightve helped :-)

[Paul Grimsley]

I really enjoyed this. I was wondering where you thought it needed work, because it flows well, is very lyrical, and has a nice cadence when you read it.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

"You give me distant eyes and leave me with shivering arms
because even those with wild hearts
feel color."~ I love this part...I believe if you bring the third line up, to connect with the second line, it will complete the flow of thought.
Your expression of lonliness is heartwrenching. Nicely done... it has great potential to evolve into an amazing piece.

[under-the-water]

thak you so much!!!! ill make the adjustment!! im so glad u read it and commented it means so much thank you!!!

[Robbie~xoxo~]

My pleasure...you are a lovely writer!~xo~:)

[Ahmad Cox]

I am glad you decided to post this one. I really enjoyed it

[s y e]

I really loved this piece. I have so many favorite lines here. You have good imagery! Thank you for sharing it with us all and thanks for the RR

[stars are far]

this was nice piece

[under-the-water]

thank you love

[stars are far]

you are welcome :)

[krish]

AAH..........awesome........so cool...there's some line's that i damn loved.....watch out below.....
"OF COLORING BOOK'S THAT I STOLE FROM MY GROCERY MARKET"
I WEAR MY LONLInESS,THE SAME AS U WEAR PULLOVER'S,.,
BUT MINE CAN'T SHRINK...."
WONDERING HOW LITTLE PREETY GIRL'S BREAK UR'S HEART.."
"THE WAY UR'S LIP'S PRONOUNCE MY NAME WHEN U COMB UR'S HAIR'S....."
u know what when i was reading it,i was making a view in my mind.......the "swimmin poll" yeah..that one line wass funny...i was chuckling............
Overall....that's perfect,i liked + loved = enjoyed...........
u've a great talent too.......i liked ur's way.....
The poem was quite enjoyable/funny..........etc........u know what..u's poem was........AVISHVASHNIYA...mean's very good..,dominant....
i wanna give u 95/100.......very nice.......great job.......
have a nice day......
may god blesss u.......take-care........


"#$hivam....!!"

[under-the-water]

than you so much!!! im glad you liked it! thank you so much for the review this is honestly the nicest review ive ever gotten thiank you so much ahhhhhh u rock thank you may god blessssss you!!!!

[krish]

it's cool........!!..u're welcome........
My pleasure............May god show u succeessive path.........
have a nice day..........

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarri..]

you have good imagery and sensation, but a poem is more than that
it need some kind of rhyme scheme, meter or at least a pattern to make it sound as a poem, not a lump of prose broke into lines of different length.
There's of course "free verse" though i dislike it, but even in free verse try to some sort of pattern or short lines to attract your reader and amuse him
it will help delivering your ideas :)
my opinion

[under-the-water]

ok make a pattern to lure in the reader - thank you i willl revise it as soon as possible. i suck at rhyming so we'll see how i do
thank you so much!!!

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

Well, Poetry like everything needs effort and time to master, you can't expect to be perfect from the very start... there's an old saying "Nothing good comes easy"

best luck!

[Rob Santana]

There you go!! Looking good. I really really REALLY like this line " I stuck my fingers into sockets to see if misery had a color " very clever wording.

[under-the-water]

thank you so much!! im glad there was something that caught someones eye