I hate it

 

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

Author's Note

i had a rough draft of this - and now its edited - thanks to "Time"

Reviews

[Another Relic]

Hey Jessica.

I know you're wondering why I never left any details but after doing reviews here for about 4 or 5 years I've learned that sometimes people get offended when someone points out things they dissagree with or find odd. And I know people don't want their work re-written by someone they don't know.

"all of this work."

Hmm, did I say that? I don't see it?

"I would Assume you would know how to fix the work needed."

Well, not always but I understand the overall feeling behind the poem. I think your diction, (word choice) lack of detail, and forced rhymes are what bothered me. You've based your poem on rhyme, lets line them up and see what you've got.

smile, while
eyes, why
cared, bared
scared, there
unfair, ?
you, blue
you, bluffing

bluffing? where did that come from?

You've also got a couple of lines that are kind of long which deviates from any established meter: Because you new that there was just more than a bit of pain I bared.
To have fooled me with your disgusting bluffing.

I hate it when its you
Who took me out of the blue (sounds like a tense problem here.)

I don't like rewriting others poems, but here's the way I here it. I've found that compression of lines helps and also using a thesaurus. There's a bit of alliteration here as well. Remember, this is only my opinion, others may like your poem the way it is.

I hate it when you smile
Like a sun that spent awhile
Blinding my curious eye
Leaving me wondering why.

I hate it that you're spared
While I'm still here ensnared
In all the pain I bared
Wondering if you cared.

I hate it that it's you
That took me from the blue
To whisper some sweet nothing
While you were busy bluffing.

Alliteration parts:
Like a (s)un that (s)pent awhile
Leaving me (w)ondering (w)hy.
While I'm (s)till here en(s)nared
To (w)hisper (s)ome (s)weet nothing
(W)hile you were (b)usy (b)luffing.

Whew! I think that's enough. LOL Hope I've cleared things up.

[under-the-water]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! see thats what i needed. i like how u fixed it up - the flow is like 10000000 times better. I've never been a good rhymer - at all - so i find your alterations to my poem perfect!!! thank you soooooo much for the time that you spent on helping me with this - i really really reallllllyyyyyyyyyy appreciate it! oh and am i allowed to correct my poem with the corrections you gave me? if Im not than i understand - but if i can than that would be awesome!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!

[Another Relic]

No problem Jessica and yes, you may do as you wish, it's your poem.

[Dennis A. Clark]

I feel the speaker's sense of disenchantment, emptiness and seething.

[under-the-water]

im glad i was able to drift off that feeling

[stars are far]

that was so relatable.. personally i can relate tovit well..
well done (y)

[under-the-water]

thank you love!

[elizasexybeth]

a love this poem like you hate to love

[under-the-water]

thank you!!! thats so kind

[Rob Santana]

To whisper some sweet nothing,while you were busy bluffing,hahaha awesome wording right there,good write.

[Ahmad Cox]

I have to admit I actually really enjoyed the juxtaposition between love and hate and I appreciated the emotions and the battling feelings that are being portrayed in this poem.

[under-the-water]

thank you so much ahmad! i just have one question - what does juxtaposition mean... i like the word tho and the next time i have a school essay ill use it and it will make me look really smart. thank you sooooo much for reviewing this and I'm glad you liked it!!! I'm also glad you understood it **im usually very bad at letting the reader no what da hell i just wroke about**
thank you
-jessica romoff

[Ahmad Cox]

Feel free to use it and abuse it. Juxtaposition. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

[Ahmad Cox]

And if you want feel free to add me as a friend and read some of my poetry as well.

[under-the-water]

will do - thank u!!!!

[Steven Cash]

Hate and Love, two sides of the same coin

very nice

loved it Jessica

[under-the-water]

thanks babe - I'm gad you liked it!!! its always nice having someone understand what I'm trying to convey ;)

[Steven Cash]

:) no prob

[Kaylor Mason]

I hope that heartless cad gets what he deserves.

[under-the-water]

hahhahaha!!! THAT WAS THE BEST REVIEW I EVER GOT!!!! THANK YOU FOR JUST MAKING MY DAY!!!! YES NOW MY DAY WILL B AWESOME BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

[Kaylor Mason]

You're welcome :)

[MariaPeterson]

Awesome! thanks for a wonderful poem. I like it.

[Another Relic]

I think this could use a lot of work. The word new should be spelled knew BTW. Keep writing.

[under-the-water]

thank you for the review - its appreciated. and instead of just putting "this needs a lot of work" - maybe you could tell me what "work" i should put on it - because i would assume you would know how to fix the work needed - since you pointed out "all of this work" that it needs - oh and BTW i know how to spell knew - its called a "mistake"
thanks for the help that you didn't provide