July 22

July 22

            After the brief encounter with Dad the air conditioner started working again. Before I was feeling slightly uncomfortable from the heat but I now I feel like I’m outside during a blizzard. In way it reminds me of last Christmas.

            Two weeks before Christmas a huge blizzard came threw and the meteorologist said the storm was one of the worst Chicago has had in fifteen years.

            Dad waited until the ice and snow had melted a little bit before going back to work. School was closed for the rest of December so I spent the day with Dad.

            Though it was a Monday Dad was busy making the finishing touches on a Christmas party for children of soldiers.

            The whole time Dad was passively making me eat more. He would hand me a cookie and ask me to taste it. Of course I would nibble on the edge and angrily nod, but Dad would reprimand me and suggest that I wouldn’t know the true taste by nibbling on the edge. Just to make him shut up I ate the entire cookie.

            He kept doing that over and over again with cupcakes, finger sandwiches and vegetables. After eating all he told me to I felt dirty and I hated Dad for making me eat it and then I finally felt angry with myself for becoming angry with him. I never said anything back to Dad when he wanted me to eat, but the anger was deep seeded in my chest.

            I even tried to purge when I went to the bathroom, but the party had started and people were coming in and out of the bathroom and I know I couldn’t purge with anyone in the room.

            It felt awful to be so full. I finally asked Dad if I could shovel the snow and ice. If I couldn’t purge with vomit I could always purge with exercise.

            I spent an hour in the blazing cold shoveling the ice with a flimsy show shovel and in shoes that had me sliding everywhere. Cars were trying there hardest to dodge me because I was all over the place.

            The work was long and hard but I was happy to know that parts of the calories were burned. Sadly for me Dad was waiting for me with hot chocolate and once again he would not leave me alone until I drank it.

            The next day Dad was going to have a Christmas party for the drug addicts from Bryant’s. I was unable to come because I had pulled a muscle, but I took the change to binge and purge until I felt like I had made up for the day before.

            Dad knew I was bulimic for five months. Maybe it was just a hunch or the fact I was showing all the signs of bulimia but Dad started making me eat more when he was around, in fact he never liked leaving me alone.

            While at home he would tell me hoe much he loved me. Then he would remind me that Jesus cared. I felt guilty for not telling him, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. I knew he wouldn’t understand my feelings. I used to watch on TV where bulimic girls were sometimes treated kindly, but other times they were treated like freaks. I knew this wasn’t real life and that the writers had a story to sell besides offering hope to those who are hurting.

            Dad was always busy with work so I was left home a lot. I’m sure Dad is like other pastors. He keeps a bottle of industrial size extra strength Tylenol in the left bottom drawer of his desk, he would drip everything to watch Seinfeld, and sometimes he leaves his phone off the hook so he could have some quiet.

            Dad is like other pastors also when he puts the sick and dying before me. My emotions are bittersweet. I know he’s doing God’s work and I’m glad that I’m in a Christian home, but some times I wish would talk to me more.

            There are times (8 times out of 10) that I only want to be alone, but there are times when I cry heavily because I feel so lonely.

Reviews

[Tina Kline]

An emotional chapter. I understand how she feels about eating and wanting to get rid of it anyway she can. I understand her resentment toward her father who is just trying to keep her alive and not really able to understand how eating makes his daughter feel awful. Nice job.

[PyroKitty24]

Nice flashback chapter

[Aly Jones]

I don't really know what I could possibly say that's bad!

[Sunflower 20]

its great to read about her past and her feelings toward her family. i like how in some chapters you focus on one person of her family, then in the others in other chapters. that gives this character a real past that is very close to reality for many people. well done!

[Chris38]

Good to know more again

[Brian W. Hastings]

wow, at first I wanted to truly hate the father but, you showed it from both sides really well. The fact that the main character can see this from both sides is going to cause even more turmoil later in the book for sure.