July 17

July 17

            I waited outside of Dr. Small’s office for what seemed like forever. When she showed up she apologized for being late. Dr. Small said the reason for her tardiness was because her car wouldn’t start this morning.

            Before I sat down I handed her my journal and took my place on the couch.

            In the first five minutes she quickly skimmed over the words. I thought she was about give the journal back when she spent longer then a second on one entry. I could feel my heart beat a little bit faster.

            “Aelge when did you try to kill yourself?”

            I suddenly felt stupid for adding that in my journal. Why in the hell did I? Wait a second won’t she read this too…

            Bunching my hands together I tried to think, tried to talk.

            “You also wrote that you tried alcohol and marijuana.”

            Finally able to speak I said, “I’m won’t get in trouble will I? Your not going to tell my Dad, are you?”

            Dr. Small looked up at me. I couldn’t deny the strong seriousness in her eyes. “I depends on what you say.”

            I nodded.

            “Do you have a plan to kill yourself or do you plan to try again?” 

            I shook my head. That didn’t seem to appease Dr. Small she reiterated what she said and added that I had to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.

            “No doc. I don't plan to kill myself.” I sighed.

            I saw her write a few notes before speaking. “What happened then?”

            I could feel tears, hot and wet, roll down my face. I tried to hide it the best I could and for the time being it seemed to work. “My Dad was trying and trying to get me to eat and I don’t know I was just sad… and upset… and mad.” Under my breath I mumbled, “It’s my body, I can do what I want.”

            Dr. Small sat back and rolled her pen in between her fingers “So your saying that your dad wanted to gain the weight back, but you didn’t?”

            “Yep. He didn’t understand.”

            “Understand what? Why you feel the need to be skinny?”

            “He didn’t realize, and doesn’t now, that if I’m fat no one will like me!” I didn’t mean to yell, but it happened.

            “Why do you believe that?”

            “Cause,” I huffed “Fat kids are bullied, plain and simple.”

            “So once your dad told you…”

            “He made me eat a steak.” I snapped quickly.

            “So after you ate the steak what did you think?”

            “I was going to become fat. Once that happens no one will like me. I’m better off dead if I’m going to be alone.”

            “So you…”

            I started crying at that point. I didn’t want to talk or be here. I would rather be a sleep or reading. Dr. Small saw the tears and she quickly handed me a tissue. Instead of using it to blot my eyes I started tearing up the tissue. I could tell from her sigh that she didn’t want me to do that.

            “I took one of Dad’s belts and tried to make a knot from it and I tried to hang myself on the bar in my closet. It turned out that the bar wasn’t strong enough to hold me up. I passed out before the fall.”

            “You’re lucky.”

            “How?” I hissed.

            “You survived for a reason and God knows why.”

            Rubbing my forehead I told her that I wish I were dead, but that I wasn’t stupid enough to try anything now.

            She looked at watch and said time was up. As I left she noticed I hadn’t stopped crying. I wasn’t loudly weeping the tears just wouldn’t stop. So Dr. Small took me to a little cubbyhole in her office and gave me a shot to tranquilize me. 

            After Janna was called down she left to talk to another client and Janna took me to my room and told me to ‘sleep it off’.

            To me surprise I feel asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I was woken up for dinner and journal time.

             

             

Reviews

[PyroKitty24]

Wow. Those doctors are kind of bitchy. That was really a breakthrough moment and she just refused to take it.

[Tina Kline]

Just as things heat up the Doctor ends the session and uses drugs to control her. I have to say that made me kind of mad because it doesn't seem like there is really any true caring sometimes with these doctors. You're time is up and its just too bad if the patient is left in a bad way. Just give her a pill.....

Another great chapter.

[Chris38]

Another revealing chapter.