July 10

A Chapter by Calypso

July 10

After looking threw some of my journals I realized all I’ve talked about is Roman. Dr. Small didn’t say anything to me about it, but I feel I should write about something besides Roman. So then once again I’ll talk about my session with Dr. Small.

She greeted me with a smile when I came into her office. I felt never nervous when I go to therapy anyways, but I felt even more nervous today. I found myself gripping my journal tightly, and my palms were so sweaty I thought I would drop my journal at some point.

Dr. Small down and placed her notepad on her lap before she asked how I was doing.

“Okay.” I nodded, maybe a bit too eagerly.

“You look sick, are you okay?” She wrote something down.

“I don’t feel too grand.” I admitted.

“What's wrong?”

“I just… I’m having a hard time eating.”

Surprise, surprise. Dr. Small nodded an all-knowing nod. “What is wrong? Does the food taste bad? Do you not like the food being served? Is it the bulimia?”

Ahh… the elephant in the room. I know anything I say to Dr. Small about food will always come back to the bulimia.Yet some times it doesn't.

“I’m just not in the mood.” I said as if anyone at Bryant’s would let you get away with that excuse.

“To eat?”

“To overeat. One thing I would kill for is Oreos. Not just one just ten or twenty. And movie theater popcorn. With extra butter.”

Dr. Small was writing something when she responded, “Why can’t you just have two Oreos or some popcorn at home with no butter or salt?”

“That’s non American! Your forefathers would weep to knew that you just want

to eat two Oreos.”

Dr. Small looked at me as if I was barking mad. “My point still stands Aelge.”

I pursed my lips. “I just don’t want to be fat again.”

“We don’t want you to be fat, we want you to be healthy.”

After sighing I felt the strong want to pat the pillow beside me. 1-e-and-a

I haven’t done that in while.

“Are you okay?” Asked Dr. Small.

My hand hovered over the pillow and I tried to fight the want but I failed. I kept tapping the pillows over and over. All the while Dr. Small was taking notes.

“What is one food you believe you can never stop eating once you’ve started.”

I kept going but I thought for a second “French fries. I love them, but I only eat a medium order when I’m out. I don’t want Dad to believe I’m a pig. I wish I had a car so I could go to McDonald or Burger King everyday so I could get three orders of large fries.”

“If you bought the fries what do you think would happen?”

“I would freak out. Feel like crap and basically punch the back of my throat to get rid of the fries.”

“Why fries?”

“They just made me feel good… good and cozy.”

Dr. Small looked at the clocked, wrote something down and said, “That’s all the time we have for today.

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