July 2

A Chapter by Calypso

July 2

So after writing last night’s entry I tore it out of my notebook and tore it into a hundred pieces (or so it seemed). After I finished with this paragraph I going to ‘accidentally’ spill whiteout on his paragraph. Maybe when I go home I’ll try to chip away the white out.

So Janna told me this morning that I was moved up to level three. Now I can legally go to the TV room and walk myself to where I need to be. I was excited but bummed to find out that I had another seven weeks here.

Yet Janna informed me that despite being at level three I still wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom beside myself for another week because of the purging. It was a double standard but it somehow made sense. Janna truly seemed to care about me.

During the first free time she took me to the doctor and they took my blood and then weighted me. I had gained seven pounds. The doctor wrote it down and turned around and (like a dork) gave a thumbs up. “Just another thirty-seven pounds to go.”

Janna smiled also, but I didn’t because I was depressed. I voiced my anger/sadness during group therapy.

“I feel like a fat sow.” I said not caring if I was interrupting anyone. Eva, who happened to be the one talking, turned towards me. I suddenly bit down on my lip. She didn’t seem angry, but she seemed interested. “I hated eating that watermelon.”

“I heard that watermelon has a lot of fat!” I girl I barely knew called out. I tried to brush her off but what she said made me feel worse.

“I hate eating. It’s… it’s so damn stupid.” I couldn’t find any other way to express how I felt. I knew I would be in trouble for saying ‘damn’.

Janna went from looking at her watch to looking at me. “Aelge why do you think eating is stupid?”

“It just is.” I huffed. “I have my reasons.”

“I hate becoming fat.” April stated. April has always been quit, so it surprised everyone that she spoke. After speaking she bit down onto her lower lip and held on to her arm as if it was hurt.

“Thank you for expressing your feelings.” Janna said warmly.

April didn’t say anything back; she just stared at the floor. Everyone in the room waited for something else to happen. Having April speak was shocking enough.

Finally Janna cleared her throat. “I believe that’s all the time we have.”

Everyone seemed fine with that, but I wanted to say at least something. I raised my hand as urgently as if I was in school and I had to use the bathroom really bad.

Janna motioned for me to speak. It kind of reminds me of the debate team at home. I was waiting for someone to say that I had the floor. “I don’t think you should make us eat.”

Janna pursed her lips. “You need to eat to live.”

“No you know I once heard of this guy who only had green tea and he lost 500 pound!” Eva called out. Janna acted like she never heard her.

“I’ve lived this long on 80 pounds, I can live longer!” I called out.

Janna crossed her legs and shook her head. “Yes you can live with only 80 pound, but not for long.”

I huffed. “I just feel like…” I stopped when I realized that was drawing in everyone’s attention. I wish I could be like April and become like a hermit after making my opening statement. Suddenly I remembered with I was in the debate team in eight grade. I would fuse and fuse about nothing, just so I could win the debate, and now is no different. I opened my mouth to say something, but Janna cut me off. She told me that if I were 140 pound my life would be better, that I would look and feel better.

I never responded. I knew I had lost the debate like I always did in eight grade.

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