June 11

June 11

            Today and yesterday have been hard days. When we got here yesterday first thing that happened was that a psychologist saw me. The doctor asked Dad questions about Mom’s pregnancy and my childhood health for about thirty minutes. Then he asked me a few questions. I was nervous and timid and he told me he only wanted to help me, but I don't feel like he will. I believe he got the gist of my problems though. He said he could tell I was an extreme bulimic and he said he was surprised I hadn’t died yet.

            After that I was weighed and more blood was taken. I hugged Dad good-bye before he left. A women called Janna patiently waited for me to say my good byes. She took me for a tour of Bryant’s.

            She told me she was the counselor for bulimics. She also said that she had a degree in counseling, but her main job was to watch over me. Along with that I was told that if I ever thought of hurting myself that I should tell her. She went on to explain the building; “The building has a school, hospital, and church in it. We are one of the best in Chicago. Have you already filled out your forms for your classes?”

            I shook my head. As we came out of the elevator I counted the tiles and I stood back so Janna couldn’t see me release my anxiety. I felt a need to touch the wall every other step because I was scared if I wouldn’t I would pass out again.

            “It’s okay we’ll set up your classes tomorrow. It’s almost five and you can’t get anything done after five.” She giggled lightly but then cleared her throat when I didn’t laugh. “Anyways you’ll be living in a room with four other girls and I. As you go up levels you’ll be able to get your room and privileges. Until then I have to walk with you everywhere.”

            I never opposed instead I just numbly followed her when she took me to my room.

            “Everyone is in dinner. Let’s go.”

            After dinner is monitory thirty minutes of journaling. They told me after this we get three hours of free time. I might read a book I’ve working on.

Reviews

[PyroKitty24]

Another interesting chapter, even though it needs to be reread a bit. I was hoping that this was a little more journal-y too, but it is good nonetheless.

[Legacy]

Calypso,

I feel your strength and weaknesses in this chapter...

Your character is courageous and as you termed so well Timid, you will do very well with this.

*Bracing for a rollar coaster ride* I am ready!

June 12 is on its way very soon,

Legacy

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I think this was an interesting entry. You did a very nice job on this chapter. I can't wait to see her first day of being there is going to be like. I know I wouldn't want to live in a place like that. Great write. Can't wait to read on. Thanks for sharing.

[Daydreamer54]

I women called Janna patiently - a woman called Janna,
I might read a book I’ve working on.- i've been working on.
man, i bet having that lady follow her around would be a pain! Can't wait to see wat her first day would be like.

[Black Cat Fever]

Hope this place is actually some sort of healing place not just a way station (so to speak) where people sit for a while and are discharged (kicked out) when the insurance money runs out. So many mental hospitals are like that.

[Shelby]

- I was nervous and timid and he told me he only wanted to help me, but that didn’t help.
The repetition of help makes this awkward. I suggest changing one.
- I believe he got the jest of my problems though.
This should be "...he got the gist of my problems..." A jest is a joke, haha. I hope her condition isn't a joke to anyone.
-He said he could tell I was a extreme bulimic and he said he was surprised I hadn’t died yet.
There should be some emotion after this sentence. As is, it seems more like a plodding announcement of each action. There's no character. Even if she feels deadened or unemotional, you should express that somehow.
-I women called Janna patiently waited for me to say my good byes. Janna took me for a tour of Bryant’s.
It should say "a woman" and the second use of Janna is unnecessary. Just say she. The reader will get the idea.
- She told me she was the counselor for bulimics. Also she told me that she had a degree in counseling, but her main job was to watch over me. Along with that I was told that if I ever thought of hurting myself that I should tell her. She went on to explain the building;
There is too much "She told me" in here. Vary the way you say things. If you repeat the same beginning of a sentence too many times, the reader will get bored. Try to not use the same opening word for a sentence in the same paragraph. You won't be able to do it every time, but as much as you possibly can will make a world of difference.
- As we came out of the elevator I counted the tiles and I stood back so Janna couldn’t see me release my anxiety. I felt a need to touch the wall every other step because I was scared if I wouldn’t I would pass out again.
This is one of the best parts in this chapter, because you got to the character and made her come alive. Do this more often. It improves your writing remarkably.
- I never opposed instead I just numbly followed her when she took me to my room.
This needs a transition. You have to put some sort of subject after the word opposed. Even if it is just "I never opposed her". If you want to keep the instead, you have to put punctuation ther, a comma or semicolon, to get a pause and trasition in there. If you don't mind changing it, put a "just" in place os "instead". Then the semicolon is unneccessary, though you'd still need a comma.
-After dinner is monitory thirty minutes of journaling. They told me after this we get three hours of free time. I might read a book I’ve working on.
The transition from past to present tense, while neccessary for a journal entry, was awkward. Find some way to segue from past to present, and it will work fine.

Overall, this is fair. It needs some work, but there's definite potential.For the most part, focus on the emotions and actions of the character, as a journal is about her and she would mostly want to write about herself. Keep working on this. ou can get it up to a higher level and it will have serious potential.

[Taylor H.]

you should read the book "go ask alice" its a diary of a real girl and its an amazing book. I think it can really help you with this story.

[Jonathan De Elvira]

if I ever had bulimic and then was forced to be with others in one room...i swear i wouldn't sleep...this is very good, the story is getting interesting...

[Caitlynxoxo]

Honestly, you have me hooked on this book. the short chapters are refreshing to readm expecially if you are crunched for time, like I am :) I didn't see any mistakes, other than one:

"I was nervous and timid but he told me he only wanted to help me, but that didn’t help."

The two "but"'s in one sentence make it a little awkward, so this could have become two sentences. Aside from that VERY minor mistake, I saw nothing wrong with this story. Can't wait to read more!

xoxo Caitlyn xoxo

[trainwreck]

Honestly, this is the most realistic story of any kind I've read on here. The emotions are so accurate its uncanny.