June 10

June 10

I’m writing this journal entry in the back of Dad’s car. I can see the trees and people pass by as we drive a smooth 55 MPH. Neither Dad nor I are talking. The only sounds I hear is the hum of the radio that is turned down. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I’m bulimic.

He has me wrapped up tightly in a quilt like I'm a baby. The air conditioner is off, but I feel like I'm freezing to death. My mind keeps racing with today's happenings. I should have figured I would be institutionalized. I assumed for months figured I would die before being found out. The institution I'm going to is familiar. I've been to Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center before for volunteering but now if feels like I'm going there to be executed.

It was a mistake that he even found out. After church Sunday Dad had plans to go out to eat with the other pastors, and I told him I was sick. Really I wasn’t, but Dad bought it. He started to ask a bunch of questions as he drove me home.

“Will you be okay alone Aelge?”

I told him yes and he was gone. As soon as he was gone I cooked a box of macaroni and cheese and ate the whole thing and then I had two bowls of cereal. Out of no where Dad walked in and he scared me enough that I passed out. I was sent to the hospital and when I came to, my stomach felt like it was going to burst. After they did a few blood tests I rushed into the bathroom. As soon as I could I shoved my fingers down my throat, I started to vomit immediately.

“Are you okay Miss Howard?” Called one of the nurses.  

I didn’t answer so Dad called out “Aelge!”

The nurse shoved the door open and I was found with my fingers down my throat. Normally I would binge and then starve myself, but this time I was desperate, and this food needed to come out. Longing back I would I would not been caught. I feel guilty for Dad seeing me. As soon as Dad saw me I could see a mixture of things in Dad's eyes. I could tell he was sad, scared but, relieved.

Dad cried as they wrapped me up and lied me on the hard cot. A nurse said I looked like a living skeleton. They kept feeding me coffee and tea so that I would stop complaining of freezing to death.

They did the blood tests and found out that I was extremely malnourished. I was hospitalized for a few days. Dad said he always expected that I had an eating disorder, but he was afraid to ask. The day after I was emitted he sighed me up for treatment at Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center for the summer.

The last thing I want is to go, but I feel like I have to now.

Author's Note

1. Honourable Mention!
Mar 24, 2011
Best 1st Chapter

Reviews

[Ronald Ayers]

Dear Calypso:
There is an adage in the professional writing field that a good writer "Should show, not tell." What I have come to discover what that means is--rather then tell your reader. "I'm writing this journal entry in the back of Dad's car." You might show your reader that:

"The stores along 63rd street whizzed past the window in a blur as my dad's car zoomed down the street toward's Bryant's Teen Recovery Center. I usually liked sitting in the back seat of Dad's car. It always felt safe sitting amid the soft brown leather cushions. Today was different. I was scared. I didn't know what tomorrow might bring. I took my diary from my backpack and sat it down upon my knees. I wanted to write about how I felt about fear of going to the teen center.
My hand is frozen. I can't write a word. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I'm Bulimic."

My point here Calypso is that by developing WORD PICTURES that show what your character is doing, and how your character is feeling, you might be able to create action, drama, and reder identification with your character.

Aside from technique, you have created a sense of mystery. I want to know what is going to happen to Aelge. I want to know how she came to have Buliema, and what impact Aelge's condition will have on her father.

I assume you will answer these questions in the upcoming chapters.

Ohhh. There are several places where you should have brought your spell checker into play.

I have a proposition for you. If you are willing to polish and rewrite the first three chapters of your novel, I would like to serialize it for three consecutive months in my online magazine The Aegis Literary Review: http://aegisliteraryreview.com. Take a look at the magazine. If the idea appeals to you, I'll publish the first three chapters, and pay you a small stipend--$5.00 per chapter.

Write to me at: [email protected] if your interested.

Sincerely,
Ronald Ayers, Editor

[The Good Luck Victoriou..]

I think it's very concise. As it's a short chapter I think that makes sense, but if you really want to explore the situation, the characters and the emotions that are being felt, I suggest being more descriptive. I think the reviewers Ronald Ayers and Taylor H. have good suggestions as to how to do this.

[Shelby]

I've got to say, you capture the teen voice (am I assuming too much that this is from the POV of a teen girl?) very well. There were a few typos, such as the random ) in the second paragraph, so I'd suggest you have a few people edit this for you, or, if you haven't already, type it into Word, so it can catch any of those dumb mistakes we make. That way, the reader won't be taken out of the story and focus on finding mistakes instead of improving the actual story. This was an interesting beginning, and you got the idea across, but you didn't segue into the rest of the story. With this abrupt ending this is a story in itself and there isn't much to encourage the reader to continue. However, I have to commend you on hitting on a very interesting subject and a very contemporary problem. The title, too, I think is very good. It caught my attention and piqued my interest.

I was confused by the whole hospital scene. I would suggest you explain why, first of all, she is eating so much (add in something about her plans to purge it all later), why she was weak enough to faint, and how the rest of the story is going to be about her experiences in this recovery center, as I assume it will be.

Overall, I like the idea and this has serious potential. Keep working on this and improving it. I'll keep reading and trying to help you out.

[Taylor H.]

I think this needs to sound more like a diary entry than an essay. This is a teenage girl. Use slang. You need to act like this is all dialogue. Also, you should have a closing after each entry.

[HorrorMaster]

very good :)

[Jonathan De Elvira]

I've never read a book that was written in a diary format so this was very challenging yet so amazing, yeah you could improve it tad a bit but overall this one was very good...like I said earlier it was very unique...I'll definitely reading the latter chapter as I view this as a independent drama which is my fav type of reading...

[Caitlynxoxo]

First of all, this is a very creative idea for a book, and im really excited to continue reading! Second, Aelge is such a pretty name if i am pronouncing it right :) All in all, this was a great beginning to the story. Not too much detail to overwhelm the reader, but enough to let them catch up. Great job!

xoxo Caitlyn xoxo

[Angel Bird]

Great beginning. A serious theme though. Yes you make the reader want to learn how things will go from there. Thumb up.

[trainwreck]

I'm excited to read the whole thing. This is a great start.

[a]

This was really interesting and i'm not just saying that. I like the fact that at the beginning she said "i'm writing" it kinda gives me a feeling of closeness to her. Because nothing can be more personal than a diary entry. So great job. I'll read more.

[Chris38]

This was strangely fascinating. I suffered from an eating disorder myself but never chronicled it like this.