June 10

June 10

I’m writing this journal entry in the back of Dad’s car. I can see the trees and people pass by as we drive a smooth 55 MPH. Neither Dad nor I are talking. The only sounds I hear is the hum of the radio that is turned down. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I’m bulimic.

He has me wrapped up tightly in a quilt like I'm a baby. The air conditioner is off, but I feel like I'm freezing to death. My mind keeps racing with today's happenings. I should have figured I would be institutionalized. I assumed for months figured I would die before being found out. The institution I'm going to is familiar. I've been to Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center before for volunteering but now if feels like I'm going there to be executed.

It was a mistake that he even found out. After church Sunday Dad had plans to go out to eat with the other pastors, and I told him I was sick. Really I wasn’t, but Dad bought it. He started to ask a bunch of questions as he drove me home.

“Will you be okay alone Aelge?”

I told him yes and he was gone. As soon as he was gone I cooked a box of macaroni and cheese and ate the whole thing and then I had two bowls of cereal. Out of no where Dad walked in and he scared me enough that I passed out. I was sent to the hospital and when I came to, my stomach felt like it was going to burst. After they did a few blood tests I rushed into the bathroom. As soon as I could I shoved my fingers down my throat, I started to vomit immediately.

“Are you okay Miss Howard?” Called one of the nurses.  

I didn’t answer so Dad called out “Aelge!”

The nurse shoved the door open and I was found with my fingers down my throat. Normally I would binge and then starve myself, but this time I was desperate, and this food needed to come out. Longing back I would I would not been caught. I feel guilty for Dad seeing me. As soon as Dad saw me I could see a mixture of things in Dad's eyes. I could tell he was sad, scared but, relieved.

Dad cried as they wrapped me up and lied me on the hard cot. A nurse said I looked like a living skeleton. They kept feeding me coffee and tea so that I would stop complaining of freezing to death.

They did the blood tests and found out that I was extremely malnourished. I was hospitalized for a few days. Dad said he always expected that I had an eating disorder, but he was afraid to ask. The day after I was emitted he sighed me up for treatment at Bryant’s Teen Recovery Center for the summer.

The last thing I want is to go, but I feel like I have to now.

Author's Note

1. Honourable Mention!
Mar 24, 2011
Best 1st Chapter

Reviews

[Ronald Ayers]

Dear Calypso:
There is an adage in the professional writing field that a good writer "Should show, not tell." What I have come to discover what that means is--rather then tell your reader. "I'm writing this journal entry in the back of Dad's car." You might show your reader that:

"The stores along 63rd street whizzed past the window in a blur as my dad's car zoomed down the street toward's Bryant's Teen Recovery Center. I usually liked sitting in the back seat of Dad's car. It always felt safe sitting amid the soft brown leather cushions. Today was different. I was scared. I didn't know what tomorrow might bring. I took my diary from my backpack and sat it down upon my knees. I wanted to write about how I felt about fear of going to the teen center.
My hand is frozen. I can't write a word. Things are awkward now that Dad knows I'm Bulimic."

My point here Calypso is that by developing WORD PICTURES that show what your character is doing, and how your character is feeling, you might be able to create action, drama, and reder identification with your character.

Aside from technique, you have created a sense of mystery. I want to know what is going to happen to Aelge. I want to know how she came to have Buliema, and what impact Aelge's condition will have on her father.

I assume you will answer these questions in the upcoming chapters.

Ohhh. There are several places where you should have brought your spell checker into play.

I have a proposition for you. If you are willing to polish and rewrite the first three chapters of your novel, I would like to serialize it for three consecutive months in my online magazine The Aegis Literary Review: http://aegisliteraryreview.com. Take a look at the magazine. If the idea appeals to you, I'll publish the first three chapters, and pay you a small stipend--$5.00 per chapter.

Write to me at: [email protected] if your interested.

Sincerely,
Ronald Ayers, Editor

[MusicLover]

I love it

[Jack Isaac]

First off, thanks for your review. Then, thanks for the short chapters here. Yet long chapters would have been just as interesting and inviting to read --I am sure. Writing is done so very well; the flow is excellent --but watch out for "The day after I was emitted he sighed me up for treatment" which gets the reader off track.

[crazysox]

I really like it so far. I see no grammar/spelling mistakes, so that's good. :)
I guess the only improvement (or downgrade, it depends) might be to make it more realistic. If you've ever kept a journal, you'll know that a lot of times, you can't write that fast. Especially if the journal is written by hand. Often times, the entries end up being really short. It's only when something HUGE happens that you write something as long as this. And in that case, you'll talk about the huge event, you won't waste time on the buildings and road number and such.
However, I can understand not wanting to do this. It is a story you're telling, not an actual journal, so it makes perfect sense that you won't write in it as a real journalist (or rather, journal-writer) would.
So far, I like the story and am excited to read the next chapter! :)

[Plagued Monumentally]

I was looking through my news feed and I found your username, so I thought I'd stop by and add you, but then I saw this title and it captured my attention right away. I'm definitely glad that I read this, because this is amazing.
(Don't be surprised if you wound up having reviews on basically every chapter of this book XD I'm so excited to keep reading)

[PyroKitty24]

Nice first chapter. Very strong, and I can't wait to keep reading~

[Legacy]

Calypso,

Upon reading Chapter -June 10, my thoughts are racing. I wanted to leave you the best review possible, however, I see others have slipped into my shoes before I had the opportunity. Too bad I didn't get here sooner (a year sooner...).

I landed in this place, because a mutual writer (Silver Moon) just recently added a write and you reviewed it. The review you left Silver Moon was interesting so I decided to see what kind of writing you had.

Another time or two reading this and I will get the word picture... It is true (as Ronald Ayers suggested) word pictures are important... however (journal writings are personal and should stay just as we wrote them, primarily). If you write in your journal and publish it, journal verbatum is important so not to be picked apart when the time comes such as this.

(this was written in journal style - I admire that and believe it is a concept I may very well utilize one day).

I am off to June 11.

See you soon,

Legacy

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

This was a really strong start. Having an eating disorder can really take a toll on your life. I hope that she begins to get better. Thanks for sharing.

[CrystalClear2010]

If its a true story I say
get well soon
your diary entries are obviously
away of making notes of not only your daily events
you could discover the source of your illness

[Daydreamer54]

when I came to my-when i came to,
I think this could b an intresting book, nice start! reading on! ^^

[Kia]

It's pretty sad, the eating disorder, but it's a good chapter. I like it. Sounds like it will come out to be a very grabbing and affecting story. I believe stories like this will reach out to young people with eating disorders. The only critism I would give is grammer mistakes (there's a few places where commas are needed) But the story itself is good. Well, done!