Prologue

 

June 21^st 2006

 

       How did this happen to me? Why did I let it go this far? Why couldn’t I see what it was doing to me? These were the first thoughts in my head every morning when I looked into the mirror and around my little room. I’d been asking myself these questions ever since I was admitted into Palm Harbor Psychiatric ward over 3 months ago. And still I could not answer these questions to myself. I could not say why I had tried to commit suicide, I still want to. I have no motivation to get better.

 

       Time goes by slowly here, even with all the activity. No one pays any attention; they’re too wrapped up in their own minds. I try to smile as I see others dealing with their demons and being victorious but I can’t. I think I have forgotten how to. The truth is no one knows why I’m depressed; all I am to them is a pity case. But I’m not, and I never will be. I’m depressed because of my family, because of how religiously closed-minded they are. I know I’m gay but I can’t bring myself to accept it and it keeps driving me more and more insane. The night before I attempted suicide I had slept with a guy, but it had felt all wrong, like I wasn’t supposed to. The Church says it is a sin in the eyes of God to be gay but how can that be true? I didn’t choose this nor did I want it. Can it be that God meant for me to be gay? Is there even a God, or are we all just blindly following some made up hero so we don’t have to face life? I’m so confused and angry at all of this. Why did it have to happen to me? Maybe someday I’ll know all of this and understand why it happened to me.

Dawn