Where Ever That Be

Lift her up above the ashes     Raise her spirits beyond death
Shine down on her mood shadow    Give desire back to her breath
Elevate her interests    Just high enough to see
 perspective and circumstance can agree to disagree
Lift her up into the atmosphere    The space that holds the happy
Take her where there is will to live     Where ever that be

Reviews

[ChemicalMadness]

KJ,
Let me start with the technical: I wasn't a fan of the format...I found it somewhat distracting and question the overall purpose. Go nuts with spacing, capitalization, punctuation, breaks, etc. but always, always, have good reason for everything you do...that reason should also be (at least somewhat) readily apparent to your audience.

Content: I DO think this piece would work better formatted differently because you DO have some good content to work with. The first line is great. The line works well. I did not care for "the space that holds the happy"...

I think you'd do yourself a tremendous service by rethinking this piece a bit. Why be so nebulous? Give us more of this her and texture to her suffering. Connect us with some real feelings so we, too, as readers can feel. Empathy is your friend, as is depth.

I'd encourage you to keep going here, my friend.
All the best,
CM

[ChemicalMadness]

My second paragraph, 3rd sentence should read "the last line works well".

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I have to agree with Chemical on this one, I wasn't a huge fan of the format of this one. It didn't give me a chance to really fall into a smooth flow. I am a fan of the unorthodox, and I practice it on occasion, but I found this to be a little too out of the box for my taste.

With that said, the writing was actually quite beautiful. You've used some interesting phrasing and your word choice is quite nice. I like the images and the way that you explored a metaphorical universe.

I think that if you took this and put it into a more standard format:

Lift her up above the ashes
Raise her spirits beyond death
Shine down on her mood shadow
Give desire back to her breath

Elevate her interests
Just high enough to see
Perspective and circumstance
Can agree to disagree

Something like that...you would have a very nice piece. Thank you for sharing.

[J. F. Charleston]

Wow! I see why so many people love you! You're amazing! Each line amazed me as I read them. At first I thought there were two coloums, but was actually one. I can see you being the next big poet of today. Your ideas are amazing and filled with wonder. I wonder where you get them. Overall, it was a really awesome write!

[Rita L. Sev]

A bit hard to follow due to the format, but some good concepts to ponder. I appreciate that you took a chance with this style; it just wasn't my cup of tea.

[Veronica Chandler]

I for one enjoyed the delightful way you play with words and with meanings, for it seems to add a depth and dimension which draws me in to each line. I enjoyed the space that holds the happy for it leaves it open to the reader...Between the ears maybe, in the heart perhaps, or in the nebulous spirit. Another of your pieces written in your unique definitely beautiful style which is the true nature of diversity AKA beauty.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Keely, I agree with all CM said but sometimes experimentation is good. I liked all of this piece except the 'space that holds the happy' and the final 'where ever that be' which was an anti climax.

[Weasley]

beautiful