Dry Mouth

As quickly as  your tide came in
your feelings trickled out
A dripping faucet; out of order
No sound from your spout
You'll never rise to the occasion
If you drown in the unspoken; sink yourself in fear
Float with me!
Where mind meets sea; thoughts like water
crystal clear
Beneath the surface of your skin, running in vein
Crimson waves of bloody pain
from not speaking your heart
Bleed feelings; cry tears
Drain yourself
Sprinkles to splashes; sea of silence and ashes
You've dried up your river bed

Reviews

[Pete Langley]

OK Keely, I could leave this piece alone - but that won`t help you.
First, you have to make up your mind what sort of poem you`re gonna write- if it has a rhyme it has to have metre - it has to scan. If it doesn`t scan, every rhyme will appear forced - even if it isn`t. So then, if you decide on a prosaic piece and follow your theme (in this case your theme is a good one) the next taboo is hackneyed phrases and worn out metaphors, so think of new ways (and words) to say the same thing. There`s one very good line that could have been the basis of your poem...."You`ve dried up your river bed" Go to it, lass, You`ll do it! P.

[quinfinn]

now, excuse me for butting in here, but that is how constructive criticism is done properly! no insults, no stabs, just good advice given as a helpful and generous gesture. good on ya , Pete!!!!!

[Pete Langley]

Take no notice!!! I talk a load of crap!!P.

[quinfinn]

yes, perhaps...but politely!

[Pete Langley]

I`m the least polite person I know!

[quinfinn]

somehow, i doubt that.....that was a nice review..

[KeelyJane]

I agree. :) Thank you so much.

[jinxxnij]

Nice! This one was good, as usual.

[Elle Thompson]

This is interesting, the rhythm is consistent. It's a little enigmatic, though. I feel like you've sacrificed content for rhythm, though, which is why I don't generally write poetry. I don't get a clear picture, but I can only assume you did that on purpose.

[MoriartyMesa]

This is not just work, but emotion in the space of young love. You are a above the norm of clever writers and I should buy you a drink in the feeling you placed in this.




But I expect you to at least get the pool game.





Nice and silky smooth.

[Sabbih Hossain]

I like it, the way of expressing the idea. But, one thing I should mention here; the punctuations you used - for me, they do not go hand in hand with the poem ... Keep going ...

[A. H. Pinley]

I like the writing, maybe you can make a reference to the Dead Sea or the salt flats in California Death Valley. I like the imagery I love once filled with flowing blood is now parched and now thirsty for water.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I love the water imagery...very well done. I also enjoy the idea of the piece, it was introspective and well thought out. I like the flow and the feeling of this one. A couple minor things--I try to avoid contractions if possible "you'll" to "you will". Also, the beginning and ending were beautiful, the middle was a little less in your face. Overall, though, beautifully done!

[R.F Gooding]

I like the flow of this poem. It's sometting I would share with future generations. I believe you have the potential to be one of the greatest.

[quinfinn]

i like it. i like the images, the clever metaphor and the thoughtful way you arrange your words. it is poetry, good poetry. i will continue to respect your work.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

My fountain is more like joy and beauty. I'm a happy camper. I've cried enough tears though. I enjoyed the read.