December Loneliness

Silence abounds.
The softly falling snow cushions each sound.
Bitter cold is shrouded in eerie light
As the world sleeps in relative comfort.
Yet I pace back and forth through this oppressive gloom.

You were here, was it really just a day ago?
Your playful eyes and warm smile were here to cheer me,
Reminding me of why my heart yearns for you.
Once again, you pulled me into that place of refuge
Where my sorrow turns to childlike laughter.

In the worst moments of my darkest days,
You draw a smile to my lips, so easily.
No matter what fears invade my waking thoughts,
The sound of your voice suppresses them,
And allows me to go through the motions of life.

The distance between us is drawing ever wider.
I must close my eyes to search for you now,
Inside my thoughts and memories, where are you?
I fix on a point of light, deep inside my mind's eye -
Your face, the light that pervades my ever present darkness.

With trembling fingers I touch the icy cold window pane,
My heart beseeching you like Miss Eyre reaching for her Rochester.
Hoping against hope that, wherever you may be tonight,
Your mind is sensing me and you're thinking of me too,
Feeling the warmth of my love as it searches for you.

I fear for the bitter cold that chills my aching heart.
I worry that no sensual fire may warm me ever again.
No others' lips will whisper lovingly into my ear,
No man will ever turn my head
Nor stimulate my deepest desires.

For you are the one that I burn for,
Yours is the only touch that ignites me within.
Your lips pressed on mine, so tenderly,
Making my heart skip a beat
Your arms are the only safe haven I will ever need.

So, as I sit here in the morning half light,
Watching the snow gently fall to the ground,
I recall your touch, your sound, your scent
And the aching returns to my soul.
A lasting embrace of loneliness and eternal desire.

I wish I could have been what you were looking for.
No matter how hard I try to remould myself for you,
It will never be enough to make you need me
In the way that I need you,
The truth is a thousand rusty needles puncturing my skin.

Pain in itself is not devoid of the intensity of pleasure.
These memories bring a warmth with their violence,
A solitary slide show for my weary eyes only,
Bringing you back to me, in a heartbeat
And the searing agony I feel is truly incandescent.

My body has never felt so aroused before,
Just the merest thought of your touch and my skin responds.
The wetness that resides, not only upon my trembling lips,
Reassures me that my desire for you is real
And time apart cannot force it to dwindle.

The friendship you need from me is given without question.
I am clutching at the final straw of our relationship
Living in a self-imposed limbo of longing
That, one day, you may reconsider,
And my stagnating life may resume once more.

Fear wakens. Screaming at me to keep my mouth shut!
'Do not tell him how you feel!
He will leave you in this unspeakable vacuum of loneliness.
You will never see his exquisite brown eyes again
Nor feel his breath against your skin.'

So I remain cool - disconnected - a friend above all else.
My heart continues to mourn your resounding absence,
With a cacophony of silent criticism
Reminding me of every word I spoke to you and every touch,
Persecuting me with thoughts of self-betrayal.

I smile at friends when they visit me,
I go through the motions of chit chat and passing time.
Refusing to be drawn in conversation about you
And how I feel since you left my side.
This pain is mine, not theirs to steal away from me.

A moment of hesitation forces me to catch my breath.
Is this the way my life is always to be now?
Waiting, standing on the sidelines, hoping to catch your eye,
Wondering if I am real or merely a lengthening shadow
Reaching out to you as you pass me by, oblivious.

So, I resign myself to this 'life', this existence,
Counting the hours until we talk on the phone.
Listening to the softness of your voice, as you speak of your day.
Closing my eyes, imagining you sitting beside me here.
Hoping that one day she may come to deserve you.


Copyright © Victoria Preston, 2009
All Rights Reserved