her.

A Story by Gigi

a cycle that never stops.

She was impatient, she was selfish, she was cold.

Living in another world, where she can't even find herself.. looking in the mirror, being hit by reality, always wondering whether it was her in the mirror or someone else.. caring too much, caring too little, speaking too much, speaking too little.. she was never aware of anything, was called naive always.. perhaps, she believed that, too.

Never wanting to wake up in reality, always wanting to be in her own world.. where she thought everything was alright, no one would leave her, no one would count her insecurities one by one.. earphones in, reality out. Always. But she often dwelt, whether she'll be able to face her problems when the time comes, but always ran away from the thoughts before she got to a conclusion.. thinking everything will be alright.

She often felt she was going mad.. but never knew the answer.

She wondered whether he'll be back or she'll be able to return to her previous life.. but her answer was always confusion.. she hoped he would come back, but there was a part in her that was saying, no. For that she hated herself.

Having said he'll be late but will come soon.. after years, no calls, no nothing. She felt.. betrayed. But also understood why he never came.. she hated them. all of them. For being more important to him than her.. for getting all that she deserved to have. For taking her place in his life.. she was being selfish, she knew. But she always justified herself by saying she's human.. having the right to make mistakes, being selfish. But she also knew that any of it, will not make any difference in his life, anymore.

She always wanted to be left alone, but sometimes she felt.. lonely. And that scared her.. it was a fear of reality, something she could never face.. so she diverted herself by music, books, movies, tv shows.. anything that could help.. and then she would always go back to her own world, that she had inside her head.. it helped her, like some kind of sick fantasy turning to life.

She wanted someone to be there for her, though. She wanted to have the kind of love that was in the movies.. but the wish, hope, was always taken away from her by reality.

Having so many names, so many identities, she often felt that they took a part away from her.. a rare part, that might never come back to her, ever.

It was always the same thing again and again.. going round and round, never stopping.. time always going by, wondering always where she left herself..

..the answer would always be hopelessness.