In My Mind

Poetry piece about severe anxiety.

Breathing. Thinking. Staring. Worrying. It is always the same few steps. I do not know how to tame my mind. My mind has a mind of it’s own. That sounds silly does it not? That is the only way I can explain. In reality I have no control over how I think. I am not depressed I swear! I only seem depressed when I cannot control this intense sense of doom. This sense of doom is overwhelming but that is an understatement. "Just take this medication," the doctor says. "You will feel worse before you are better," he says. He does not understand what the medicine does to me. I stare blankly at walls and want to be non-existent. I do not want to take my own life though. That would be selfish and I am not selfish! I also do not want to feel this doom any longer. What can I do? What do I say? I remove myself from situations that make me feel uncomfortable. I cannot walk into crowded public places by myself. Why does everyone stare at me? Is something wrong with me? Does everyone around me stare because they are plotting to hurt me? Is that guy following me!! My heart is racing! It is going to explode! I am going to die! I quickly run away from every situation that makes my heart race. Sometimes I cannot even provide the proper care to my own daughter. When anxiousness strikes and she starts to cry, I want to cover my ears to drown out all sound. When silence surrounds me that is when my mind wonders. Breathing. Thinking. Staring. Worrying. I can hear my heart racing again. The continuous cycle is driving me to insanity. I am not crazy I try to tell myself. I need to be calm. How do I control my mind? My mind does not want to be controlled. In my mind, I am a prisoner.

Author's Note

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Reviews

[K.Easterbrook]

Great piece I can totally relate. I always feel like my barriers come up and anxiety is on autopilot sometimes and it's really hard to take back the control in your own head. Hope you find it cathartic to express those feelings through your writing.

[KCthelastboyscout]

Hard to escape the prison that you have built for yourself.interesting to read especially since this story relates to others that I know suffering like you are.you are not alone. You will find others in the cafe just like you