Zaccheus Was Never a Mountain

A Story by Paris Hlad

Zacchaeus Was Never a Mountain

Voltaire famously said: “God is a comedian

Playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.”

But if that is so, I do not think that the Almighty is all that funny �" Especially when it comes to subjecting me to the high drama of unsolicited physical change; which is different from spiritual or intellectual change because it rarely turns out for the good. But a few days ago, my daughter asked me if I thought I might be getting shorter. I said that I hardly thought so, but agreed to be measured because I like it when loved ones express even scientific interest in me. And the idea of a man shrinking with age seemed like a good metaphor for how I feel about my life generally �" And strong metaphors about a person’s life are hard to come by when all the good ones have been taken by his enemies. More importantly, what if it were true? What if I was shrinking? But I was confident that I had not shrunk, as I am 70 years old �" Not 90! And from what I can tell, I still tower over a multitude of people who are persuaded to embrace dotage as a doable, if not a satisfying lifestyle.

Yet I have indeed shrunk by a little more than an inch �" And that has caused me to consider purchasing a firearm to protect myself because I am no longer an imposing seventy-two-inch mountain of a man, but less than a seventy-one-inch Zacchaeus[1] who is, of course, more likely to provoke the attention of predatory individuals. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see nothing that suggests that I was ever a mountain, or anyone other than Zacchaeus. I suspect that young people conclude the same about me, and that is an outrage �" and even a tragedy because I like talking with young people and have many interesting things to say to them. But there is a standard one must measure up to if one is to project a believable air of sage wisdom, and I believe I have fallen below that line.

[1]In the original version of this piece, Paris referred to himself as a hobbit but later determined that the Biblical character, Zacchaeus, would be a better fit because he never thought of himself as being “cute” in the same way he thought a hobbit was “cute.” This is to say, the poet believed that those who are “cute” are more apt to be welcomed by others in social intercourse than those who are not “cute.” To Paris, Zacchaeus represents the kind of person who simply wants to be a part of the social loop and will even climb trees to know what is going on in the world.